Category: Coffee Break

Do you suffer from anxiety? Do you often feel overwhelmed by the complexity of life? Well, today I want to talk about anxiety and how Stoicism can help us understand and deal with it, helping us to live a more relaxed and enjoyable life.

Today I escaped anxiety, or no, I discarded it because it was within me and my own perceptions, not outside.

—Marcus Aurelius.

So last week I took a trip to Portland to visit my family and friends and to pick up some more of my stuff that I wasn't able to bring over with me when I moved to Amsterdam. Now, when I fly, I get anxious. I have a tough time whenever we hit turbulence, I worry about making my flights, which happened twice on this trip, and I'm usually exhausted, which compounds the difficulty of dealing with this anxiety.

So first, let's define anxiety. Anxiety is defined as “a state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning.”

So basically anxiety is created by our own perception that we have about situations and the possible outcomes that we imagine about them. So let's jump into some Stoic principles and concepts that can help us deal with our anxiety.

Dichotomy of Control

The first is the Stoic idea of the dichotomy of control, which emphasizes focusing on what is within our control and accepting what is not. This principle is essential to managing anxiety because it encourages us to let go of worries about external events that we can't influence. As Epictetus clarifies, “Some things are up to us and some things are not. Our opinions are up to us and our impulses, desires, aversions, in short, whatever is our own doing. Our bodies are not up to us, nor are our possessions, our reputations, or our public offices, or that which is not our own doing.”

Cognitive Distortions

So Stoicism encourages identifying, correcting irrational beliefs and cognitive distortions that contribute to anxiety. By questioning our assumptions and beliefs, we can align our thinking with reality. Seneca advises examining our fears to see if they are rooted in imagination rather than reality. He says, “We are often more frightened than hurt, and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.”

Emotion as a Natural Human Experience

Now, contrary to the misconception that Stoicism advocates for suppressing emotions, it actually promotes understanding and managing emotions rather than being ruled by them. Emotions can also be seen as a flag. If we feel anxious about something, it might be something that deserves our attention. The important thing is that we work on understanding why we feel the way we do. And work on managing our emotions rather than letting them control us. As Seneca reminds us, “Man is as unhappy as he convinced himself he is,” suggesting that emotions can be shaped by our interpretations.

Perspective

And this leads us to perspective. As Epictetus said, It is not events that disturb people, it is their judgment concerning them. The Stoics understood that much of what disturbs us is simply our perspective on the events and circumstances of our lives. They teach us that things external to us are neither good nor bad, but indifference, meaning that it's our judgment about them that make them good or bad in our minds. If we're able to look at things with more rationality and objectively, then we can use anything to our advantage just by changing our perspective.

For example, we might think that having wealth or fame is a good thing, but how many wealthy and famous people are just as unhappy as everyone else? How many famous people, who appear to have everything one could want, committed suicide? By keeping a clear perspective on things and understanding that it's our judgments about things that cause us to feel anxiety, we can start to change the perceptions that we have about the things in our lives.

Mindfulness and Present Moment Awareness

Seneca said, “But life is very short and anxious for those who forget the past, neglect the present, and fear the future.” Now, although mindfulness and being present in the moment is not an explicitly Stoic term, mindfulness aligns with the Stoic focus on being in the present moment. Being present helps us to avoid ruminating about the past or worrying about the future.

Seneca explains this a little bit deeper and says, “True happiness is to enjoy the present without anxious dependence on the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears, but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient for he that is so wants nothing.”

Acceptance of Fate

The next thing I want to talk about is the acceptance of fate. As Epictetus says, “Don't demand or expect that events happen as you would wish them to, accept events as they actually happen. That way peace is possible.” So the Stoic concept of Amor Fati, meaning to love one's fate, is rather than liking the good things that happen to us and hating the negative things, We learn to love everything that happens to us.

And really the reason that we should do this is that these are, these things are going to happen anyway. So it's really just an acceptance of reality and this radical acceptance of life is how you are better able to take control of your, uh, your life rather than just being at the whim of fate and fortune.

As Seneca puts it, “Never have I put my trust in fortune, even when she appeared to be offering peace. All those gifts she bestowed on me in her kindness, position, influence, I stored them where she would be able to reclaim them with no disturbance to me.”

Acceptance of Imperfection and Failure

So the Stoics advocate for the acceptance of human imperfection and the unpredictability of life. When you take time to think about it, you start to realize that failure is just missed expectations. We had an idea of how things should work out, and when they don't, we get upset. This is something in your power that you can change.

Seneca wrote, “Hecato says, Cease to hope and you will cease to fear. The primary cause of both of these ills is that instead of adapting ourselves to present circumstances, we send out thoughts too far ahead.” In this case, hope means that we have expectations of how we think things should be, and that by lowering our expectations, We focus on how things really are rather than what we think they should be.

Rationality as a Path to Emotional Freedom

Next I want to talk about rationality as a path to emotional freedom. In Stoicism there's this idea of impressions and assent, meaning that something comes into our senses, we see something, we hear something, we smell something, and then we take a moment, and we pause, and we decide what this judgment means, or what this thing means.

What is this impression that is coming towards us, or that we've sensed in some way. And then we assent to it, meaning we agree that this is what we actually saw. And Stoicism suggests that rationality and logic can liberate us from emotional turmoil. Because when we feel these feelings, and we take that rationality and logic, then we can see situations more clearly and without bias.

However, this does not mean ignoring emotions, but understanding them through a more rational lens. Now, this may seem counterintuitive because many view rationality and emotions as opposites. Stoicism, on the other hand, integrates them, encouraging rational analysis to guide emotional responses. Next, we should embrace negative visualization.

Embracing Negative Visualization

Seneca explains, “Everyone faces up more bravely to a thing for which he has long prepared himself, sufferings even being withstood if they have been trained for in advance. Those who are unprepared, on the other hand, are panic stricken at the most insignificant happenings.” So the Stoics practice premeditatio malorum, which means the premeditation of evils, contemplating the worst case scenarios to prepare emotionally and reduce fear of the unknown.

Now this doesn't mean that you stress out about the future, but rather you take the time and a safe place to think about what could go wrong so that when it does happen, you You've already experienced what it would feel like to be in that situation.

For example, when I fly, I get anxious when we hit turbulence. It's a very visceral response. So before I fly, I have to walk myself through what I would do if the plane would go down. I think about how I would feel and what I would do in an emergency. I also remind myself that there are two pilots and a computer system whose sole job is to fly and land the plane as safely as possible.

Anxiety of Death and Memento Mori

Another big source of anxiety is the anxiety of death. As Epictetus explains, because we're the only animals who not only die, but are conscious of it, even while it happens, we are beset by anxiety. Now, the idea of no longer existing is something that is terrifying for most of us. But the Stoics teach that we need to get comfortable with the fact that we're going to die.

Memento mori, meaning remember death, is the practice of contemplating and getting comfortable with the idea that we're going to die. And the reason the Stokes have this practice is not because they were morbid, but so that we embrace the life that we have and live it to the fullest. It's also a way to think about how in time, anything that happened will be forgotten. Do you think people in 100 or 500 years will remember the stupid thing you said on the internet? Or that cringy picture that your friend or enemy posted of you? Probably not. So Epictetus often had dialogues when he was teaching. And he had a clever wit as well. And in one of these, I really like this, he says, “You think I can listen to poetry in my position? Why? What is it? I'm sentenced to death. And the rest of us aren't?”

Practical Steps

So what are some practical steps that you can take in your everyday life to help reduce anxiety?

The Stoics hold that living according to virtue was the sole good. And that in any and all situations we need to act with wisdom, courage, justice, meaning how we treat other people. And temperance, meaning self-discipline. If you act with integrity in all situations, then you never have to look back and shame and worry if you did the right thing, you can rest with a good conscience knowing that you acted in a way, in a way that you were proud of. Marcus Aurelius explains it simply: “If it is not right, do not do it. If it is not true, do not say it. For let impulse being your own power.”

Next thing we can do is you work on controlling what you can and let go of the rest by focusing on what's in your power. You can take action and make progress rather than worrying about all the things that you can't control. This takes you out of the place of being a victim of circumstance that and puts you back in a position of controlling what you can.

Next, accept failure as a way to learn. Life is all about trying and failing, and learning from the times when we don't get things right. If you don't learn something from the times when you fell short, then it's a lesson that you've wasted. Next, treat yourself kindly and don't dwell on past mistakes. Learn from them for sure, but ruminating on them is a choice that you are making to punish yourself over something that you have no control over, and is ruining your presence. As Seneca reminds us, “What is the point of dragging up sufferings that are over, of being miserable now, because you were miserable then?”

Next, relax about the future. The future is unknowable. So, worrying about things that may or may not happen, and getting yourself worked up, is to borrow misery about things that may never happen. As Seneca says, “What I advise you to do, is not be unhappy before the crisis comes. Some things torment us more than they ought, some torment us before they ought, and some torment us when they ought not to torment us at all. We are in the habit of exaggerating or imagining or anticipating sorrow.”

Lastly, take some time to practice mindfulness. Getting to know your mind so that you can be aware of the thoughts that are causing you anxiety can help you to be better about seeing a situation as objectively as possible and work on changing your thinking.

In my case, when I'm feeling anxious about something, I try to view the situation as objectively as possible and notice the thoughts that I'm having and what emotions those thoughts are creating. This gives me a little distance from them and allows me to deal with them more rationally and to even change my thinking around the situation.

In conclusion, anxiety is a natural part of life, and it's easy to feel overwhelmed by our complex world. But the Stoics understood a long time ago that most of the anxiety that we feel is due to our way of thinking about the things that happen. By taking steps to understand our own minds, Controlling what we can and letting go of the rest, we can find ways to relax and even enjoy the ride.

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Are you a pessimist? Do you see the glass as half empty? Do you often get depressed when you think about the state of the world? Today I want to talk about how stoicism can help make you an optimist.

Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.

— Marcus Aurelius

Have you ever noticed how most of the movies about the future of mankind are usually post-apocalyptic? Meaning that they are generally about the end of the world, or at least the world as we know it. It’s easy to think about how things can go wrong. It’s easy to think about the things that can go wrong because there are more things that can go wrong than can go right. Being a pessimist is easy.

On the other hand, finding the way that things can go right takes perseverance and dedication. It takes a willingness to believe that things can go right. It takes effort. Working in software and working on complex interdependent systems, one of the things that most developers would agree on is the fact that getting things to work properly is hard. Breaking things is easy. Things not working is far easier than getting things to work the way that we want them to.

So the reason I brought this up is that often when we think about the future, we tend to take a dark view of where things are heading, and I think that it’s easy to develop a pessimistic view of where humanity is heading. I know that I have a tendency to do this, and I want to change my perspective because I think that it would serve me better for my daily happiness, and help me to make choices and take actions that could be more beneficial in the areas where I do have influence.

A few weeks ago I was listening to a podcast with Kevin Kelly. Now Kevin Kelly, among many other things, is the founder of Wired magazine, and has lived quite an interesting life. Rather than going off to college after high school, he wandered around Asia for 10 years. He’s written a sprawling sci-fi graphic novel, a book about vanishing cultures in China, and started the Long Now Society which is focused on developing long term policy for survival of the human race. Most recently he released a book that was all about the lessons he wished he’d known when he was younger.

But even with all this impressive stuff on his resume, there was something he said that really stuck with me. He talked about the fact that even with all the doom and gloom and challenges that are facing in the world, that he’s still very optimistic about the future. He said he wasn’t naive or blind to the challenges we face, but that he deliberately chooses to be an optimist. He said that it helps to make his every day life better, and that we as a society need people in this world that keep driving us forward with a better vision of the world.

