Do you want to be unconquerable? Do you want to live to the fullest of your potential? This week’s episode is part 2 of How to Be Unconquerable: Stoic Principles for Living Your Best Life. If you haven’t listened to last weeks episode, though not necessary, I would recommend you listen to that one first.
“Adopt new habits yourself: consolidate your principles by putting them into practice.”
—Epictetus
Principle 6: Accept Yourself
Accept yourself for exactly who you are. This means that we accept all aspects of ourselves—not just the things we think are great about us, but also the things we don’t like about ourselves. This may seem challenging, but really it’s about accepting reality. It doesn’t mean that we have to love everything about ourselves, though that should be where we end up, but rather we can, at the very least, accept all the things about ourselves.
The reason why this is so important is that I meet a lot of people who have a hard time just accepting who they are. It’s something that I struggled with for a long time. Self-acceptance is the key to living a good and authentic life. If you spend a good portion of your life disliking yourself, focused on the “bad” parts of you, then you never feel like a whole person. You’re always at odds with yourself. Self-acceptance is the key to integrating all part of you in a more holistic and healthy way.
A lot of what causes feelings of non-self-acceptance happen because we spend too much time worrying about how we compare to others. We wish we looked more like this person, or smarter like that person, or had the talent of someone else. None of that matters. The only person you should compare yourself to is yourself, more specifically, who you were in the past. Are you better than you were yesterday? Last month? Last year? That’s all that matters.
You are unique in this universe. You are the only person made up of those atoms, traits, skills, and personality at this time in the cosmos. Do you have odd quirks? Are the things you like (or dislike) out of the norm? Be happy about those things. They are what makes you, well, YOU. Celebrate those things. If everyone were exactly the same, life would be boring. It’s the differences and variety that make life interesting.
For example, some of my favorite music is the stuff that is not like everything else. I like the weird or surprising elements that I didn’t predict. That’s what makes music delightful and moving. It’s often the thing that gives me goosebumps. Be your own song. Mix some styles or create your own. Explore and add some new things to your palette. Use what talents you have and don’t worry too much about the ones you don’t. So what if your voice cracks or you mess up the chords or get out of rhythm? Those are the elements which make it unique, interesting, and moving. Those are the things that are authentically you.
Epictetus reminds us:
“Let us take pleasure in what we have received and make no comparison; no man will ever be happy if tortured by the greater happiness of another.”
—Epictetus
Seneca goes even further:
“So what you need is not those more radical remedies which we have now finished with—blocking yourself here, being angry with yourself there, threatening yourself sternly somewhere else—but the final treatment, confidence in yourself and the belief that you are on the right path, and not led astray by the many tracks which cross yours of people who are hopelessly lost, though some are wandering not far from the true path.”
—Seneca
Learning to accept yourself is not easy. It means that you have develop a deeper self-awareness. You’ll have to dive into aspects of yourself that might be painful to acknowledge. But wouldn’t you rather know yourself for exactly who you are? And how do you expect others to accept you for all of you if you’re unwilling to do it for yourself.
Which brings up another point—the better you are at accepting yourself for all your flaws and shortcomings, the better you are at accepting those of others. I know that when I was less accepting of myself, I was certainly more judgmental of others. Being kinder to yourself makes it easier to be kinder to others.
Are there things about yourself that you don’t like? Do you beat yourself up over your failings and weaknesses? Take some time this week to be kinder to yourself. Look at those things that you dislike about yourself and work on accepting that they are are part of you. If you want to dive deeper into this topic, I recommend listening to episode 218.
Principle 7: Be Willing to Change
Becoming that better version of yourself is often painful. Who you will be tomorrow will not be the same person you are today. You’ll have to face hard truths about yourself, like I just mentioned in accepting yourself. People may not like the person that you become as you learn and grow. Some of them may even end up not being your life anymore. But this is your life, and you need to live for you, not others.
Be willing to change. In fact, you should embrace change. Being willing to change is not the same as principle number 4 of welcoming uncertainty. It’s about actively choosing to change and grow. The universe is all about change and the more you are willing to change, the better equipped you are to learn and grow. And that’s what life is all about. It’s about growing into the best “you” that you can be. You can’t fulfill your potential if you’re not willing to change. And if we’re honest, you will change whether you like it or not. Think about what you were like 10 years ago. Are you the same as you were then? As life happens around you, you change, so why not make it an active effort so you change in the way that you want?.
