What do you value in this life? Maybe your home? Your job? Your family? But do you value yourself? Today I want to talk about the importance of self-value an how Stoicism can help you find the treasure within.
"Do not degrade your own soul; it will soon be out of your power to bring it to honor. The life of each of us is but a moment, and this one is almost finished, and yet you do not respect yourself."
— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 3.6
When I was in middle school my neighbor across the street, Leo, had a 69 Corvette Stingray. During the week it would sit in his driveway with a cover on it. Almost every weekend he would uncover it, take it out for a spin, then come home and wash it by hand. Then he would cover it up for the next week.
We used to call it “Leo’s baby”. Now, I’m not a car person so for me, the whole exercise seemed a little silly. But for Leo, his car was like a work of art. It was something he valued.
So what do you value? Are you on the list of things that you value?
First, the concept of self-value is not the same as self-esteem. Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself. Self-value is how you think of yourself and as a result, how you treat yourself. Generally people with high self-value also have high self-esteem. Because they value themselves they feel good about themselves.
High Versus Low Self-Value
So what are some signs of high and low self-value?
According to Steven Stosny, Ph.D:
“Signs that self-value is high include interest in growth, supporting and nurturing family, honoring humane values, and contributing to a better world. Signs that self-value is too low include entitlement (as compensation), resentment, anger, anxiety, obsessions, depression, inability to value others or see their perspectives, and rage.”
When you value something you take care of it because it is important to you. For example, if you value a work of art, or a car like my neighbor Leo, you take care of it. You appreciate it for its good points—its beauty and design—while accepting its flaws such as cracks or some rust. You treat it well and make sure that the environmental conditions are such that it stays in good condition.
The same goes for you. When you value yourself, you appreciate and take care of yourself. You make sure that your physical health is in good order. You take care of your body by eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep.
You also take care of your mental and emotional health. You work on growth and self-development. You have a realistic view of yourself and appreciate your good qualities, and accept and work on your lesser ones. You accept that you’re not perfect, and are kind to yourself when you fall short.
The Importance of Self-Value
So why is self-value so important?
I like what Diane von Furstenberg had to say on the topic:
"The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself."
— Diane von Furstenberg
Those with high self-value see that the work and growth they put into themselves as an investment. They take a longer term approach, rather than doing what feels good in the moment. They are better able to regulate their emotions because they understand their intrinsic value, not the validation from things outside themselves. They know their worth so insults don’t change how they see themselves. Criticism is seen as feedback that can be explored rationally.
Those with low self-value are more likely to not invest in their long term growth, because they don’t feel like they aren’t something worth investing in. They’re impulsive and give into short-term pleasures because they don’t like the uncomfortable feelings they have about themselves.
Because they don’t value themselves, they are constantly looking for external validation, even if they say they don’t. They feel like they are victims, are often resentful, and have a sense of entitlement and that the world owes them something.
Now, I need to clarify that having a high self-value is not the same thing as having a big ego or self aggrandizing. Self-value is the opposite of that. Self-value is a realistic and honest assessment of yourself. It’s knowing your good qualities AND accepting your weaknesses and shortcomings. Those with a big ego often overestimate their skills and are usually blind to their weaknesses.
Those with low self-value are often materially successful (or appear to be successful), because they need that external validation to try and fill that lack of self-value. All of their success is to try and prove that they have value to others, because they don’t have that feeling of value from themselves.
Narcissism
So how does low self-value relate to narcissism? Do narcissist have a hight self-value?
The other day I stumbled on a video from Dr. Alok Kanojia, who runs the HealthyGamer channel on YouTube. He posed an interesting idea. It was that those with self-destructive tendencies and with low self-worth, such as incels, are actually suffering from a form of narcissism.
Whereas a malignant narcissist is has an inflated sense of self and grandiosity, those on the other side suffer from a diminished sense of self and grand inferiority. Those who think they are the greatest thing since sliced bread and those that think they are awful and worthless, are two sides of the same coin. In both cases, the focus is on the individual: how I was wronged, what I deserve, how life in unfair to me…me, me me.
Simply put narcissists have a low self-value. In the case of malignant narcissists, they pretend to have a high self-value. They are constantly worried about what others think of them. They are constantly looking for praise or validation for who they are. Every show of success or accumulated achievement is not because they value themselves, but to convince others that they have high self-value
Rage
So how does low self-value lead to rage?