He said that a big part of why he is an optimist is that we have as a species created lots of improbable things. The fact that we have created so many complex things that actually work is due to optimism. Complex things are improbable, meaning that complex things are more likely not to work, and the fact that we make them work and work well is pretty incredible. It says a lot for us as a species. It means that we can work together to create some pretty amazing stuff that makes life better for a large numbers of people.

He went on to make the argument that life is always going to have challenges and that there is simply no way to have a perfect world. Utopia is something that never will be possible. He framed his idea as “protopioa” which he defines as a culture where we recognize that life is full of challenges and that often there are trade offs for the solutions that we come up with. Often time those solutions create even more challenges, but even so, they are still worth it because the open up more options.

So why do I bring up all these things and how does stoicism fit in to all of this?

For me, this is a clear example of how choosing your perspective on life can make all the difference in the world. Because he specifically decides to view life through an optimistic lens, Kevin is able to see things in a way that supports his world view. He looks at the world around him, and find evidence that there are reasons to be optimistic, in spite of the challenges ahead.

It gave me pause. I started to think about if I would classify myself as an optimist or a pessimist. I realized that I’m clearly on the pessimistic side of the line, and that’s something that I would like to change. I know that much of it for me comes from my past and far too often I assume the worst will happen as a safety mechanism. If the worst happens, then I’m prepared for it.

So I started thinking about how I could work on changing that because I’d rather be hopeful about life and about humanity. Seeing the down side to everything leads you to that direction and you start seeing everything through that lens. I think it’s too easy to get lost in the dark.

So how does one develop a more optimistic outlook on life using stoic principles?

I think a lot of it comes with being able to reframe how you view the world. I think it also comes down to being aware of your thoughts, and making active choices to change how you want to view the world. It means that you choose to be an optimist, and for me there are a few principles that can help us be more optimistic.

Control

Stoicism focuses a lot on what we have control over, which allows us to actually have an impact on our lives. When we find ourselves in a challenging situation, when we can clearly delineate what is within our control and what is not, we can focus on what is within our power. This gives us control over some aspects of our life.

Epictetus makes it pretty clear that the only things that we really have control over are our thoughts, choices, and actions. In short, our will. We can choose what thoughts we think. We can make choices that are more beneficial for us and those around us. We may not be able to control the circumstances that we find ourselves in, but we can take actions that will help us in the long run.

For example, let’s say that you had some health issues and your doctor prescribed a diet that would help take care of those issue. In this case, you don’t have the power to just tell your body to heal itself. What you do have power over is how strictly you adhere to the diet that your doctor prescribed.

Responsibility

Related to control, we can take responsibility for our lives. When we own up to our choices and actions, we have the ability to shape our future. We refuse to blame others for the outcomes of our choices. The more responsibility we take, the more power we have in our lives. We make it so that we aren’t helpless.

When things happen that are out of our control, we step up and take responsibility for doing what we can to improve things. We don’t focus on who is to blame, but rather, we recognize that it is our responsibility to make things better. We could sit around hoping or even demanding that someone else fix things for us, but we’re much more likely to get what we want if we take responsibility for our own happiness.

When we stop up and take responsibility for ourselves and practice self control, the better we are able to handle future situations that might be even more challenging. Every time we step up, take responsibility and stretch ourselves to handle things outside of our comfort zone, the better we are able to handle harder and harder situations. But until we are able to step up and take responsibility, we will continually blame things outside of ourselves for why we’re unhappy and things aren’t going our way.

Change

The only constant in life is change. Embrace it, adapt to it, and let it transform you for the better.

— Epictetus

The stoics recognize that life is constantly changing and that we need to embrace change. The harder we resist changes in our life, that harder we make things for ourselves. When we see change and challenges as opportunities, we are able to embrace change with a sense of optimism that we’ll come out better on the other side.

Another aspect to consider and one that came to mind as I was listening to the podcast is to look at the challenges ahead as something that will give us ample opportunity to grow, then we will have to rise to the occasion to meet them. We will have to push ourselves, to expand our thinking of what’s possible, and find ways to work together in ways that we had never considered before. If we’re never challenged then we never really find out how good we can get. If we simply do the same easy things, then we never grow. We want those greater and greater challenges so that we can grow to be even better.

Gratitude

He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have.

— Socrates

The stoics teach us to be grateful and content with the things that we have. When we can be content with what have, then we don’t have to be continually striving for more in order to be happy. Now this may seem like a paradox, and it is. We need to be content with what we have, but always be looking to grow and move forward. We find in joy with appreciating what we have, and yet look forward to what’s ahead.

I think this is a profound lesson. If we can’t be happy and content with what we currently have, then when we get what we think we want, we still won’t be content and happy. By learning to want what we already have, we can be happy about things that already there. It’s an easy want to increase your happiness just by shifting your perspective, and is something that you can do at any moment.

Gratitude also helps us keep an open mind about things. I find that when I’m in a negative headspace that it is much harder to see that there are a lot more options to solving the problems that I’m dealing with. Gratitude and positivity is a choice, and it’s one that helps us widen our field of view rather than diminishing it.

Conclusion

So, are there areas in your life where you are take a dark view of things? Are there situations where you can reframe how you view things so that you see the good in even the darkest of situations? As with most aspects of stoicism, I think it’s important that we find a balance of being realistic, but also choosing how we want to view things. I don’t think we need to be naive about things and not see things as they are, but rather we can see things as they are and still choose to look at things through a more optimistic lens, and do our best to make a better future.

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

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Do you always act the way you want to? Do you struggle to accomplish what you set out to do? Do you find it challenging to make choices that are in line with what you think you want? Today I want to talk about learning to understand why often make choices and do things that don’t line up with that we think we really want.

"No man is free who is not a master of himself."

— Epictetus

A few months ago, I read a book called Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliot, which is a great book about embracing and accepting your shadow self. I’ve talked about it on the podcast before, and one of the most interesting ideas that I got from that book is this idea:

“Having is evidence of wanting.”

— Carolyn Elliot

What this means is that we need to recognize that even though we might say that we want some other kind of result in our lives, we usually get what we actually want. Usually, these actual desires are things that we are unaware of. Simply put, we have lots of unconscious desires and goals that drive our lives.

Stuck

We may end up dating the same kind of person, even though we failed in relationships with this type of person in the past. We might want to eat healthier or drink less alcohol, but we end up eating same bad things or drinking more than we had planned. We skip the gym even though the effort to get there wouldn’t be that difficult. We have the same arguments with our partners, even though we say we don’t like to argue.

What I’m getting at, is that what if we are making choices to get the exact thing that really want, but we are just unconscious of what we really want?

“Until we make the unconscious conscious, it will rule our lives and we will call it fate.”

— Carl Jung

A common example of this is for people that grow up in a chaotic and unstable home. They might have hated it and have a desire for a more stable home life once they’re out on their own. They want a partner that is calm, secure, and stable, but find themselves dating people that are more chaotic, similar to what they grew up with. They might find their behavior very confusing because it’s not what think they want.

So why would someone continue to add chaos back into their life, when what they’re craving is stability?

For many people in this situation, they find a stable home life to be very challenging because it’s not what they’re used to. They don’t understand the rules of the game. Dating someone that is more like what they’re used to allows them to feel comfortable because it’s familiar. They are used to the excitement of a chaotic home. If they’re used to the adrenaline rush of uncertainty, then a stable home life can feel exceptionally boring. Throwing their world back into chaos might be the only way for them to feel what they consider “normal”.

The unconscious goal in this case is familiarity, which is more important than stability.

Another example of where our conscious goals and unconscious goals diverge is when we get angry at someone. Usually when we get angry, it feels like it’s just an instantaneous or automatic reaction, and like something we don’t have control over.

Later, after we cool down, we’re disappointed with ourselves because of our behavior. We may say that we didn’t mean to get angry. But I think that this is a kind of dishonest mental revisionism of what actually happened. We did mean to get angry, otherwise we would not have.

Think about it this way…

We all have people that we would never display this kind of anger towards. We are able to control it. Whether that is because we respect them enough or because we would suffer some other kind of consequence like losing a job or there’s a fear of violence from them, we can choose to hold back our anger.

So why would we hold back in one instance and lash out in another?

It’s because in each of these cases, the goals are different. When we lash out, our goal is to try and control the other person. When we keep our anger in check, it is to avoid consequences of a confrontation. We are just unaware of or dishonest about our real goals. Until we are aware what our real goal is we will keep repeating the same behaviors and creating the same results.

So how do we get to know what these unconscious goals are? How do we figure out what we really want?

Work Backwards

"The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself."

— Plato

In episode 231, I discussed a model of thinking, and basically, we can use it to break it down what’s really going on in any situation. I’ll quickly summarize the model here but I recommend going back to that episode for a more in depth discussion. Basically, there are circumstances, which are the factual elements, and usually things that we can we can’t control. Then we have our thoughts about those circumstances. Those thoughts create our emotions. Those emotions drive what actions we choose, and our actions create the results we get.

Now, one of the best ways to understanding our unconscious goals, or why we really do what we do, is to work backwards, without judgment. We need to look at the results we are getting, and the actions and choices we make which cause those results. Then we have to understand what we were feeling and thinking at the time we made those choices. This is probably the hardest part because we often have trouble recalling what we were feeling or thinking in the heat of the moment. This is why it is important to be open to the possibility that we were not thinking at our best, and that we were letting emotional feedback distort our perspective.

Because our ego tries to protect itself, we will often convince ourselves that we were thinking or feeling something different than we were. We don’t want to own up to what we really thought or felt because we don’t like to think of ourselves as that kind of person. We will rationalize or ignore what was really going on in our mind.

This is why examining things without judgments is so important. When we do this kind of exploration, we’re not worried about placing blame. We need to think of it like we’re on a fact finding mission.

Like I talked about in the example above, someone who grew up in a chaotic home may feel confused or ashamed that they keep dating people who cause lots of drama. But until they are open to accepting that they may in some way like the drama because it’s exciting and it’s familiar, it’s going to be hard for them to change.

When we walk backwards from the results, to the actions, to our emotions, then to our thinking, we’re open to getting to root of things.

Get Quiet

“Know thyself.”

— Socrates

One of the best ways to practice this kind of exercise is meditation. I know that I talk about it a lot on here, but I find that it’s an indispensable tool in getting to understand your own mind. Just like any other skill, mastering our mind takes practice. Meditation can be difficult because our minds are in a constant state of stimulation.

For some, meditation is too boring, and to sit still for any length of time is challenging. But when you practice this skill, then you learn how to be aware of your mind and its thinking. Once you get to know your mind, then you are able to quiet your mind so you can focus on things that you want to. You can direct it in a way that is more helpful.

When you take that time to be quiet and just observe your thinking, often time you have inspiration that just pops out of nowhere. You’ll have insights and solutions to problems. You’ll have creative ideas that you were just moving too fast to see. When you get quiet, your mind has a chance to show you things it’s been working on in the background.

Write It Down

"The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts."

— Marcus Aurelius

Another exercise that is extremely helpful in our unconscious exploration is journaling. Sitting down and trying to get the contents of your thinking on paper is another way to help uncover things. I know for me that sometimes I really need to just brain dump the thoughts in my mind in order to give me some distance from them. It’s kind of like having a picture that is simply too close to be able to see it clearly. By getting things out, I’m better able to see what it is that really going on. I can often see connections that I wasn’t able to before.

When you get things out on a page, it also frees up your mind to not have to hold on to things as much. You know that you have it in a durable form, so you don’t need to worry about remembering those ideas. You’re able to refer back to it at a later time and hopefully find more inspiration and make connections when you’re in a good headspace.

Back to Back

I find that doing meditation and journaling back to back is very helpful. There are times when I meditate first to give my mind the space to just let things be, then afterwards take the time to capture those thoughts and ideas in my journal.

Sometimes I find that journaling before meditation is useful because it helps guide my mind towards pondering some issues that I’m worried about, and my mind is able to make interesting connections in a relaxed state.