The Stoics often speak about change and how life and the universe is always in a state of change. Marcus Aurelius often made observations about change in Meditations:
“Is any man afraid of change? What can take place without change? What then is more pleasing or more suitable to the universal nature? And can you take a hot bath unless the wood for the fire undergoes a change? And can you be nourished unless the food undergoes a change? And can anything else that is useful be accomplished without change? Do you not see then that for yourself also to change is just the same, and equally necessary for the universal nature?”
—Marcus Aurelius
Meditations, VII.18
Now, this may seem counter to what I just talked about in accepting yourself for exactly who you are, but I think of them as complimentary. If you don’t know yourself, and accept everything about yourself, how would you know what you would like to change about yourself?
And the thing is, you can choose how and what you want to change and what you don’t. Just because you don’t like some aspect of yourself does not mean you have to change it right away, or at all. You always have a choice. Like I said in principle number 1, you are in charge of yourself. If you want to change things about yourself, you can. If you don’t, then you don’t have to. But understand, that if you are unwilling to change, you’ll never reach your potential.
I want you to ask yourself: How open to change am I? To I greet change willingly? Do I actively work towards developing myself into who I want to be?
Principle 8: Be Open to Criticism
Be open to feedback and criticism from others. This is crucial if you want to be able to make changes in your life. Now this may seem counterintuitive to principles number 3 (stop worrying about what others think of you), but it isn’t. It’s complimentary. When you don’t worry about what other people think of you, you’re able to handle criticism with an objective point of view. You don’t take things that people say personally, because you can recognize that anything anyone else says is simply their opinion.
The thing is, you don’t have to listen to anything anyone else says. There is no one that is keeping track of if you listen or don’t listen to what other people have to say. It is always your choice. And because it’s your choice, you can choose to listen to what others have to say with objectivity and curiosity. If they’re willing to share criticism with you, then there is a good chance that they think you’re strong enough to hear it. This is why Marcus Aurelius said:
“If anyone can refute me‚ show me I'm making a mistake or looking at things from the wrong perspective‚ I'll gladly change. It's the truth I'm after.”
We need other people to help us see areas where we might have blindspots. We’re never going to be perfect, and we may not now where we might be missing something and where we can improve. If we’re not open to criticism then we may continue to make the same mistakes, or continue in the wrong direction. So if someone is willing to give you some feedback on something, it’s always worth a listen.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to change because someone gave you some feedback. They could be wrong about something. Criticism should be only one data point in assessing if you need change something. You may have done something they disagree with that you feel aligns with your principles and you’re okay with. This is why listening with objectivity and rationality is important so you hear it as just data and not an attack.
Principle 9: Radical Candor & Vulnerability
Be open, honest, and transparent with others. The more you can practice radical candor, the easier it is to vulnerable with others. So what do I mean by radical candor? It’s not just about being honest, meaning that everything you say is true, it’s about letting people see what’s behind the curtain. It’s about telling people what you really think and feel, rather than what you think they want to hear.
This is how you get to be authentically yourself, and you stop people-pleasing.
So let’s take moment and define what people-pleasing is, and what it isn’t. People pleasing sounds like a good thing—you want others to feel good and happy. But people-pleasing is saying or doing things so that others will like you. It’s a form of manipulation, which is why it feels inauthentic and suspicious to those on the receiving end. You’re trying to control how others will respond to you, and that is something that is outside of your control
When you practice radical candor, you are simply open and honest. You tell the truth, even if others may not like it. Doing so fosters deeper connections because others know that they can trust that you say what you mean, and mean what you say. You’re not trying to trying to say something just so they’ll like you.
There are a few things to consider when you practice radical candor. First is that you take responsibility for everything you say. For example, if you give your opinion on something, you say it’s just your opinion. If you’re upset about something someone did, then you tell them how you feel about it rather than blaming them for how you feel.
Second is that you come from a place of kindness. I never liked the term “brutally honest” because it always seemed full of malice, like you’re out to hurt someone. You’re telling the truth not because you want to be hurtful, but because you’re trying to communicate clearly and openly. It’s like what Goethe said:
“I prefer an injurious truth to a useful error.
Truth heals any pain it may inflict on us.”
