319 – Q & A: Self Gaslighting, Communication, Romance, and Amor Fati

319 – Q & A: Self Gaslighting, Communication, Romance, and Amor Fati

Transcript:

Hello friends. My name is Erick Cloward and welcome to the Stoic Coffee Break. The Stoic Coffee Break is a weekly podcast where I take aspects of Stoicism as well as modern wisdom and do my best to break them down to the most important points. I give my thoughts on Stoic philosophy and I share my experiences, both my successes and my failures, and hope that you can gain some wisdom from them and learn something all within the space of Coffee Break.

This week's episode is another Q& A episode. And I also want to mention before I do this that I'm on YouTube now and I put my videos up there. So I would love it if you would join me over there and you can actually see what I look like rather than just listening to my voice. So let's get started on today's episode.

So from time to time, I like to take questions from my listeners as well as my friends and other interesting ideas or questions that I see on the internet.

And the first question for today is: “How can you tell the difference between emotional regulation versus self gaslighting?”

This is an interesting question. So one of the things about stoicism is that oftentimes people mistake it as being something that is used to repress emotions, that is used to manipulate your emotions in some way. And that's not what stoicism is all about. It's about recognizing the thoughts that you have. It's about recognizing the emotions that you have.

And being able to make sure that the emotion you're feeling isn't from a misjudgment of something that happened to you. So, Epictetus gives us some really good advice on how to deal with this. He says:

“Don't let the force of an impression, when it first hits you, knock you off your feet. Just say to it, hold on a moment, let me see who you are and what you represent. Let me put you to the test.”

And this is probably some of the best advice that you can do when you're dealing with emotions and making sure that you aren't trying to manipulate them, but that you are feeling the emotion all the way through and that you are recognizing the thoughts behind those emotions so that if, again, if you made an incorrect judgment about something and that's what's causing a negative emotion.

As soon as you correct your judgment, then that emotion should dissipate or go away. So in thinking about this, make sure that you feel your emotions fully, that you don't try to suppress them, you don't try to change them or manage them. I think this is one of the most important lessons in stoicism. is that you are gaining a larger view of your emotions rather than just being at the whim of your emotions.

And this takes some exploration and discovery. Stoicism is not about governing your emotions, but about governing your reactions. And so that when you have an emotion and you feel something that the thing that you need to manage most is how you respond, that you take a moment, and rather than just being reactive in any moment, that you take some time, you think through it, and then you choose a response in a situation that is beneficial to both you and possibly other people that are involved.

And a good way to do this is obviously journaling, which is something that I do all the time. When I'm struggling with something, I sit down and I write about it. I go through all the feelings that I'm feeling. I go through all the thoughts that I'm having. This is something that really helps me, and a lot of those things that I journal about are things that end up becoming episodes for you guys.

Another thing you can do is you can go to somebody that you trust whose opinion and judgment that you trust and explain the emotions that you're having, explain the thoughts behind those emotions and choose somebody who has that ability to see things objectively and not try to fix what you're feeling or to change what you're feeling in any sort of way but can listen to the feelings that you're having, allow you to express them and then to dig into why you're having those feelings.

I think this is probably one of the, one of the best things that you can do because oftentimes we're stuck in our own kind of echo chamber in our head and having somebody else who has an outside perspective can really take that and make it so that it's something that you can see more clearly. So one place that I would recommend is looking online for what's called the wheel of emotions.

You can just do any internet search and you'll be able to find them, and there are different variations on it. But I'll make sure to put one on my blog post for this episode so that you can see what it looks like. But the thing that I like about it is that it allows you to see all sorts of subtle emotions that maybe you weren't thinking about.

Wheel of Emotions

It also helps you to see how some emotions are related to each other. For example, if you are excited, that's very similar to being nervous. One is considered more positive and one is considered more negative. But, when you can think of them as basically being the same emotion, one just has some fear attached to it and the other one has some anticipation or possibility of joy attached to it, they may feel like the same thing and they come from the same place, but just by shifting your perspective on something, you can change nervousness into excitement about something.