Dr Stosny explains:
“Rage is an extreme form of anger, with intense aggressive impulses. It’s caused by a perceived violation of rights, status, or personal boundaries, and humiliation. Ordinary anger rarely turns into rage in the absence of underlying chronic resentment. Raging people feel like victims of an unfair world. Any ego offense, real or imagined, great or petty, can trigger their rage.”
Rage springs from feelings of fear or injustice. Those with a higher self-value respond with transient anger. It only lasts until they have calmed down, figured out a way to handle what they are afraid of, or begin to rectify the injustice. The recognize the source accurately, and take appropriate and helpful action.
People with low self-value feel like they have been treated unfairly by others or the world in general. They have a feeling of perpetual injustice having been done to them. They feel like the world needs to change to suit them. Someone else is to blame, so someone else is responsible for fixing their feelings.
When you need validation from external sources, you are also prone to feeling injured when you don’t get the validation that you think you deserve. Whether that’s in the form of admiration from others, getting a promotion at work, or even a having certain kind of partner. When you don’t get that validation you feel robbed.
My Self-Value
This concept of self-value really struck home for me. I used to have a lot of anger, and sometimes even some rage. I didn’t understand why, even after years of Stoic practice, I could still get so angry about things.
Simply put, it was because I had lower self-value. I didn’t think I was a very good person, and I was afraid that others would see this. I needed their validation to feel okay about myself, that I was a good person. When I felt that others disapproved of me, or were irritated, frustrated, or upset with me, I would get really defensive, because if they weren’t okay with me, then I wasn’t okay with me.
Marcus Aurelius summed it up nicely:
“It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.”
Even though I consider myself to have a growth mindset, I still struggled to make the changes I wanted. It wasn’t until I worked on my self-value, that I was finally able to overcome a big obstacle that was holding me back from becoming the person that I want to be.
How to Develop High Self-Value
So how do you develop higher self-value?
Developing higher self-value is not something that you do overnight. It takes daily action and changing your opinion of yourself. Here a few things you can do to move the needle towards developing a higher self-value.
Growth Verses Fixed Mindset
Carol Dweck's growth mindset theory suggests that individuals who believe their abilities can be developed through effort and learning are more likely to succeed than those with a fixed mindset, who see their intelligence and abilities as unchangeable. This perspective encourages resilience and a love for learning, allowing people to embrace challenges and learn from mistakes.
Those with low-self value tend to see the world and themselves with a fixed mindset. Because they have judged themselves as low-value they can’t see how working on themselves will do any good. Simply put, they say, “This is how I am and I can’t change”. Because of this belief, they conversely believe that the world needs to change for them.
Those with high self-value see themselves as changeable and flexible. They believe that with enough effort, and the right actions, they can learn and grow into something new and better. Because of this belief, they say, “This is who am right now, but I know I can become even better.”
So where do you fall? Do you have a growth mindset or a fixed mindset? Do you believe that you can change and grow? Or do you believe that you are who you are and will never be able to change?
Understanding your core belief in this area is crucial, because if you don’t believe you can change, then you won’t take actions that lead to growth. You’ll miss opportunities to develop yourself.
Taking Responsibility
The Stoics concept of The Dichotomy of Control is that you need to clearly understand what you can and cannot control.
Epictetus clearly explains what we have control over and what we don’t:
“Some things are within our power, while others are not. Within our power are opinion, motivation, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever is of our own doing; not within our power are our body, our property, reputation, office, and, in a word, whatever is not of our own doing.”
— Epictetus
Basically, we control our opinions and perspectives—meaning the way we think about things. We control our choices—the things we pursue and the things we avoid. Ini short, we control our actions.
Everything else is outside of our control—the things we own, whether we’re born into wealth or poverty, and most importantly what others do or think.
So why is this so important?
Because when you start to take action on the things you can, you start to have control over your life. You are no longer at the whim of circumstances or the actions of others.
Now, this is not to say that those things outside of your control don’t affect you. They certainly do. But, your response to those things is under your control. You always have a choice, even if you don’t like those choices.
When you refuse to take action where you can, you turn yourself into a victim. Others may be to blame for why you are in the situation you’re in, but it’s your responsibility to do something about it. Expecting others to fix your situation is wishing for something that is not under your control.
Every time you refuse to be a victim, and take action, you are proving to yourself that you value yourself. Every time you take a step in a better direction, you are investing in your long term growth.
Reframing Failure
Do you know how to fail well? When you don’t succeed to you take that as proof that you suck and have no value?
Here’s the thing: you will fail. Failure is inevitable. But learning from those failures is optional.
