Are you happy? Do you struggle when life doesn’t go the way you want? Today I want to talk about why we as humans are great at making ourselves unhappy, and some ideas the Stoics gave us to make our lives better.
“Man is not disturbed by things, but by the views he takes of them.” — Epictetus
Happiness is something we all want, yet so many of us sabotage our own peace of mind. We think life should be a certain way, that others should behave as we expect, that wealth guarantees fulfillment, or that happiness is something we’re owed. The Stoics teach us that much of our suffering is self-inflicted—not because life is unfair, but because of our own expectations and perceptions.
I wanted to do this podcast because even as I’ve been studying Stoicism for the last 9 years and creating this podcast for the last seven, I’ve still struggled a lot. I’ve had some days and even weeks where I’ve felt somewhat hopeless and and like my life will never be what I want to to be. But what I’ve done time after time is returned to the lessons of the Stoics to help reset my mind.
The Tyranny of Expectations
“Don’t demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they happen, and your life will flow smoothly.” — Epictetus
We all have expectations about how we think like should be. We expect life to be fair, for things to go smoothly, for success to come quickly, and for people to treat us the way we want. When reality doesn’t match these expectations, we suffer. We get disappointed, frustrated, depressed, or even angry that life isn’t turning out the way that we want. This is because of our expectations.
The Stoics remind us that life is unpredictable, and expecting anything to go a certain way sets us up for disappointment and anxiety.
“How ridiculous and how strange to be surprised at anything which happens in life!” — Marcus Aurelius
Instead of expecting things to go a certain way, adapt to whatever comes. Embrace amor fati meaning that we should love our fate. Love whatever happens, because it’s going to happen anyway and because the universe doesn’t care how you feel about it. So why choose to be in a bad mood about things are outside of your control?
Now this isn’t about becoming apathetic, but more about focus. When you fall into overwhelm or apathy, then you’re giving away your power. Want to feel more in control? Figure out the choices you have, then take action.
As I’ve been working on building my coaching career, it’s gone much slower than I expected. It’s been a real struggle and there are days where I’ve felt like giving up and just getting a job in software. But time and again, I go back to the lessons the Stoics have taught about letting go of expectations, and working with whatever comes your way. Doing so helps me to not feel hopeless or helpless. I’ve been taking action where I can and things are starting to move forward. I was able to speak at Google in December, and I’m working on a project with a large bank here in the Netherlands to run workshops about how to integrate Stoic principles into leadership and teams. What it comes down to is that Stoicism is not about not having trials or suffering, but rather to find better and healthier ways to deal with the obstacles using your mind, rather than letting your emotions overrun everything.
Blaming Others for Our Unhappiness
We often think that our suffering comes from what others do to us—our boss, our partner, our family, society. We suffer when we believe others should behave differently—whether it’s a friend, a spouse, or a stranger on the internet. But blaming others gives away our power. When you allow the actions and choices of others to determine how you feel, you are not in control of yourself.
Stoicism teaches us that we are responsible for our own emotions. No one makes you angry, frustrated, or disappointed—you made a judgment about something, causing yourself to feel that way. The Stoics teach us that we can’t control other people, only how we respond to them.
Practical Approach: Focus on what you can control—your thoughts and reactions. Accept people as they are, rather than wishing they were different. Adapt or walk away, but don’t demand they change.
“You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” — Marcus Aurelius
Not Living in the Present
“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing.” —Seneca
Often we’re stuck in the past. We feel regret and replay past mistakes, wishing we had acted differently. But the past is gone, and reliving it doesn’t change anything—it only robs us of peace in the present.
Because the past is done, we should make sure that instead of sitting in regret, we learn. Use the past to make better choices moving forward. Don’t let the past define, let it refine you.
On the other side, we spend too much time worrying about the future and either fear things to come, or fear that things won’t turn out the way we want. This is also why letting go of expectations is so important.
We should also let the future be what it will be and do our best to be in the present moment.
Lastly, be present. Are you playing with your kids? Working on a project? Having dinner with friends? Whatever your are doing in the present moment, be all in. Notice what’s going on around, appreciate the fact that you get to do whatever it is that you are doing. Be where you are.
Expecting Happiness Instead of Creating It
Many assume happiness is something that happens to us—when we get the right job, the right relationship, or the right circumstances. But we could have a great job that others might envy, or a fantastic partner, or be extremely wealthy and still be unhappy. These are all things that external to us, and external things are neutral and can either help us or hinder us depending on our perspective. There are plenty of people who are very wealthy and still don’t have enough. Others have great partners and are still looking for something else.
“Happiness is not an ideal of reason but of imagination.” — Immanuel Kant
Happiness is not a simple checklist of things. Meaning, that we expect that we can just do certain things, get certain things, achieve certain things, and then we’ll be happy.
Stoicism teaches us that happiness is not found in external things, but in how we think about things.
Practical Approach: Focus on virtue—living with wisdom, courage, justice, and temperance. Focus on being grateful for what you already have. Happiness follows from how we live, think, and what we give to the world—not what we have or the things we trying to achieve.
Closing: The Stoic Formula for Happiness
We make ourselves unhappy when we cling to false beliefs about how life should be.
Stoicism gives us the antidote:
- Practice letting go of your expectations, and focus on accepting things as they are, so you can work with reality.
- Take responsibility for your emotions.
- Stop trying to control others.
- Learn from the past, don’t dwell on it, and let the future be what it will be.
- Create happiness through action, not expectation.
“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.” — Marcus Aurelius
My book Stoicism 101 is available! Order here!
Find out more at https://stoic.coffee
Watch episodes on YouTube!
Find me on linkedIn, instagram, twitter, or threads.
Thanks again for listening!