Conclusion

Our minds are a pretty amazing set of processes, thoughts, ideas, emotions, and unconscious desires. Getting to know ourselves and our deep and often hidden motivations can be exceptionally challenging.

For me, stoicism has been crucial for being able to understand and accept the parts of me that I may not want to see, but are there nonetheless. With a focus on a nonjudgmental way of viewing the world and yourself, you have tools to explore who you really are, and work on accepting every part of you. It is with this self-awareness and self-acceptance, that you are able to find more personal peace, and are better able to make changes you want in your life.

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. 🙂

Find me on instagram or twitter.

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow.

Thanks again for listening.

Choose not to be harmed — and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed — and you haven’t been.

—Marcus Aurelius

How often have you been offended by someone? Maybe it was something someone said to you? Maybe they made a comment about your clothes or mocked something that you really liked such as your favorite football team or musician. Maybe it’s one of your siblings who always tries to put you down or get under your skin. Maybe someone on the internet posted a mean comment to a picture you put on social media.

As much as the internet has been one of the greatest tools for learning, commerce, connection, and so many innovations, it still amazes me how awful people can be to each other just because someone holds a different opinion. I have seen people treat others in some pretty horrendous ways just because they had a sign or a t-shirt that was from an opposing political party. It’s as if they forget that there is another human being on the other side of that comment.

What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the way in which we think about them. It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance.

― Epictetus

In all cases, when we are offended by something, it’s because of the thoughts we have about it and what we make it mean. When we really think about it, when someone says something, it is just them making sounds or writing down symbols on a page. If we didn’t speak the same language and had no idea what they said or wrote, would we still be offended? No, because it is not the words that are offensive, but our thoughts about what was said.

When we take offense at what someone else says, we are blaming them for how we feel, rather than owning the fact that it’s our own thoughts that are creating our emotions. We are letting them control us. The words that others say or write are not things that can physically harm you, but often we see people get so upset by what others say that they will resort to violence. The story that they have told themselves is such that they believe it is worth trying to harm someone else because of those words.

Sometimes people are rude because they are unhappy. They will try to put others down as a way to try and bring themselves up. Others might try to offend us because they are deliberately trying to upset us. It’s a way of trying to controlling other people. When we’re upset, we’re easier to manipulate. We make rash decisions, and become more reactive and less rational in our responses. The more we allow others to provoke us, the more they have control over us. If we can keep this in mind it makes is much easier for us to be less reactive. We know what others are trying to do and in a way can beat them at their own game.

If evil be spoken of you and it be true, correct yourself, if it’s a lie, laugh at it.

—Epictetus

Another thing that can help is to actually listen to what the other person said, and ask yourself, "Is it true?" If it is, why be offended by it if it's true? It simply shows you where you might need some work. If it is not true, then why be offended by it? It is simply someone else's opinion.

Often we get upset about what someone has said because they may hit on some insecurity. We think, "If they see this flaw in us, then maybe there is something to it." We may not want to face up to this part of us. Maybe we’re ashamed about that part of us. Whether deliberately or not, when we feel hurt by things that others say about us is usually because deep down we're afraid they might be right.

Another way to think of it is from one of my favorite scenes in Game of Thrones where Tyrion Lannister is talking to Jon Snow:

Let me give you some advice bastard. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.

— Tyrion Lannister

Never be upset at the truth about yourself. You don't have to like it, but you can accept it. Once you have accepted it, then you have the opportunity to change it.

If we are comfortable in our own skin it is really hard for others to offend us. If someone tells George Clooney that they think he's ugly or stupid or that he can't act, do you think that changes what he thinks of himself? I can't say for certain, but I would say with a high degree of accuracy that it probably doesn't. He seems secure in his opinion of himself, so anything someone else has to say has no impact. Even if criticism of his acting comes from someone who is an expert acting coach pointing out where he could improve, it doesn't impact what he thinks of himself.

Not reacting to deliberate provocation is a superpower. If you have the awareness and self-control to not react predictably, there is nothing that can put you off your path. Remember: the only enemy you need to fear is your own self – your lack of awareness and loss of control.

—The Ancient Sage

What, for instance, does it mean to be insulted? Stand by a rock and insult it, and what have you accomplished? If someone responds to insult like a rock, what has the abuser gained with his invective?

—Epictetus

So how can we handle feeling insulted by other people? I think the most important thing to remember is that you offended because of what you make something mean. It’s the thoughts in your head that cause you to feel offended and not what the other person said. Someone can only offend you if you let them. When we take responsibility for our emotions, then we remain on control of ourselves.

Another way is to learn how to be dispassionate about someone else’s opinion about something. And what I mean by that is just simply recognizing that it is just their opinion. It doesn’t mean that you have to do anything about it. You don’t have to change their mind, nor do you have to change yours. It is simply that they have a different thought about something than you do. That is all. Not everyone in the world needs to think the same way as you. It’s also been shown that you’re more likely to change someones opinion if you treat them with kindness rather than trying to convince them the error of their ways.

Being offended and getting upset at others seems to be a part of daily life, especially if you spend much time online, which if you’re listening to this podcast, there’s a good chance that you do. If you find yourself getting angry or upset with others that have a differing opinion that you, just remember, it’s your thoughts that are causing these emotions. By simply choosing not to be offended you have robbed the other person of their victory, and brought a little more equanimity back into your life.

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

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Find me on instagram or twitter.

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

How much of our lives do we spend living in way to please other people? How much unhappiness do we feel in our lives because we’re not being ourselves? Today I want to talk about why it can be really hard to live authentically.

And this, too, affords no small occasion for anxieties – if you are bent on assuming a pose and never reveal yourself to anyone frankly, in the fashion of many who live a false life that is all made up for show; for it is torturous to be constantly watching oneself and be fearful of being caught out of our usual role. And we are never free from concern if we think that every time anyone looks at us he is always taking our measure; for many things happen that strip off our pretense against our will, and, though all this attention to self is successful, yet the life of those who live under a mask cannot be happy and without anxiety. But how much pleasure there is in simplicity that is pure, in itself unadorned, and veils no part of its character! Yet even such a life as this does run some risk of scorn, if everything lies open to everybody; for there are those who disdain whatever has become too familiar. But neither does virtue run any risk of being despised when she is brought close to the eyes, and it is better to be scorned by reason of simplicity than tortured by perpetual pretense.

― Seneca

Growing up, I was constantly adjusting and perfecting the persona that I showed to other people. Because I was expected to be a good little mormon boy – we used the term Peter Priesthood – I was constantly making sure that I never really revealed my true thoughts and feelings about a lot of things, depending on the company I was in. I learned how to espouse the “correct” views so that I was able to fit in to the culture I was in. It was only when I spent time with my theater friends outside of church or school that I felt like I was able to be more of my true self.

The biggest problem with this was that I always felt like a fraud. I disagreed with the church on a lot of issues, but because I had been raised to believe that church doctrine was the word of god and it’s leaders were infallible, I felt like there was something wrong with me rather than the teachings. The church’s views on topics ranging from sexuality to science to the treatment of women were thing that just never fit with my own opinions and ideas. Because I was so immersed in the culture, I got pretty good at saying all the right things at the right time.

This was also an issue at home where often I had to hide my true feelings and ideas in order to keep the peace with my father. Learning to navigate his explosive moods to stay safe from his wrath also felt like a tamping down of my own self. It’s taken many years, decades even, to learn how to stand up for my own opinions. Often times I wasn’t even sure what I felt or thought about things or what I really wanted as a person because I had spent so many decades hiding my wants and needs in order to fit in with others and remain a member of the church.

Over time, what this did to me, and what it does to others, is it gives you the message that who you are as a person is not acceptable. Because we all want to fit in, we bury that true self because that self is not okay. We end up miserable because deep down we know that we’re faking it to get along. We’re lying to ourselves and to everyone around us, and that takes a toll on our mental health. We often feel resentful of those around us because we feel like they are the reason that we can’t relax and just be ourselves, when in reality, it’s prison of our own making.

The life of those who live under a mask cannot be happy and without anxiety.

— Seneca

We spend much of our time doing things or acting in a way to fit in with those around you, and this feels disingenuous and fake and not who we really want to be. This is what happens when we are well socialized. We all are trained by our culture of how to fit in and what things are acceptable and what things gain you approval of others. Breaking this kind of thinking and behavior is really hard for most people because from birth we are trained to seek approval. And for most of us, this pretense we’re taught to keep up feels fake, but we’re not sure how to be otherwise.

Recognizing this feeling is where the work starts. Once you start to look around and see what is really going, you have choices. Do you just go with the flow or are you honest with yourself and others about who you really are and what you really want? Do you tell people no when you don’t want to do something? Do you go along with the crowd so as not to offend others? Do you step up and be that person that you want to be regardless of who others want you to be?

These are not easy choices. It feels like so much at stake for stepping up and owning your life. But there is even more at stake if you don’t, mainly, living a life that you won’t regret when it comes to a close.

So how to we break out of this pattern? How do we take off this mask?

It think the first step is to accept yourself for exactly who you are. This is not an easy thing. When you’ve been brought up with all the subtle messages that the person you are is not acceptable, it’s really hard to believe that you are okay. But I will tell you something, you are okay. Do you know how I know that? Because you are here in the planet to be exactly who you are. No one else is just like you, so your job is to be the best you that you can be. Accept all the messy, weird, and quirky bits of you, just like you do with your friends.

Second, spend time with people that accept and encourage you to be yourself. If people don’t like you for being yourself, then they are not your people and that’s okay. Why try to fit in with others that don’t like you? Be around those that you can be honest with. That you can tell your truth to without being shamed or belittled.

Another step that I have found comes from one of my favorite authors, Neil Gaiman. In a commencement speech at the University of Philadelphia, he said, the most important thing we can do in life is to “Make good art.” Why art? Art has always been a way for people to explore facets about themselves. Writing, drawing, sculpting, singing, writing music, whatever it is that you can do, just do it. You can find what makes you unique. And don’t worry if it’s good or not. It’s not about impressing anyone else, it’s just about exploring and making things that are all about you.

What it really comes down to is learning to listen to yourself, knowing what you want, and making choices that suit you best rather than make others happy. You may lose friends and even family if you take that path, but you might just find yourself.

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. Stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.

Want to help support this podcast? Become a patron on patreon!

Like the theme song? You can find it here from my alter ego. 🙂

Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

Today's episode is about stoics and emotions.

So earlier this week on reddit, in the stoicism subreddit, somebody posted a link to an article in Psychology Today called stoicism as a fad of philosophy. I decided to take the time to read the article and surprisingly I found that my podcast was mentioned in the second paragraph and called my podcast noncommittal, which I take as not an insult, but as very true about what I try to do with this podcast. I do my best to take stoicism and give it to my listeners in such a way that they can apply it in their daily lives. I don't think that you need to commit yourself to being a hardcore stoic one way or the other, but that you can find things within this philosophy that help you to live a better life.

Now the article was okay. There are definitely some problems that I had with the article, although I did appreciate the shout out I guess. The first part she spends a lot of time, I'm sorry, she is Mariska Olivia, I'm sorry if I didn't pronounce that correctly doing the best I can. She is an associate professor of philosophy at the University of Colorado and Denver and the issues that I had with this article was simply that, you know, first off she talks about it as a fad and the reason why this has become so popular right now, is simply because Ryan Holiday is a great marketer and while yes, a lot of people have heard of stoicism because of Ryan Holiday, I think that she's missing a giant point there of why stoicism has really picked up.

For me, I look at stoicism as something that is really filling a number of things that a lot of people need. So for people like me, I just turned 50 this year, if you can believe that! I would be considered part of the Gen-X generation. I grew up as you all know, I grew up mormon and found their religion was something that did not work for me. It was something that actually made my life much more miserable. But there were aspects of religion that were very helpful for me, but they really didn't, unfortunately in my case, outweigh the negatives of being in religion.