Those with low self-value personalize the failure and see it as proof that they are a failure. They get frustrated, embarrassed, or angry because they think that it reflects on them as a person. They judge themselves harshly.
They say:
“I suck.”
“See, this just shows what a failure I am.”
“I’ll never figure this out.”
People with high self-value don’t take their failures as a reflection of who they are, but rather as something that didn’t work out as expected. They understand that they are not their failures. They get curious and try to learn from it.
They say:
“I haven’t figured this out yet.”
They ask:
“Why didn’t this work?”
“What can I learn from this so it might work better next time?”
The thing is you will fail, and if you don’t use that as an opportunity to learn, you’re throwing away a valuable lesson. It’s already happened, so why not use it to your advantage?
Marcus Aurelius teaches us this, writing:
“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”
In every obstacle is the lesson to overcome that obstacle.
So how do you handle failure? When you fail at something do you see it as proof of your value? Or do you see it as a lesson to learn from?
Self-Acceptance
Those with a high level of self-value also have a high level of self-acceptance. We hear all the time that we should ‘love ourselves”. But for many of us who have a highly self-critical view of ourselves, this seems impossible.
In my case, growing up in a strict religion, and a sometimes chaotic home, I grew up feeling like there was something wrong with me. The perfectionism that I felt I could never measure up to at church engrained a deep sense of shame.
Because self-love feels so out of reach, I encourage self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is about letting go of the judgments about yourself. It takes a willingness to see yourself for who you are, and accept that person. You accept yourself for exactly who you are, strengths and weaknesses.
Now self-acceptance is not an excuse to slack off or not try to improve yourself. It’s just an acceptance of who you are. A human being with plenty of good parts, and some that need some work. It’s an acceptance of light and shadow that makes you, well, you. You’re not perfect and there is no need to be. I think the worst thing in the world is to strive towards someone else’s idea of what a perfect person should be. There’s no such thing.
Developing Self-Acceptance
So how do we get better about accepting ourselves for exactly who we are?
Well this goes back to Episode 218 that I did several years ago. It’s all about self-acceptance. There’s an exercise that I did in that episode that really helped me to get to a place where I learned to accept myself for exactly who I am. This is something I do with coaching clients and even close friends.
So this is how it works…
Sit down, pull out a pen and paper and write down all the things you don’t like about yourself.
Now, I know for a lot of you that will sound scary. Looking at your shadow self is hard. We don’t like to look at the darker side of ourselves. But the truth is, that is not about judging yourself. This is about seeing yourself objectively. It’s just about laying out the facts. Everything you put on that list will be either something that is true or something that you believe is true.
And as Carl Jung wrote:
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
But, and I can’t stress this enough, this is just an objective view of yourself. And for me objectivity is not cold or harsh. Objectivity is really non-judgmental and compassionate.
Think about the one friend that tells you the truth. They tell you exactly what you need to hear. They aren’t always nice, but they are kind because they love you enough to tell you the truth.
After you have written these things down, look at each one and non-judgmentally ask yourself, “Can I accept this about myself?” This doesn’t mean that you have to love it or even like it. It just means that you accept it because it’s either true or you think it’s true.
If you find this acceptance part hard, treat this list as if your best friend gave it to you. You would still accept them for all their faults. If you looked at their list you’d probably say, “Yeah, I already know most of these things about you.” You’d still love and care about them. So be that friend to yourself.
Now, you might wonder why I focus on the things you don’t like about yourself rather than the things you do. The reason is simple. We usually know the things we like about ourselves, but it’s the things we don’t like about ourselves that we try to hide.
Focusing only on our good qualities is like being a good runner but with a ball and chain on our ankle. Doing this shadow work, shining a light in the areas we’re afraid to look, helps us remove that ball and chain. It helps us to move forward far faster then just learning to run faster.
Conclusion
Learning to value yourself is key to being successful in your life. The more you value yourself, the more you invest in yourself. The better you take care of yourself. The more you can grow.
When you see yourself as inherently valuable, then you’re more resilient in the face of failure. Because you see failures and mistakes as lessons to learn from, not a reflection of your value, you don’t judge yourself harshly, but rather with compassion.
Higher self-value allows you to accept yourself for exactly who you are. You appreciate your strengths and better attributes, while accepting your weaknesses as things to be worked on. You take responsibility for your choices and actions, and you step up and do the work.
Follow the advice of Marcus Aurelius:
“Dig within. Within is the wellspring of Good; and it is always ready to bubble up, if you just dig.”
So take some time this week to discover the treasure within.
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