—Johann von Goethe
When you practice radical candor, then you can get to the heart of the matter and make meaningful progress with others. Otherwise you aren’t facing up to reality. How many times have situations in a relationship never get addressed properly because no one is willing to step up and tell the truth? Because of a fear of being disliked or angering others, we shy away from the truth and continue avoiding what really needs to be said.
I want you to ask yourself: Am I open and honest with those around me? Do I tell the truth, no matter what? Is there something important that I’ve been avoiding telling someone else about because I’m afraid they’ll get upset about it? Step up, be transparent and authentically you.
Principle 10: Live Virtuously
Marcus Aurelius said:
“Just that you do the right thing. Nothing else matters.”
—Marcus Aurelius
Be a good person. Practice the four cardinal virtues of Stoicism—wisdom, courage, justice, and temperance. When you use the virtues as a filter for everything you do in life, it makes it easier to live a good life, not just for yourself, but for everyone around you. It means you choose to do the right thing, even when it’s hard.
Let’s take a moment to define each of the virtues.
First is wisdom. What the Stoics mean by wisdom, is practical wisdom, not just knowledge. It’s about about taking what you know and the experiences you’ve had to always make the best decision you can, in a way that is ethical and aligns with your principles.
Courage is being willing to actually put that wisdom into action, especially when it’s hard. It also means you face up to the hard truths about yourself and that you’re willing to practice the self-awareness needed to gain wisdom. It means you make choices that don’t just benefit you, but take action that you know is the right thing to do, even to your detriment.
Justice is about how we treat other people. You treat others fairly, honestly, and with compassion. It incorporates wisdom and courage. it takes wisdom to understand and judge situations correctly. It takes courage to treat others well, and not just look out for your own self interest.
Last is temperance which means discipline and moderation. Temperance is the glue that binds all the virtues together. It takes discipline to pursue wisdom, to implement courage, and to practice justice. It means that you keep your commitments to yourself and others.
When you live with the four virtues as your guiding principles, then every decision you make needs to check all those boxes. Ask yourself, “Am I acting with wisdom? Am I being courageous? Am I treating others well and how will my choices impact others? Am I stepping up and doing what I said I would?”
If you can answer yes to all those questions, then you can feel good about how you’re living your life. You can stand behind the actions you take, and the things you say. This is how you find the confidence to be your authentic self and live the kind of life you can be proud of. Even if you fail at what you are trying to accomplish, that fact that you tried to do it with integrity is more important that any success you might have achieved.
We would do well to take the advice of Musonius Rufus:
“If you accomplish something good with hard work, the labor passes quickly, but the good endures; if you do something shameful in pursuit of pleasure, the pleasure passes quickly, but the shame endures”
― Musonius Rufus
Bonus Principle 11: Don’t go it Alone
Life is all about connection with other people. All the possessions we have, all the things we do, all successes we achieve don’t really mean anything without connection with other people. How many people have ever gotten to the end of their lives and said they wished they’d spent more time working than spending with the people they love? Not many. In fact that is one of the biggest regrets that people have in life—not spending enough time with those they love.
Epictetus makes this clear:
“The value of one's life is determined by how much love one gives, not by how much love one has received.”
—Epictetus
Seneca reminds us that life is short and we should cherish those that we love:
“Remember that all we have is “on loan” from Fortune, which can reclaim it without our permission—indeed, without even advance notice. Thus, we should love all our dear ones, but always with the thought that we have no promise that we may keep them forever—nay, no promise even that we may keep them for long.”
—Seneca
Life is hard enough to go it alone, and loneliness is a big problem in our modern world. We’re more connected digitally than ever, and yet more people feel alone in life than ever before. It’s through our connections with others that makes life meaningful and worthwhile. We face challenges better when have others on our side. We also grow when we help others through their struggles. We’re also more successful at the things we do when we involve others.
Reaching out and building those connections with others is one the key indicators of those who live longer and happier lives. It’s not possessions or success or titles that brings fulfillment, but sharing life, both the ups and the downs with others. As a simple example, part of what made the Lord of the Rings movies so meaningful was not just the adventures of the protagonists, but of the loyalty and friendships that were forged through all the struggles.
So take some time each week to strengthen those connections you have in your life. Send a random text to those you care about letting them know you appreciate them. Go have lunch with someone you haven’t seen in a while whose company lifts your spirits. Help someone who’s struggling and be the Samwise to their Frodo.
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