I can see that religion as a whole has been very detrimental to a lot of people and it's something that's been very abused and so I think right now there is a lot of need for people to have a kind of moral framework, if you will, to view life through, that doesn't have all of the abuses that go along with it, that we find in traditional religions today. And so for me, I look at stoicism is definitely fulfilling a lot of these needs. And part of the reason why is because it is something that it contains a lot of what I call universal principles, meaning there are things that seem to makes sense no matter where you are or who you are, and there are things that you can try and you know what they work, and that for me is what stoicism is all about.

It's a practical philosophy that actually is something that helps you in your life. It's not just some esoteric, you know, thought idea that people want to sit and argue about, but it's real practical principles about how to live a better life. It's not something that you have to take as dogma. You don't have to take the whole thing and say, I have to live exactly this way. There are just lots of principles that can help you in different aspects of your life, but it's put together in a decent framework, so you have a good foundation to kind of help guide your life when find yourself in challenging situations.

There was another part of her main points of the article that I definitely had a bone to pick, and I wanted to bring that up today. She talks about how stoicism is used to basically get rid of emotions, and she says if you refuse to make a deep emotional investment in anything, you will likely miss the joy that accompanies success, not simply avoiding the pain of failure. She also says that stoicism is thus a bit like those drugs for bipolar disorder that cause emotions to flatline and help avoid the lows at the cost of sacrificing the highs. And this is something I really disagree with because for me, stoicism is not about divorcing yourself from emotions or turning off all of your emotions. Stoicism for me is about understanding how your emotions are created, how your emotions affect you, how the thoughts in your head, the stories that you tell yourself create a lot of these emotions and how by understanding these things, you can manage your emotions better.

I mean, I see stoics as people who not who are not avoiding emotions but are so comfortable with emotions that they can move in and out of them really easy. They can sit in those heavy, dark, challenging emotions and they don't act like everybody else does or how how you think they should. And that's really what it comes down to is that stoics take their time so that they can be in charge of their emotions. They don't respond like a lot of people do in the situation.

So Seneca did a really good job of explaining this when he said, “Everyone faces up more bravely to a thing for which he has long prepared himself sufferings. Even being withstood if they have been trained for in advance, those who are unprepared on the other hand are panic stricken by the most insignificant happenings.”

I mean a good metaphor for this is that if you come upon a fire and somebody's house is on fire, usually the people who are trying to escape are kind of freaking out. They are doing their best to get out of the house as fast as they can. And most people in a dangerous situation like that are are working off of pure instinct. They're doing their best to just get out of there as fast as possible. But if you are a firefighter and you are well trained and you know how to handle yourself in a firefighting situation, you're going to come up on a situation like this and your reaction, your response is going to be very very different for a number of reasons. One, because you've trained because you're comfortable in that situation, you're comfortable in this situation that brings a lot of fear and anxiety to your average person.

A stoic is very much like this. They're okay with uncomfortable emotions. In fact they can sit with them and they practiced being okay with these dark emotions. So they're not repressing these emotions, they're just learning how to sit with them and deal with them in a much healthier way rather than allowing these emotions to overtake them and cause them to do things that they might regret later on.

I mean the stoics feel their emotions just as much as anyone else. When someone dies, for a stoic, they grieve just as much as the next person. They just don't let that grief overcome them to the point of inaction. Stoics strive to be emotionally mature. This means that rather than reacting like most people would, stoics practice mindfulness in a way that allows them to see the situation for what it really is and act in the way that's going to be most helpful.

The way I see it as a stoic is kind of one step ahead of the game. They are not easily upset by things because when they come upon a situation, they’re so mindful of their own emotions that they're able to, again, manage them in a way that's going to be most beneficial for everybody in the situation. It doesn't mean they turn them off. It just means that they can step past those emotions, they can step past that fear, they can step past that anger and act in a way that's going to be more helpful than giving in to those emotions.

Because of this mindfulness, when things are challenging ,when there's a crisis, they know that losing their shit would cause more harm than good. And so they use their rationality to serve those around them rather than being upset about the awfulness of their circumstances. They recognize that they always have a choice to do something of value in any situation. Even if those choices are very limited. A stoic takes their time to examine and get to know their emotional states and to be curious about what they're feeling. They learn to sit with these emotions, especially when those emotions are uncomfortable. They don't repress those emotions, but they get comfortable with them.

They're able to sit in any emotional state, knowing that it will most likely be short lived and that it can change in an hour or even just a few minutes. So the stoics have given us a lot of tools to be able to manage our emotions better. And one of the biggest tools, you know, we've talked about this before is the idea of negative visualization or premeditato malorum, which is to sit down and think about in any situation, what's the worst thing that can happen And this can be applied in all kinds of situations.

If you're planning a trip, sometimes sitting down and thinking about what's the worst thing that can happen canan do a number of things. It can help you to notice things that you may not have thought of before. It can help you be more prepared when those things happen.

Another way that it's used is that we imagine what it would be like for those that we love to not be here with us, to have died. And we understand that it's kind of like a pre-grieving process and we we feel that feeling of what it would be like if this person were no longer in our life, we feel that grief already. And part of why this is such a powerful thing is that we get ourselves used to feeling that that kind of sadness. But then when we let go of that, when we recognize that this is just something that we're creating in our minds and we let it go, we appreciate that person because they're still alive and we appreciate them even more in our life and how much they mean to us.

And, for me, we actually deepen our feelings and we appreciate the fact that they are still with us now and so that we have more joy when we're around them. So that practice is a simple practice of imagining what it would be like to be without those we love can help deepen our relationships and our feelings about those person.

Now, don't get me wrong. I think that anytime somebody criticizes stoicism or tries to point out things that are probably wrong with stoicism, I think that's really helpful. And in this case I read the article and even though I disagreed with it, I do find that there are people who oftentimes use stoicism as a tool to repress their emotions and that's not something that stoicism really should be used for.

But I think that we should look at these criticisms and say, “Is that something that's really happening?” And one of the things that I have noticed on reddit in the stoicism subreddit, is that there are quite a few people who talk about using stoicism as a way to limit their emotions as a way to stop feeling a lot of things. And these are usually people who are new to stoicism and they're usually people who are probably in a lot of pain, and sometimes kind of numbing out that pain can be helpful for a time in order for them to get to a place where they can deal with those emotions better.

But if you're using stoicism as a way to simply avoid all negative emotions and to not feel them, then you're kind of missing the point, because stoicism is very much about being like a kayaker on a river. And if you want to say that a river is, is all these swirling emotions going along, then a skillful kayaker doesn't avoid the rapids doesn't avoid the currents. In fact, they really enjoy them and they easily navigate over these currents and rapids, and in some cases, even some waterfalls, but they're comfortable in these tumultuous conditions. They don't try to avoid them, but they handle them with grace and skill and that's how we want to be as stoics. We want to be able to move in and out of these emotions and handle them properly and handle them in a way that's useful without setting them down because those emotional things are what make us human.

Getting comfortable with our emotions is part of being a stoic and just part of being able to live a good life as a human being. Strong emotions aren't something that should be feared but are something that should be understand and should be managed well. And I think stoicism is definitely one of the things that has given us tools to do that better in our lives.

When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they can't tell good from evil.

— Marcus Aurelius

Last week I talked about accepting yourself for exactly who you are, including all the things you like and more importantly the things you don’t like about yourself. This week I want to talk about accepting others for exactly who they are.

Amor Fati is the acceptance and the embracing of your fate, or what life brings your way. We usually think of applying this to just the events and circumstances of life, but have you ever thought of applying this to other people? For me I think of Amor Fati as loving everything in your life, especially those things that you don’t have control over, and one thing we don’t have control of is other people.

I think we can see that most of the problems in our lives and throughout humanity have been one party tries to impose their will and ideas of how they think others should be. We see this in personal relationships and the world as a whole. This is really what the basis of all conflict is.

Why is it that we think we have the right to determine what it best for other people? I think the biggest problem we have with getting along with other people is that we forget that they are not here to do what we want them to. They are not here to look out for our best interest. They are just like us – looking out for their best interest.

What if we just accepted that everyone is looking out for themselves, just like we are? What if we realized that they are just as selfish as we are, and could let go of the idea that other people should act in the way that we want them to? I mean if you did that you would not feel resentful of others. You would never be surprised at anything they did. You would just accept the fact that they are not going to behave how you think they should.

And since we’re working on accepting ourselves for exactly who we are, we have to be honest about the fact that we’re looking out for our own best interests as well. I mean we may say things in such a way that it makes us look better and that we’re not being selfish, but if we’re really honest with ourselves, we’re just looking out for what we want and that’s okay. It’s part of self preservation. It’s just we need to be cognizant when our needs step on the needs of others and work on communicating and negotiating those things. But that is really hard because it means that we have to own up to being exactly who we are and honest about what we really want.

We want them to accept us for exactly who we are, so the better we can be at accepting them for who they are, then we both have the space and support to be ourselves.

When we accept others for who they are, it does not mean that we have to approve of everything they do. We don’t have to like everything they do. We just have to recognize that they are what they are, and to be aware of how our expectations of how we think they should be color how we see them. We make all kinds of judgments base on our expectations, and unless they have explicitly agreed to them, we need to be aware of how we are judging them.

It does not mean that they can ignore our boundaries and behave in ways that are not respectful. We need to clearly communicate with others when they do this, and let them know what is and is not acceptable. If they cross our boundaries that we have communicated then we need to be sure to respect ourselves, and let them know what our response will be.

It does mean that we are gracious with others. When they make mistakes, we give them some space to apologize and make amends. We don’t stop loving them when they annoy us. It means that we can still love them even if they are not perfect.

We also need to encourage others to respect their own boundaries. Often we have friends who don’t think they have the right to stand up for themselves, so being conscientious that we respect their boundaries is important. This helps them to feel like they deserve respect, and we have integrity for respecting their boundaries.

It’s kinda like Shrek and Donkey. They certainly annoy each other, but they still love and support and help each other, even if they’re frustrated with each other. They will never leave the other one hanging when they are in need.

Recognize that we cannot control others, so we let them be themselves. This is not always easy because we have expectations of how we want them to be. And this goes for everyone – family, romantic partners, friends, strangers – everyone.

I think what it really comes down to is that we all want to just be accepted for who we are and to find our place in this world, and the least, or maybe the best that we can do is offer the same to others.

“To be always fortunate, and to pass through life with a soul that has never known sorrow, is to be ignorant of one half of nature.”

― Seneca

Life is never meant to be kittens and rainbows. A good portion of our life is going to sadness, disappointment, and failure. In this episode, I want to talk about how being too positive can actually be bad for you.

Toxic Positivity

One of the interesting topics I’ve been hearing about over the past few months is the idea of toxic positivity and interestingly enough, I’ve heard stoicism mentioned in the same breath. This was a bit perplexing for me, because I don’t see stoicism as something that ignores the challenges in life and pretends they aren’t there. In fact, for me, stoicism is about trying to see and accept reality as it actually is, which makes it easier to manage life. But as I read a bit more on this, I can see why some stoic principles can be misrepresented in such a way that they encourage toxic positivity.

What’s So Bad a Being Positive?

First of all, what is toxic positivity? It’s the idea that you should only think positive thoughts and not let yourself think negative thoughts or emotions. Often we do this and project a positive image, even when we don’t feel positive. Basically, it’s emotional repression. It’s not allowing yourself to feel what you feel, and it discounts what other people are feeling as well. It comes across as inauthentic and fake. According to Tabitha Kirkland, a psychologist and Associate Teaching Professor at University of Washington, “Toxic positivity is a way of responding to your own or someone else’s suffering that comes across as a lack of empathy. It dismisses emotions instead of affirming them.”