Alright, the next question is: “How has stoicism changed the way that you communicate with others?”

Alright. Well, the first thing that Stoicism has really done has helped me to imagine what things are like from a different person's perspective, different than my own, because I've realized that my perspective is purely my perspective and it's the way that I see the world.

And unfortunately, because we are in our own bodies and our own minds and we can't inhabit that of anybody else's, it's really challenging for us at times to see things from somebody else's perspective. And I really like the way that Epictetus kind of explains this. He says:

“Whenever someone helps or hinders you, or praises or criticizes you, remember that they see you only through the lens of their own impressions. If they act or speak from a warped perspective, they hurt themselves, not you. For someone mistakes truth for falsehood. The truth is not harmed, but only the person deceived. Keeping this in mind, gently turn away any insult or injury. It seems to them that they did right, though they are mistaken.”

And by having this type of attitude, of recognizing that people are generally doing the best with the best information that they have. You can be a bit more compassionate about that because they don't have the same information that you have. They don't have the same life experience that you have. So the way that they view things is definitely going to be different. And this can, like I said, help you have a lot more compassion for them.

Another way to, kind of a good shortcut to hold on to when you're dealing with other people and you want to communicate better with them is the idea of Hanlon's razor, which encapsulates the same idea:

“Don't assume malice when ignorance is more likely.”

Don't assume that when people do things that you feel harmed by, that they're doing it in a way that they're out to get you. It's more often that they're just looking out for their own self interest, and, or they're ignorant about something, and so that's why they're acting the way that they are. Most people are trying to do what they think is best for them.

And in keeping this attitude, one thing that it definitely helps you do is to be much less offended by anything anybody else says. Because you recognize that what they're saying is just their opinion. Just as what you are saying is your own opinion. And so you can only be offended by somebody if you choose to be offended by them. And that's something that the Stoics have mentioned plenty of times. And it's something to keep in mind.

So when somebody says something rude or something that you consider offensive, just remember, It's the meaning that you're attaching to what they say that makes it offensive. And you can choose to be offended or not be offended.

Alright, question number three: “How can stoicism help with romantic relationships?”

I want to start this one off with a quote from Epictetus that I really like. It says:

“The value of one's life is determined by how much love one gives, not by how much love one has received.”

And for me, this is probably one of the most important things in a relationship is that you need to make sure that you go into a relationship worrying about how you show up in that relationship, how much love you are giving, all of the things that you can control. Because far too often, and I know this was a big problem in my last relationship relationship, was that I was trying to control the other person.

I was trying to control my partner. And part of that was because I didn't trust that when my partner said that she loved me and she cared for me, I didn't trust that. And a lot of that came from my own insecurities about not being somebody worth loving. And that's why I really talk a lot about self acceptance on here because that was one of the big things that changed for me was once I learned how to accept myself, it made it much easier for me to actually believe that other people could love me as well.

The other thing that stoicism brings to relationships like this is that it's kind of like an emotional balancer. So in relationships, they're very emotional. And you can think of stoicism and its logic as putting a counterbalance on the emotions. It helps you to look at the emotions that you're having and examine them in a way with a little bit of objectivity. So when you get riled up in a situation, you can start to look at why you got riled up in that situation, and what you can actually do about it.

Another metaphor I like to think of when talking about why stoicism is so helpful in relationships, is that it's kind of like a flashlight. Oftentimes, when we're struggling in a relationship, it feels very dark. We have all of these heavy emotions around us, and we're struggling with those things. And stoicism is that flashlight that you can flip on when you're in that dark cave and you can start to explore what's really going on around you. And it helps you to understand where you are rather than just groping around in the dark with all of these heavy emotions there.

And again, the biggest thing that you can do in a relationship is focus on how you show up in the relationship and not worry as much about how the other person is showing up or trying to control how they're showing up. If they're not showing up in a relationship in a way that works well for you, then that's a choice that you have to make if you want to stay in that relationship or not, or if it's time for you to move on. Just because you want to be in a relationship doesn't mean that the other person is going to be good for you.