While there is nothing wrong with trying to see the positive side of things, toxic positivity is about suppressing the darker side of life. It’s about ignoring reality, and pretending that everything is just fine. And the thing is, life is not always happy. There is going to be sadness, heartbreak, failure, and all kinds of uncomfortable emotions. In fact, in my experience, when I try to avoid negative feelings, my life is often harder and causes more issue than if I just learned how to deal with them.

So how does stoicism get warped to support this idea of toxic positivity?

Being Stoic

I think the biggest problem is that the term stoic has come to mean someone that doesn’t feel emotions, that they repress their emotions. I think this has done a great disservice to stoicism as a whole because it’s not about turning off your feelings. We all feel emotions, but a stoic works to acknowledge those emotions, and to take a moment in between what they feel, and decide how they want to respond, rather than just react. And because of that practice, the person managing their emotions doesn’t react in a way that most people would. They take their time to slow down, see how they feel, process those emotions, and decide how they want to respond in a situation.

Toxic positivity means that people will simply ignore how they feel in a situation for a number of reasons. Maybe they don’t want to upset others, or they find it challenging to sit with uncomfortable emotions. Maybe they grew up in a family where they were to repress darker emotions and to put on a happy face. Toxic positivity is just another way of pushing away uncomfortable emotions from ourselves or others with a fake smile.

I think that this is really the opposite of stoicism. For me, stoicism is about being in touch with how you feel about things. It’s being exceptionally aware of your emotions, how your body feels, your gut instinct. It’s not about ignoring these things, but being so aware of them, and so in touch with them, that you know how to handle them in any given situation. Being stoic is not about ignoring feelings, but being so in control of yourself that you can acknowledge and manage them in a healthy way.

Perspective

Another way that I think the toxic positivity gets mixed up with stoicism is that the stoics teach us that our perception is how we give meaning to the things around us, and this meaning influences how we feel about things. We should take time to be aware of our perceptions so that we are sure that we are reading a situation correctly. Often our perspective is wrong and we respond incorrectly, so doing our best to be sure that our perspective serves us, and our observations are correct, we can change the meaning we give things. This doesn’t mean that we can simply decide that something isn’t dangerous and suddenly it’s not. For example, if we see someone coming at us with a knife and an angry expression, we can’t just decide that it’s safe and everything will be fine.

There are plenty of situations where changing our perspective is useful and we can choose how we want to react when we feel those emotions. For example, if someone is insulting us and we decide we don’t really care about what they have to say, then it’s pretty easy not to get riled up about it. It doesn’t mean that we don’t call them out for being rude, or point out that what they have to say is offensive. The parts that we control are whether we are offended and what we do about it.

You gotta know happy – you gotta know glad
Because you're gonna know lonely
And you're gonna know bad

— Mark Knopfler

Good and Bad Emotions

Another problem comes in when we make judgements about whether the emotions that we feel are good or bad. I want to propose that no emotion is good or bad, it just is. Are some emotions difficult to handle? Yes they are, but that does not make them bad. And the thing is, life is going to be full of all kinds of emotions. You will not feel happy all the time. There’s going to be sadness, heartbreak, and sorrow. And they’re all okay, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling these things. In fact, learning to appreciate all these emotions makes you a more full human being. I mean, if someone close to us dies, do you want to just be numb to it? Grief is exactly what we are feeling, and there is nothing wrong with feeling grief. Grief is a challenging emotion, but it’s not a bad emotion. I know for me, as much as it sucks to go through these difficult emotions, repressing them and ignoring them is far worse.

Life is Suffering

How do you combat toxic positivity?

The first of the four noble truths the Buddha taught was that there is suffering, and that there is no way to escape it. We will get sick. We’ll feel pain. We will feel sorrow, and loneliness, but when we accept that there will be suffering in life, then we are already on the path to enlightenment. We make room in our lives for all the emotions we feel, not just the positive one. Think of it this way – if we don’t expect life to be perfect and we assume that things are going to suck and we’re going to get bruised and battered, then we are better able to manage when things are difficult.

And the thing is we shouldn’t being trying to avoid the more difficult emotions. A good way to think about this is that if you aren’t failing at something, you’re not taking any risks or growing. If you haven’t had your heart broken, then you are not trying to love.

Self Validation

We all need to have our experience validated. By ourselves, and by others. Now when I talk about validation, what I mean is that we need acknowledgement of our experience. It does not mean that we need others’ approval. By acknowledging what we’re feeling and talking about what we are feeling, we are able to own our experience. When we share this with another person, they help us validate what we feel. Often what we feel may not make sense, and we may not like the feelings, but it is what we feel. It could be completely irrational, or uncomfortable, but it does not mean those feelings are bad. They just are. The better we get at acknowledging what we’re feeling and sitting with them, the better we can deal with setbacks. When we just “try to stay positive” and pretend that everything is fine, we’re not acknowledging the truth of the situation. In fact, what we’re doing is lying to ourselves.

When I got divorced, I really struggled for a while. While I knew I would get past the feeling of loss, I still grieved for the loss. I missed seeing my kids every day, and putting them to bed at night. To say the least, it was uncomfortable and, at times, painful. There were times I felt incredibly lonely. There were times I’d drop my kids off at their mom’s house and I’d come home and cry in my empty apartment. But I knew that if I just pretended like everything was okay, then I would not only be lying to myself, those emotions would probably show up in other, more destructive ways.

Sharing Feels

Just as important as feeling our feelings is validating others’ feelings. I think that a big reason many of us find dealing with our emotions so challenging is because we’re often taught at a young age that some feelings are off limits. When parents or peers tell us things like, “Stop crying, everything is fine”, or “it’s not a big deal”, basically we’re being taught that what we feel is unimportant or wrong. What we need in this world is more validation from each other.

When another person talks to us about their feelings or about their experience in the world, if we are constantly trying to put a positive spin on things, we are not acknowledging their experience. If your friend is feeling awful after a breakup, failed at something that was important to them, don’t minimize how they’re feeling. Let them feel it, and share it with them. And validating does not mean that we have to just agree with everything they say. It means that we acknowledge their experience. We acknowledge they feel sad or angry or hurt, just like we would if they were happy.

Conclusion

Dealing with emotions is always challenging, and I think that as we progress as a society, we’re learning more and more how not dealing with emotions in a healthy way is not a way to live an authentic life. Any time that emotions aren’t dealt with, they crop up and cause issues in other areas of our lives. Learning to feel all your feelings and manage them helps you to live a richer and deeper life.

—
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If this podcast speaks to you, join us over in the Stoic Coffee House. The Stoic Coffee House is a community built around the ideas of stoicism and the Stoic Coffee Break  podcast.
Also stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.
Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

Like what you hear? Join us at the Stoic Coffee House!

What kind of privileges have you had in your life? Do you recognize the advantages that you have enjoyed? In this episode I want to talk about privilege, and how the stoics encourage us to use the privileges we have  to improve society.

One cannot pursue one’s own highest good without at the same time necessarily promoting the good of others. A life based on narrow self-interest cannot be esteemed by any honorable measurement.  Seeking the very best in ourselves means actively caring for the welfare of other human beings. Our human contract is not with the few people with whom our affairs are most immediately intertwined, nor to the prominent, rich, or well educated,  but to all our human brethren.

— Epictetus

What advantages have you benefited from in your life? Maybe you were born into a wealthy or middle class family. Maybe you are part of the majority race or ethnic group in your community. Maybe you were born with some talent or physical attribute that gave you advantages that others don’t have. We each have different privileges that have nothing to do with anything that we do or have done, or whether or not we deserve or don’t deserve them.

Before we dig into this any farther, I want to state that having privileges is not a bad thing. They are simply things that you got that you didn’t have to work for. For example, if you are white and male in America, you have certain privileges that you gain simply by the color of your skin and your sex that others don’t have.

There is nothing wrong with having privileges!

We all have things help us, that give us some kind of advantage. Whether that’s other people, circumstances, or talent, there is nothing wrong with admitting that we had help along the way. For example, would the fact that your parents could afford the best education for you diminish your accomplishments in your chosen field? Not at all. It just means that you had access to resources that plenty of others don’t.

What I take issue with is if you are unwilling to acknowledge them and recognize that others don’t have the same privileges as you. Some people act as though their privileges are something that they deserve or earned, or they don’t even notice that they have them to begin with. We need to acknowledge them and be willing to help those that do not have access to the same privileges that we have.

“The Stoics believed in social reform, but they also believed in personal transformation. More precisely, they thought the first step in transforming a society into one in which people live a good life is to teach people how to make their happiness depend as little as possible on their external circumstances. The Stoics would add that if we fail to transform ourselves, then no matter how much we transform the society in which we live, we are unlikely to have a good life”

— William B. Irvine

While many aspects of stoicism are about taking personal responsibility, we often forget to examine how we should use what we learn to improve the world, and to help those that may not have had the same advantages. In fact, one of the four highest virtues of stoicism is justice. Because the world is not naturally a fair and just place, it is up to us to help make the world more fair and just. That people aren’t denied opportunities simply based on external factors such as where they were born, or their skin color, or sex, which all things that we have no control over.

What good is working on yourself to be a better person and not using what you have to help society? We’re all in this life together and there is so much that we can do to make this place better for everyone. The stoics lay it out very clearly that humans are social animals, and part of our purpose in life is to help others and to use what skills and advantages we have to improve society as a whole.

So let’s use me as an example and talk about some privileges that I have enjoyed in my life. I’m white and male and was born into a middle class family. My parents both had college degrees, my mother was an English teacher and my father was a software engineer. My mother stayed home and took care of us until we were all in school. Because of my parents’ emphasis on learning and books, I was reading before kindergarten. Because my father made pretty good money, I never had to worry about having enough to eat or having good clothing. They supported me in all of my extracurricular activities, such as soccer and theater. These advantages that I had made it easier for me to excel at school.

Because I’m white and male, I’m paid more than those who are another race or gender. I don’t worry about my safety when I’m pulled over by the police for a traffic stop. It’s easier for me a to get a loan on a house or a car, and my interest rates will be less than someone who is not white. When I’m walking alone at night downtown, I don’t have to worry nearly as much about my safety as a female. There are plenty of privileges afforded to me that I don’t have to do anything for.

When I was in college, I worked at a customer service center for a credit card company. One day I was talking to my friend Danny who worked there about why we had some many people who had emigrated from Mexico but did not speak English. Danny was from Spain and spoke 5 languages, far exceeding my meager bilingual status. I asked him why these people who had lived in the US for decades had never learned English, but I spent two years in Austria, and spoke fluent German. I assumed it was just because they were lazy, giving into the stereotype that is often attributed to Mexican immigrants. Danny looked at me and said, “Well, think about this way. Many of these people barely have an elementary school education and can barely read. How easy to you think it would be to learn another language if you could barely read your own?”

I was very humbled at that moment because the thought had never occurred to me. I recognize that the high quality education that I received made it much easier to pick up another language because I could read things as simple as a German-English dictionary, as well as higher level books about German grammar. I had also taken German in high school, so I knew a lot of the basics years before I ever set foot in Austria.

“For as these were made to perform a particular function, and, by performing it according to their own constitution, gain in full what is due to them, so likewise, a human being is formed by nature to benefit others, and, when he has performed some benevolent action or accomplished anything else that contributes to the common good, he has done what he was constituted for, and has what is properly his.”

— Marcus Aurelius

In America we have a really strong streak of so called rugged individualism, and I find that concept very problematic. I hear people talk about how they are self made, that they achieved their success in life by themselves, and I find that argument simply ridiculous. We are all dependent upon other people. When we’re born, we are 100% dependent on our parents or caregivers. There is no way that we are not dependent on others. If we didn’t have others helping us, we would never make it past childhood.

We are all better off when we help each other. You probably drink the clean water that is provided by your city. You drive on the roads that were built by your city or state. You may have gone to a university that was partially supported by the state. You rely on the fire department that is funded by your city or county. These are just a few examples, but simply put, when we pool our resources and find ways to support and help as many people as possible, then we are all better off. When others in your community succeed, then your whole community is better off, and that means you get to live in a better community, which in turn makes the world little better.

The reason why Stoicism is incompatible with racism, misogyny, bigotry, and hatred of others for things outside of their control is that because we are only responsible for the things we can control. No one can control what family they were born into. No one can control what race or sex they are born. Therefore, we cannot hold others responsible for what race they are born and hate them for it because they cannot control it.

Each of us is born into circumstances that we can’t control. We do not choose the family that we’re born into, the color of our skin, or our sex. Maybe we are born into money and have opportunities that others could never even dream of. Maybe we have some kind of gift of intelligence or natural physical or athletic skill that sets us apart from others. We all have different advantages and disadvantages in every area of our lives, and the more we share and support each other, the better the world is.

—
Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If this podcast speaks to you, join us over in the Stoic Coffee House. The Stoic Coffee House is a community built around the ideas of stoicism and the Stoic Coffee Break  podcast.
Also stop by the website at stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop.
Lastly if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

Like what you hear? Become a patron!

“The responsibility is all yours. No one can stop you from being honest or straightforward.”

— Marcus Aurelius

Do you own your actions? Do you graciously accept the consequences of your choices? When you make a mistake do you try to cover it up? Today I want to talk about the idea that to have more control over your life, you need to accept responsibility for everything you do.

“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”

— P. J. O’Rourke

Blame

How often do we blame our behavior on something outside of ourselves? For example, maybe we tell a person we’re arguing with that if they had not done or said something then we would not have gotten angry? And the thing is, our language, at least English, is full of phrases that help reinforce this way of thinking. For example, how many times have you said that someone “made you angry” or “something upset you”? Do they really have the power to turn your emotions on or off?

We even see this in our leaders and public figures. I mean how many times have we seen a politician make up all kings of excuses or use phrases like “mistakes were made” as a way to distance themselves from a bad situation? Even worse is when they try to blame a whole group of people, such as immigrants, a racial group, or other political party for why things are wrong. Part of leadership is to step up and take responsibility.

Another way that we avoid responsibility is when we say we “had no choice” to do what we did. We always have a choice. We may not like the choices that we have before us, but we always have a choice. Every time we point to some reason outside ourselves of why we made a choice, we are reacting and not responding. Every time we blame something outside of ourselves, we give up control and lessen our power in our own lives. When we own up to every time we make a choice, and we accept the responsibility, we gain some power.

“Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.”

— Sigmund  Freud

Why do we Shift Blame?

Why do we blame others for our mistakes? Why do we shift the blame for things outside of ourselves? One reason is we don’t like to look at our own shortcomings. Our ego doesn’t like the fact that we might not be as great as we think we are, and I’ll tell you something – you aren’t as perfect as you think you are. And that’s okay. You don’t need to be perfect.

Another reason is that it is just easier to blame someone else because you don’t have to repair things. You don’t have to fix what you messed up. You can just blame it on someone else, and by doing so, you don’t have to put in any work. You don’t have to make amends or change what you’re doing.

Shifting blame can also give you an excuse to continue with your unacceptable behavior. If the reason for your behavior is outside of yourself, then there is nothing you can do to fix it, so you can carry on with your shitty behavior.

What Happens When We Avoid Responsibility?

When we don’t take responsibility for the things that happen in our lives, then we don’t have control of our lives. We are always being acted upon, making ourselves helpless, and choosing to be victims. When we take responsibility for our lives, then we are in control of our lives. The more responsibility we take for ourselves, the more power we have. External things have much less control over us.

One of the worst side effects of avoiding responsibility is damage it causes to personal relationships. When people feel like you are not taking responsibility for your feelings and actions and that you blame them or always have excuses, it erodes trust. When we accept responsibility for ourselves, then others can rely on us to pull our weight, and they're usually more willing to step up and help when we can’t.

Another downside to shifting blame is that it damages our careers. If we’re always making excuses and never stepping up and taking responsibility for our part when things don’t go to plan, then our colleagues at work can’t rely on us. They can’t trust that we’ll step up and accept responsibility for our mistakes, and help fix those mistakes.

“A person conquers the world by conquering themselves.”

— Zeno of Citium

Great Power

For those familiar with Spider-Man, one of the most iconic sayings in the Spiderverse comes from Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben. As a parental figure and role model for Peter, Uncle Ben tells Peter,

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

— Uncle Ben, Spider-Man

When Peter gets his Spidey powers, he uses this teaching as a guide for trying to use his power for good, and to step up when things are tough. And it is true – when you have great power, you have great responsibility. We see that Marcus Aurelius embraced this philosophy as emperor. He saw himself as a servant to his people, and not as a king to be served.

I want to take that idea though, and flip it on its head

“With great responsibility comes great power.”

The more we take responsibility for our thoughts, emotions, choices, and actions, the more control we have ourselves. The more control we have over ourselves, the more we can focus on being useful to others. The more we take on, the more power we have. If we are constantly leaving messes for others to clean up, then people won’t trust us, and the less they will want to work with us.

If you want to have great power in this life, take on more responsibility, especially for your own thoughts, choices, and actions. Build a resilient foundation, so you can take on bigger challenges. When shit gets hard, you’ll be able to stick things out rather than falling apart when a challenge comes your way. If you are constantly shifting blame for things outside yourself, then you are never actually fixing the problems and issues in your life.

Own It

So how do we become more responsible for our lives?

First, we accept that we blame things outside of ourselves. (See what I did there?) If we can acknowledge that we shift the blame, then we notice when we do it.

We listen to how we speak. If we say something like, “I did this because John made me angry”, we’re putting the blame for our feelings and actions on someone else.

We stop complaining. When we complain, we’re blaming our unhappiness on things outside of ourselves. Plus, no one likes to hear you complain.

We stop making excuses. Every time we make an excuse, we are avoiding responsibility. For example, if we’re late for dinner, don’t complain about traffic. Own that you didn’t leave enough time. The traffic may have been bad, but we own our part in not adding some time into our travel plan. We own the things we can control.

We keep our promises. Now why is this one important? When we come up with excuses because we failed to keep our promises and commitments, we’re trying to get out of being held responsible. The more we can set and keep our commitments, the more others trust us, and the more we self respect we have for ourselves.

Know what you want in life. If you know what you want in your life, you know the life you want to live, and you act accordingly. Your actions are in line with who you want to be. You accept responsibility for what happens because you are owning choices and actions and the consequences.

Conclusion

Taking responsibility for your choices and actions is hard, but the more you work on doing so, the more power that you have over your life. It means that others can trust you. By owning your mistakes, taking responsibility for your choices and actions, you take control of your life.

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If you like what you hear, head on over to patreon.com/stoicoffee and help support this podcast by becoming a patron. Also stop by the website at www.stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop. Also, if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

Like what you hear? Become a patron!

How aware are you of what you are thinking? What you are feeling? Most of us like to think that we are pretty aware of what’s going on in our minds or what emotion is currently driving us. I mean, we’re the one inside of our mind, so we should know what we’re thinking or feeling, right? Well, not always. Often, the thoughts and emotions inside my head are busy, confusing, conflicting, and overwhelming. So today we’re going to talk about the most important mental skill you can develop, awareness.

“Objective judgment, at this very moment. Unselfish action, now at this very moment. Willing acceptance – now at this very moment – of all external events. That’s all you need.”

— Marcus Aurelius

One of the most important principles of Stoicism is that we are in control of our thoughts, choices, and actions. But if we’re not even aware of the thoughts that are going on in our head, how are we in control of what we are thinking? I mean, how many times have you had a song stuck in your head that you tried to get rid of, only to find yourself absentmindedly humming it a few hours later?

Thinking, and Thinking, and Thinking…

It is estimated that we have around 65,000 thoughts a day. That’s a lot of noise going on in our minds, and most of those thought go barely or even completely unnoticed. It’s no wonder by the end of the day we’re tired and weary and ready to give our brains a rest, even if we have done nothing particularly physically or mentally demanding. Just the ongoing chatter in our minds can be exhausting.

Why is it so important to know what we are thinking? Because what we think creates the emotions that we have, and those emotions influence the choices we make and the actions that we take. If we are not focusing our awareness on the current moment, then our mind is somewhere or maybe some when else. We may be thinking about the past or anticipating what might happen in the future.

When we choose to be mindful and to be aware, we are also much more present in our lives. We are “here, now”, and not with our minds wandering through other times and spaces, unless we choose to let that happen. There is nothing wrong with letting your mind wander, to allow yourself to be bored, to use your imagination. But often, when the work in front of us is challenging, we allow ourselves to get distracted by other things because we don’t want to focus on the hard work. Our brains are lazy. And we can allow our brains to be lazy, but it should be a choice, and not a default way of acting because we are avoiding something.

“Self-control is all about moment to moment self awareness. You catch yourself doing – or about to do – something undesirable, see that it isn’t good for you in the long term, and as a result of this awareness abstain from doing it.”

— The Ancient Sage

Why Would We Want to be Unaware?

There are a lot of reasons that we may not want to be aware. For example, I like to think I’m a pretty good person, but there are parts of me I don’t like. Sometimes I behave in ways that I’m not proud of. I say things that are mean and hurtful. I don’t like these shadow parts all that much because they aren’t the person who I imagine myself to be, so being aware of and owning these shadow parts of me can be very uncomfortable.

Sometimes being aware of the world around us can be painful. I think a lot of people genuinely don’t like the lives they are living, but they feel like it’s just their lot in life. I know I felt that way growing up and that I had little choice but to follow what the church had laid out for me as the way to live my life. I think many people, they became more aware in their lives, and they knew that they can choose to do something about it, many people would shrink back in fear because change is hard. Change is scary. It is safer to remain in ignorance than to accept the challenge of improving their lives.

People will ignore what is going around them because the truth, because reality can be too painful. To be truly mindful and aware is to accept reality for what it is. Amore Fati is ultimately about awareness. It is about doing your best to be aware of what is really happening, to acknowledge it, and to accept it and not wish it to be otherwise.

“I think, therefore I am, what I think I am.”

— 2Nu

Mindfulness is a Choice

The hardest part about mindfulness is to remember to be mindful. Because mindfulness is a choice, is it something that we have to actively work on. We don’t just wake up one day being mindful. It’s something that we have to constantly practice each minute of each day. We have to develop strategies. To be aware of our current experience is to be more fully alive, rather than sleep walking with our heads stuck in the past or the future. It is to choose to be here in this very moment. When we can be present in this moment, then we are truly alive. We are experiencing everything around us more intensely.

Having a higher level of awareness does not mean that life become magically easier, but the more mindful we are, the more effective we are. We are more aware of the choices that we make. We can even reduce the number of choices that we need to make in a day. This saves a lot of energy and time, and we are more effective with the choices we make.

Task Switching

Many of us try to do too many things at once. We like to think that we can multi-task and have it all. But there have been plenty of studies that have shown that multitasking is not really something that we can do as humans. This constant task switching extracts a cost every time we move from one task to the next. It takes our brains some time to get back into the groove of the previous task that we were working on. When you cultivate mindfulness, you can be more aware of when you are task switching, so you can be more deliberate when you choose to switch task. Reducing your task switching reduces the amount of ramp up time time.

When you are more mindful of what you are doing, you are better able to accomplish your task because you are not mentally somewhere else. When you are more present, you are more engaged with what you are doing. Because you are focused on what you are doing, the quality of your work is better because all your resources are focused on the task at hand.

Flow State

In sports and other performance based activities, there is the concept of being a flow state. Where the process of what you are working on feels smooth and you are “in the zone”. I think that most of us have experienced this state when we have become engrossed in whatever we were doing. We felt energized, had a clear focus, and proficiency at whatever task we were doing. But what if we took this idea and worked on applying it in our daily lives? What if we tried to apply this kind of mindfulness as a way of being?