And stoicism, one of the other things that is really helpful about relationships that stoicism brings, is that it allows you to see when people might be emotionally manipulating you. Because you can look at emotions a bit more objectively, and so oftentimes you can see when somebody is trying to manipulate you in a relationship. So stoicism gives you that wisdom to be able to understand emotions in a much more intelligent way.

Alright, last question: “What specific Stoic tools or principles are you using to guide your long term goals and aspirations?”

So, for me, probably the most important tool in the last couple of weeks that I've been really working on applying is Amor Fati, which means to “love your fate”. And for a lot of people, this is something that is kind of confusing because we talk a lot about, in Stoicism, the idea that you control what you can.

So if there's fate happening, do we have any control over anything? But the idea behind Amor Fati is when you love your fate, that you love everything that happens one because it's going to happen anyway, and two, because it's not anything that's in your control, then you stop stressing about so many things and have…your anxiety levels go down by quite a bit, because you just recognize that this is what happens in life.

This is life happening. These are things happening. And rather than worrying about things in the past or stressing about things that may happen in the future, when you practice Amor Fati, you reach a point where you're able to be more present in your everyday life. That you see life as the game that it is.

You just reach a point where you just have this clear acceptance of everything, and not just an acceptance, but a love of everything that's happening to you. And as I was working on this episode, that was something that, as I thought about this and wrote down some thoughts about this, it really came clear to me that that's something I've been struggling with over the last couple of weeks and actually probably a couple of years, but that I'm trying so hard to reach some of my goals and I'm really struggling to reach them.

And while it's important to make sure that I keep going, I think that in that struggle, at times, I get caught up in that. And when I can stop and just kind of get into the flow of life and just be okay and content with everything that's happening, then I can start to step into it. Kind of like if you were on a kayak and you tried going up river versus turning it around and flowing down river with the way the current is going.

And it's, it's something that has taken some time to really get to that point. It's not something that comes easy to just learn to be okay with everything that's happening in your life. And to not only be okay with it, but to celebrate it and to be appreciative of those things. I mean, and the Stoics talk about this all the time. Epictetus said:

“If we try to adapt our minds to the regular sequence of changes and accept the inevitable with good grace, our life will proceed quite smoothly and harmoniously.”

The other thing that this does is that when you start to just accept everything that happens in your life and learn to love those things, then when things happen that are difficult or challenging, you stop viewing them as problems. You start viewing them as opportunities to make choices, and that everything that comes your way is just a matter of:

“What choice am I going to make about this?”

“What choice am I going to make today?”

“What choices am I going to make in the future?”

That everything just becomes about what choices you want to make, rather than worrying about all the problems that you have—that they represent. And this is really what the idea behind, you know, the impediment to action advances action, is that when you stop looking at things as problems, but you look at them as simply as choices that you need to make, and how can I make the wisest choices?

Then you start to, like I said, kind of flow with life. That's really the best term that I can think of for that. But I think Amor Fati is probably one of the, one of the biggest things that's really helping me in my life to find a lot more peace. My anxieties levels over the last few days after I've been working on this have really dropped. And it's been quite an experience.

And I hope that that's something that throughout my podcasts that I've been able to help you guys reach that rather than looking at everything in life as a struggle, that you look at these things as this is what life is. These are things that happen because that's what life is all about. It's just things happening and facing them with not only acceptance, but with love.

And that's the end of this week's Stoic Coffee Break. As always, be kind to yourself, be kind to others, and thanks for listening. Also, if you're not following me on social media, I would really appreciate it if you would. You can find me on Instagram and threads at @stoic.coffee, and you can find me on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter, and TikTok as well as YouTube at @StoicCoffee. Also join me on YouTube. I've been putting all my episodes up there, so I would really appreciate it if you would come and subscribe and you can take a look and see what I look like rather than just listening to my voice. Thanks again for listening.


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