Why would we want to be more in a flow state throughout our days? I mean, wouldn’t you want to feel energized, focused, and proficient in your daily life? There are a lot of benefits from working in a flow state. We can be more aware of ourselves and our thinking. We are able to make decisions faster, and with more clarity. We’re more relaxed, focused, and can tap into the better parts of our thinking.

Practice

The moment to moment awareness I’m talking about is difficult to achieve. It takes a lot of energy, effort, and practice. But if we want to become truly in control of our thoughts, choices, and actions, then we need to practice this kind of awareness. And that’s just what it is, a practice. You will never be 100% aware all the time. We just not wired for that way. Some days you’ll be better and some days you’ll struggle. But everyday you practice on being more mindful, the more you’ll feel in touch with the world, and with yourself.

This kind of practice also helps you to be more intentional about your life. Because you are paying more attention to what you are thinking, you can be more deliberate about the choices you make, not just being reactive to everything that comes your way.

There are lots of different ways to practice mindfulness, but really it’s just about choosing to focus your attention on something, and this is something that you can do with almost everything. It can be just taking a moment to really focus on the sounds around you and the different textures and timbres you can hear. You can look closely at a painting or a picture and try to notice as many details about it as you can. When you are eating your lunch, what are the different textures and tastes and scents that you can detect?

One practice that I have been using over the past few weeks is what I call AAA:

Awareness

Acknowledgement

Acceptance

I try throughout the day, whenever I remember, or whenever I check the time on a clock, to ask myself, what I’m feeling. Then I acknowledge it by simply saying, “I am feeling ” whatever it is I’m feeling: anxious, bored, sad, whatever. Then I accept it. I don’t try to change it, I just accept it by saying, “and that’s okay”.

When you are more aware of your feelings, your more aware of the impact they have on your choices and the actions that you take. I know for me that a lot of times after I’ve gotten into an argument, when I reflect on what happened, I recognize I was unaware of how I was feeling beforehand. I may have been irritable, but since I wasn’t being mindful, I let how I was feeling color my perspective, which changed the meaning that I gave something. My judgement impacted the choices I made of how to handle that situation.

Conclusion

If we want to take control of the things that we can control, namely our thoughts, emotions, choices, and actions, we need to increase our self-awareness. And as we become more mindful, we become more present in our lives. You could say that life just seems more real. Colors seem more vivid. You notice more of your surroundings. You’re more present for the people around you. Being more aware means being more alive.

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If you like what you hear, head on over to patreon.com/stoicoffee and help support this podcast by becoming a patron. Also stop by the website at www.stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop. Also, if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

Help support this podcast by becoming a patron!

“Humans exist for the sake of one another.”

— Marcus Aurelius

A few weeks ago I talked about being self-sovereign, that you are in 100% responsible for your choices and actions, and that you may live exactly the want to, regardless of the opinions of others. I got to thinking about it, and I wanted to cover another aspect of what it means to be self-sovereign. When you choose to live by your rules and values, it means that you are only controlling the things that you can control, and not trying to control those you can’t. But does this mean that you can ignore everyone around you and live in ways that are only helpful to you?

Yes, you can. But does that mean that you should?

I talk a lot about how we are not responsible for the feelings of others, so why should we care about the feelings of others? Why shouldn’t you just be a selfish person and do whatever you want? I will not tell you shouldn’t. You have the right to be exactly the person who you want to be, and so does everyone else. They also have the right to be exactly who they want to be and choose the life that they want.

So why should we care about other people?

To quote one of my favorite films of all times:

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.”

— Moulin Rouge

Because caring for other people, connecting with people, loving others, and being loved is the only thing that matters in life.

And why do I think this is the case? Because you can have all kinds of possessions but when you die, they are no longer yours. You can’t take them with you. All that is true left of you, and what has the most impact, is how you treated the people around you.

If we think about it from a purely evolutionary point of view, what is the purpose of life? To survive, and have offspring. That’s it. So basically, your life would like this: You’re born, you grow up, at some point have sex, do your best to see that your offspring survive as long as they can so that they can have offspring, then you die. Doesn’t sound all the great right?

But the thing is, other people make this life worth living. Having a loving and supportive community around you is where you find the most fulfillment in life. Not the amount of money you have or the amount of stuff you have, but impact you have on other people.

So why do I believe that caring about others is the purpose of life? My father died in when I was 24 years old. It was a hard time for me. We weren’t really talking to each other because I was still so angry about the abuse I suffered growing up. I didn’t know how to be around him. I wanted to forgive him, but I didn’t know how. He died rather suddenly so there was no time to address these things, and to be honest, I don’t know that he would have been open to talking about them anyway. I don’t have any possessions from my father and I’m fine with that. The things that I have are the lessons that I learned from him, both good and bad. Those are the things that lasted after his death. And what would I have liked most to have from him? More memories of love and compassion and connection. Those are the things that I still crave, even though he’s been gone for decades.

“That before long you’ll be no one, and nowhere. Like all the things you see now. All the people now living. Everything’s destiny is to change, to be transformed, to perish. So that new things can be born.”

— Marcus Aurelius

On a larger scale, when have empathy and compassion for others, we create a better society. We need cooperation and connection to create a society that benefits the most people, rather than just the wealthy or the privileged. More important than buildings or money or anything else, a culture should be judged by its values – by its willingness to help the poor, to protect the helpless, and ensure equal rights to all. The greatest thinkers, poets, and philosophers throughout time have made this abundantly clear. Buddha, Jesus, Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Jr., the Dalai Lama…I could on for days.

When we have empathy and compassion for others, we create a better life for ourselves. When we connect with others, we can work together make our own communities better because we can do far more together than we can by ourselves.

While some of us may be more naturally empathetic, we are physiologically wired for compassion. In 1848, a man named Phineas Gage was injured in a construction accident. An explosion drove an iron rod through his skull. He survived, but his personality was markedly different. He became much more profane, cared little for others, and had reduced impulse control. His ability to be empathetic towards others seemed to have shut down.

Others

So what happens when you don’t care about others?

When we don’t care about others, and decide that we don’t have to consider our impact on others, we see the damage it causes us as a society. Throughout the pandemic, we have seen countless numbers of people who decided that it more important for them to get a haircut or to go drink at a bar than to slow the spread of the Corona virus, and help save lives. They have refused to get vaccinated or wear masks in public because they felt the lives of others were less important than having to change their lifestyle. Their choices have dampened the effort to control the virus and now we are dealing with an uptick in cases, and more contagious variants.

On a personal level, if you are materialistic, you might work hard to have all kinds of possessions. You might want other people might admire you. But the thing is, you can’t control if they admire you or not. You might think they admire you for your wealth or status, but you honestly don’t know if they do or not. When we set our hearts on possessions, we are actually putting our happiness in the wrong things. When we are only self serving, we are constantly taking, so the control of our happiness is outside of ourselves.

If you are a selfish person, then you’re probably not going to have a lot of friends. Nobody wants to spend their time around someone that makes everything all about them, who takes, and never gives or contributes to the friendship. If you choose to devote all of your time and energy doing things that hurt other people, then chances are you will not have that many close friends. Certainly not any that care for you and have your back when you need it.

If you want to have people close to you that love and care for you, then you need to be a loving and caring person yourself.

Care

So how do you find a balance of living your life the way you want and to live with others?

When we choose to be self-sovereign, we take responsibility for our actions. We are honest. We are are clear about our intentions. We accept the results and consequences for our actions. We do not blame others for how we feel or for our actions. Most importantly, we pay attention to how our actions impact others and we apologize do our best to make amends when we make mistakes. We do not defend our actions when we know they are wrong just because we don’t want to own our mistakes.

We set boundaries because we know that by letting people know how they can best interact with us; it makes it easier for them to love us. Boundaries also help us take care of ourselves so that we can give our best to others. It does not mean that you need to change because someone doesn’t like what you did or said. If you are living up to your core principles and have acted in a way that you feel is honorable, then you do not need to change to fit others. You do not need to become something you’re not because someone else is uncomfortable with it.

We also respect others and honor their boundaries. We do this by asking what they need and how we can help. We do not simply decide that we know best and try to impose our will on them. We do our best to help where we can, but do so in a way that respects our own boundaries and values.

One thing I have learned in my life is when we are selfish, and only look out for ourselves, it makes us less happy. When we harden ourselves to the plight of others, we miss an opportunity to increase our ability for compassion, and do something good. When we are too focused on us, we may get what we want, but we don’t feel as good. Simply put, it feels good to be connected to and to help others.

You need not look about for the reward of a just deed; a just deed in itself offers a still greater return.

—Seneca

Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If you like what you hear, head on over to patreon.com/stoicoffee and help support this podcast by becoming a patron. Also stop by the website at www.stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop. Also, if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

Like what you hear? Help support this podcast by becoming a patron!

“If something is difficult for you to accomplish, do not then think it impossible for any human being; rather, if it is humanly possible and corresponds to human nature, know that it is attainable by you as well.” 

— Marcus Aurelius

What is the key to success? Why are some people able to achieve what they want while others languish? Today we’re going to talk about how Stoicism can help you to develop the skills it takes to reach your goals, and live your best life.

My Story

When I first started this podcast, it was simply a way for me to record my thoughts about Stoicism and share what I learned with others. I had wanted to start a podcast and had tried a few ideas, but never felt like anything worked, or was up to the standard I felt it should be. So, I made a promise to myself that I would just put it out, even if it sucked. For 137 days, I did an episode every day. Sometimes I would write down my ideas, go drop my kids off at school, then record an episode in my car while waiting for traffic to clear up before heading into work. Some were good, some were not so good, but it didn’t matter. I put them out anyway, remembering my promise to myself that I would put it out even if it sucked. The key was to create something, and get a little better each time.

When I switched to doing it on a weekly basis, I still found it challenging. Sometimes I would stress out about whether or not it was good enough, but I still made myself put it out. I finally reached a point where I was stressing out over the quality. I was a bit burned out and still deeply insecure, and convinced myself that I really didn’t want to do it anymore. So I quit, using my desire to focus on music as an excuse.

Last summer, I was curious to see how many downloads my podcast had. I was shocked when I saw that even after a year of no new episodes, I had almost 250,000 downloads. I was dumbfounded. I had no idea what I had created had still been connecting with people in my absence. I thought about restarting the podcast, but found that nagging insecurity made it difficult to sit down and create episodes. Even with the numbers on my side, it still took several more months of grappling with the fear of not being good enough to actually sit down and record more episodes.

Since the beginning of this year, I have put out some of the best episodes I think I’ve ever created. I feel like my skills in writing, recording, and editing have improved substantially. I have seen the number of listener grow exponentially. Most importantly, I’ve had scores of people contact me to let me know how much the podcast has helped them deal with some challenging aspect of their lives, and in some cases helped them make life altering changes.

Through all of this, I’ve learned a few key secrets to how to be successful at anything, and I’d like to share those with you.

Keys to Success

Most of us want to be successful in life. We want to be masters at what we do. Being at the top of our game is something most of us strive for. But so much of what we find on the internet is about how to make whole bunch of money with very little work. We’re sold easy promises of how to get rich quick. I know that I’ve found them tempting, only feel like the promises and ideas that they were peddling just didn’t square with my ethics, or sounded too good to be true.

The secret to being successful is really kind of boring, but it is often elusive because we get caught up in trying to find the shortcut, the sexy tactic, or the secret no one else knows about. It can be summed up in single quote:

“How do you move forward? One step at a time. How do you lose weight? One kilo at a time. How do you write a book? One page at a time. How do you build a relationship? One day at a time. In a world obsessed with speed, never forget things of real worth and value take time.”

— Thibaut

You don’t have to be incredibly smart. You don’t have to be clever. You don’t even have to be naturally talented. What you do have to be is consistent. If you can make even just 1% progress every day, you will succeed at anything that you mind and energy towards. Consistency is key.

This last week I attended an online workshop about how to make your podcast more successful. There was a panel of some of the most successful podcasts on the internet. I found it interesting and informative from the advice that they had to give, but I also found it just as interesting to read the questions that were asked from the audience. One question that came up several times was what is the fastest way to get more listeners? Many of the people asking the question has just recently put out a few episodes and seemed impatient because they didn’t have hundreds or thousands of listeners. Over and over the panelists would answer with things like keep putting out more episodes, keep improving your craft, keep engaging with your audience.

Things Get In The Way

The hardest part about being consistent, is that things get in the way. There are so many distractions, and not all of them are bad. We have relationships, and families, and jobs. These are important thing, and things that we need to survive. They are certainly worthy of our time and energy. But there are so many less important things that we waste our time and energy on that keep us from achieving our dreams.

The Stoics spell out some key skills that can help free up time and energy to accomplish our goals. The most important principle of Stoicism is to identify and act on the things we can control, and let go of the things we can’t. The most important things that you have control over is your time, and your focus. When you control these two things, you are able to be consistent with any task you take on, and become a master at what you do.

Whatever it is that you want to be successful at, you take time to practice. You read books and take courses. You seek out a mentor to help you get improve and  point out your weaknesses. We limit the distractions of other things in our lives that don’t help us achieve our goals. We spend less time passively scrolling on Facebook or twitter, or watching the latest binge worthy show on Netflix.

The path to success is not about the newest idea or the shiniest app. It is about consistently focus on doing good work and improving just a little every day.

“I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.”

— Bruce Lee

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Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If you like what you hear, head on over to patreon.com/stoicoffee and help support this podcast by becoming a patron. Also stop by the website at www.stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop. Also, if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

Be awesome and support this podcast!

How often do you think about the future? How much time do you spend thinking about the expectations you have for yourself, your life, those around you? How much time do you spend in your mind in the future, so much so that you don’t really live in the present?

Last week I talked about how it’s easy to get stuck in the past, and how doing so is a waste of energy because it not something that we have control over. Today I want to talk about holding expectations of the future can set us up for frustration and disappointment, and the tools the Stoics give us to enjoy life in the present.

The Future

You have been trying to reach many things by taking the long way around. All these things can be yours right now if you stop denying them to yourself. All you have to do is let go of the past, trust the future to providence, and direct the present to reverence and justice. 

— Marcus Aurelius

While we know we can’t change the past, our actions in the present have some impact on what will happen in the future. This makes us feel like we have some control over what happens to us. But I want to propose that we should not look at our current choices as something that will change the future and create a desired outcome, but that we should focus on living in the moment, and let the outcome be what it will.

When we do something in the present, we do so hoping it will create a desire outcome in the future. But, as well all know, life throws all kinds of things our way, and so an expected outcome is never guaranteed. We can do the same thing 100 times and have the same result each time, only to find on the 101st time that because of some unforeseen event, we get a different outcome, something that we never expected. When something falls outside of what we expected to happen, outside of our expectations, we struggle, we get angry, we are disappointed.

Memento Mori

You only live in the present, this fleeting moment. The rest of your life is already gone or not yet revealed.

— Marcus Aurelius

The Stoics talk a lot about Memento Mori, to remember death, to think about your mortality. This is not because they were a depressed lot who only thought about how awful life was. The Stoics found that this exercise sharpened their senses and their appreciation for the present moment. Knowing that any moment could be your last, you can approach each day with a sense of appreciation that you are able to do what it is you are doing. It helps you to focus on what is important, and let go of what is not. Would you rather that your last moments we spent on fretting about something unimportant or out of your control, or would you rather hold a sense of gratitude for every moment that you experience, even the unpleasant ones?

Because we could die at any moment, expecting that something will work out some particular way in the future is something that could change on a dime. You may not even be here to see it. Some people may see this as have a pessimistic or morbid outlook. I disagree. It’s a very pragmatic outlook, and a very present minded one. It helps you to appreciate that all you have is this moment.

I want to share a story that was shared with me from one my listeners by the username of Pluto shared with me that illustrates this idea very well.

“Yesterday I was walking out my dog and listening one of your episodes about living in the moment. Then it occurred to me that I could listen the podcast later, and instead I could just enjoy the walk with my dog. I took my headphones out and focused on my surroundings. I watched my lovely dog closely, thought about how her life span is shorter than mine and I have a limited number of walks with her. I noticed how much I will miss her once she leaves. I teared up a bit, then had a highly enjoyable walk.”

I just want to say, thank you so much for sharing that moment with me.

Amor Fati

How ridiculous and how strange to be surprised at anything which happens in life.

― Marcus Aurelius

The second tool that the Stoics recommend to us is “Amor Fati”, to “love our fate”. When we love our fate, we accept what life throws our way. We don’t complain about what has happened. We do our best to recognize that this is just a part of life and that if it upsets us, it is because we have expectations of what we think should happen that are counter to what actually is happening. By loving our fate, we keep our expectations flexible because we never know what could happen.

We are constantly upset because we made plans and had expectations, but then it didn’t come out how we wanted. To love whatever happens to us means we let go of trying to control something we can’t. It also means that the faster we can accept it, the faster we can deal with life as it really is.

So how do we get better at not getting stuck in the future, and loving our fate?

Yes, And…

In improv, there is a phrase called “Yes, and…” What it means is that when you’re working through a scene with your fellow actors, that when something else gets introduced into the scene, rather than fighting against it because you think that it doesn’t belong, or that it is something unexpected, you roll with it.

For example, if you’re doing a scene in a barber shop and someone says, “Hey, can I bring my pet squirrel in here?” A possible answer would be “Yes, and you’re in luck! Today is Super Squirrel Saturday! All squirrel mullet cuts and tail trims are 50% off.”

“Yes, and…” is accepting it, whatever it may be, and rolling with it. It’s this acceptance of anything coming and how to make it part of the comedy that keeps the scene moving forward. Sometimes it’s hilarious, sometimes it falls flat, but that ready acceptance keeps the momentum going. If it doesn’t really work with the scene, it is still acknowledged, used as best it can be, then discarded as the scene moves on.

Conclusion

The better we get at simply accepting “what is” by acknowledging it rather that holding tightly to our expectations, the more we are able to enjoy the present moment. When we can approach life with a “Yes, and..”, we are less shocked by events, and we might just find ourselves laughing along with the unexpected twists and turns that life sends our way.

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Hello friends! Thank you for listening. If you like what you hear, head on over to patreon.com/stoicoffee and help support this podcast by becoming a patron. Also stop by the website at www.stoic.coffee where you can sign up for our newsletter, and buy some great looking shirts and hoodies at the Stoic Coffee Shop. Also, if you know of someone that would benefit from or appreciate this podcast, please share it. Word of mouth is the best way to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.

Time is the most important, the most in-demand resource that we have in life. Are you spending yours wisely or do you let it go to waste?

How much time?

The most finite resource that each of us has is our time. We can always make more money, but making more time is not something that any of us can do. While we can’t ever know exactly how much time we have, each of us can learn to spend our time more wisely.

“It is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it. Life is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been given to us for the highest achievements if it were all well invested. But when it is wasted in heedless luxury and spent on no good activity, we are forced at last by death’s final constraint to realize that it has passed away before we knew it was passing. So it is: we are not given a short life but we make it short, and we are not ill-supplied but wasteful of it… Life is long if you know how to use it.”

— Seneca

Time Wasters

Are you just wasting time? How much time do you spend on social media? How much time do you spend on watching T.V. or Netflix on a given night? What are the time-suckers in your life? I mean how many likes do you need to give on Facebook? I find that I’ve had to limit my time on Facebook since it such an easy rabbit hole to fall in to.

I remember that I saw a talk once given by movie critic Micheal Medvid, when I was in college. While I don’t see eye to eye with him on a lot of things, he said something that really stuck with me. He said talked about how at the time the average American watched an average of 28 hours of TV a week. And this was before Facebook was even dreamed of. He talked about the fact that it’s not that there is enough quality media to watch. There’s plenty of good material. It’s that we lose a lot of our lives if we’re immersed in that much TV. We miss family connections. We miss out on living our own lives when we live by proxy of watching someone else’s life, real or fictional.

Indecision

One area that I’m currently struggling with is deciding where I want to put my time outside of work. I have so many things that I’m interested in doing and things I want to work on that I struggle with paring things down so that I can give enough time to the things I really want to do. I have plenty of good options, things that are very interesting to me. But I’m struggling to choose one, and because of that indecision, I’m not really moving forward with any of my plans. I’m working through the choices and deciding where I want to go. I’ve set a deadline for the end of the year, so that I can focus my energy on a few things, rather than being spread too thin.

“Were all the geniuses of history to focus on this single theme, they could never fully express their bafflement at the darkness of the human mind. No person would give up even an inch of their estate, and the slightest dispute with a neighbor can mean hell to pay, yet we easily let others encroach on our lives — worse, we often pave the way for those who will take it over. No person hands out their money to passersby, but to how many do each of us hand out our lives! We’re tightfisted with property and money, yet think too little of wasting time, the one thing about which we should all be the toughest misers.”

— Seneca, “On the Shortness of Life,” 3.1-2

Priorities

One of the things that we really need is to have our priorities lined up. This is going to be different for everyone. For some, family is their top priority. For others, it may be their work. Others it may be service to a cause. There is no perfect list of priorities. Each person needs to decide for themselves what is most important for them, and stay focused on it. If you don’t have a clear vision of where you want to go, then you’ll end up exactly where aim. Nowhere.

And the thing is, it’s going to vary for each person. Everyone has differing things that are of more or less important than others. And we need to understand that what we find important, is not going to be the same for others. And that’s okay. If everyone had the exact same priorities, we’d have a very much less interesting world to live in. Understanding what priorities are yours can help guide you in focusing on the things that are most rewarding.

Core Values

One of the areas that can help you choose what your priorities are is by understanding your core values. We talked about this a few episodes ago, and these are the things that can help you stick to the priorities that are more rewarding for you.

Changes

As you move through the different stages of life you’ll find that the things that were important to you in your teen years will be far different than those in your twenties. Those things that seemed so important in your twenties will change dramatically in your thirties. Every stage of life is a place of learning new things. You’ll have different responsibilities and different things competing for your time. You’ll find that some things you thought were so important when you were in college seem ridiculous when you’ve you look back on them 10 years later. As we learn and grow as people, we’re always going to be changing.

Intentional

So you need to ask yourself what you want to accomplish. Every choice you make then becomes a simple question: “Does this get me closer to the vision of my life? Does this move me forward on my goals?” And the thing is, you can and should choose at the time to do things that don’t move you forward. A life too focused means that you may miss out on some fun and interesting things. But what it really comes down to is being clear and deliberate about the things that you choose to spend your time on. It comes to making sure that you really think about each “yes” and “no”.

With the new year just around the corner, this is a good time for us to look at what we’re spending our time on in life. We can take time to be sure that the things we’re spending our time on are moving us forward towards the goals that we have in our lives. By taking the time to evaluate if the goals that we have line up with our priorities and our core values, we can be better at choosing those activities that enhance our lives. We can be sure

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Hey friends, thanks for listening to the podcast. If you like what you hear, I would really appreciate it if you could help support me by making a pledge on Patreon. You can find me at patreon.com/stoiccoffee. Even just a small amount helps in keeping this podcast going. Also, head on over to my website at www.stoic.coffee and sign up for our weekly newsletter. And lastly, if you know of someone that might like or could benefit from this podcast, please share it with them. Word of mouth is one of the best ways to help this podcast grow. Thanks again for listening.