Do you see emotions as something that get in the way? Do you feel like if you didn't have emotions or you just ignored them that you would make better decisions? Well in this week's episode I want to discuss how emotions are guides rather than enemies. And how emotions are the key to help us make better decisions.
“Your heart knows the way. Run that direction.”
—Rumi.
So, emotions. Those tempestuous, unpredictable forces that so often get a bad rap. We're told to leave them at the door, to keep a cool head, as if being emotional somehow makes us irrational. But what if emotions aren't the enemies of rational thought? What if instead, they're actually part of the inner compass that guides us to make sound decisions? Today, we're exploring the unlikely, but powerful partnership between emotions and decision making.
Emotions are Friends, Not Enemies
So the first idea that I want you to consider is thinking of emotions as guides, not enemies. So we've been told that emotions are obstacles, distractions from clear thinking, but what if they're actually like signposts guiding us towards what we value most? Emotions often get a reputation as irrational, uncontrollable forces that lead us astray. But in reality, I think they're more like an internal GPS pointing us towards our deepest values, intuitions, and priorities.
So, the Stoics place a strong emphasis on reason and rationality, not because emotions are bad, but because they need a counterbalance. If we live strictly by our emotions and react to everything that we feel without thinking about it, we live more chaotic and messy lives.
The Stoics understood one thing profoundly—emotions are messengers. They reveal where our values lie and what we're attached to. The Stoics encouraged us to examine those emotions, not ignore them. Because when we truly understand why something bothers us, moves us, or inspires us, we uncover truths about ourselves.
Emotions and Biology
“Reason is and ought only to be the slave of passions.”
—David Hume.
What if I told you that people who can't feel emotions can't make decisions very well either? Science tells us that emotions aren't just part of the decision making process, they're essential to it. So modern neuroscience shows us that emotions are integral to decision making. The work of neuroscientist Antonio Damasio, for example, revealed that people with damage to the emotional processing parts of their brain struggle to make decisions, even about the simplest things like what to eat for lunch.
It turns out that emotions are essential components to the decision making process. The things we desire and the things we avoid are signals that help us make decisions. But the Stoics ask us to take it a step further and to try to understand why we desire or avoid certain things. We need to make sure that they align with our values and that we're not just avoiding things because they're difficult or painful, or only desiring things because they offer pleasure.
Instead of pushing emotions away, we can recognize them as signals guiding us towards or away from different choices. So the next time you feel a strong desire or aversion to something, pause and ask yourself, What is my body telling me about this decision? Our brains and bodies have been honed over millennia to navigate complex environments, and emotions are part of that navigation toolkit.
The Role of Regret
So, it's been said that, “Regret is an insight that comes a day too late”. Now, have you ever felt the sting of regret? It's uncomfortable. But regret is one of our greatest teachers, if we're willing to listen.
Regret, though painful, is an incredibly valuable emotion. It's like an internal reminder that we could have acted in alignment with our values, but we didn't. And far from being a source of shame, regret teaches us important lessons.
Let's look at a contemporary example. Steve Jobs, known for his visionary decisions, was also no stranger to regret, especially in the early days of Apple. After being ousted from the company, he admitted that his own emotional blind spots, his impatience, and perhaps his overzealousness, played a role in his downfall. However, Jobs did not let regret define him. He let it refine him. When he returned to Apple, he made decisions with a wiser, more focused approach.
And while regret can sting, it can also illuminate areas where we need to grow. So instead of burying regret, examine it. Ask, what can I learn from this feeling? Regret isn't about punishment. It's about improvement. If we never regretted anything that we did, we would never learn to make better choices, and choices that might have produced an outcome closer to what we wanted. Use it as a guide for your future decisions.
Intuition and Gut Feelings
How many times have you ignored that feeling in your gut only to wish that you hadn't? Sometimes the body knows things that the mind hasn't quite figured out yet. Our “gut feeling” is often dismissed as unscientific, but it's actually a powerful emotional response grounded in experience and memory. The subconscious mind processes vast amounts of information, and that feeling is often based on patterns that we've subconsciously observed.
Consider the case of Winston Churchill. During World War II, he was known for his gut instincts about the tides of war, And he often made decisions based on what he felt intuitively was right. Now, this wasn't baseless intuition. This was the product of years of studying history, human nature, and the psychology of warfare. Churchill's gut feelings helped him to navigate some of the darkest hours in British history.
So next time you have a decision to make, notice any immediate gut feelings that you have about it. Rather than dismissing it as irrational, take a moment to explore where it comes from. What experience or insight might it be informing? Is there something behind it that you aren't seeing? By using the emotion as a flag, then using our rationality to investigate further, we can learn to make better decisions that align with the deeper parts of us.
Fear as a Compass
The next area I want you to consider is looking at fear as a compass, and the importance of distinguishing between productive and paralyzing fear. As Seneca said:
“He who is brave is free.”
Now, fear has a bad reputation, but what if it's actually a useful tool? The trick is knowing when to follow it and when to challenge it. Not all fear is equal. Productive fear can act as a warning signal telling us that something isn't right and Or when we're about to take a big leap out of our, outside of our comfort zone. Paralyzing fear on the other hand, can stop us from making any decisions at all. The trick is to understand which fear is speaking to you.
As an example, when I decided to move to Amsterdam, there was a bit of fear involved. It meant that I had to sell my house and get rid of pretty much everything that I owned. It meant that I would no longer have the security of living in a place where I'd been for almost 20 years. I knew only one person in Amsterdam, so I wouldn't even have the support of my friends and community, and would have to find a whole new set of friends.
I also decided to change careers and become a speaker and a coach at the same time, which was quite a departure from my career as a software engineer and CTO. It's been a bumpy ride, and not everything has gone to plan, but I'm grateful that I was able to recognize and face the fears that would have kept me from taking this big step in my life.
When faced with fear, ask yourself, is this a fear I should listen to, or is it simply resistance to change? Use fear as a guidepost to investigate what's at stake and decide whether it's calling for action or restraint.
Embrace Ambivalence and Uncertainty
So Seneca says:
“Apply reason to difficulties. Harsh circumstances can be softened, narrow limits can be widened, and burdensome things can be made to press less severely on those who bear them cleverly.”
Getting stuck in a decision is not always a bad thing. Sometimes that's your body's way of telling you to slow down and explore.
When you have mixed or complex emotions about something, it's because you're probably dealing with something that is complex. If it were an easy or cut and dry decision, then you'd probably have just a very clear feeling about it. There would be black or white. Ambivalent feelings about something is an invitation to explore complexity.
Because we want to resolve those feelings of uncertainty, we seek more information. We examine things more deeply rather than just making a quick decision. The longer you can sit with opposing feelings about something, The better you can see more sides to an issue, because you're sitting in that unsure space, you are open to new possibilities.
In several scientific studies, they've found that people who are ambivalent in certain scenarios actually make better decisions. Because in order to resolve those ambivalent feelings, they have to explore different options. rather than taking the first solution that comes up. Ambivalence was actually a benefit, even a catalyst, to making better decisions.
Interestingly enough, we often want strong, decisive leaders, but it's been shown that the leaders who are unafraid to explore ambivalence and ambiguity are more likely to be better leaders and to have better outcomes. Sharing your feelings of ambivalence with others also opens up the doors for change, and others to contribute and engage in deeper problem solving.
So a good example of where ambivalence has been helpful for me is in creating this podcast. Often when I'm confronted with a problem that feels uncertain or uncomfortable, rather than trying to get rid of those feelings, I get curious about them. I sit down and I write about it. I try to understand it in a deeper way. And many of those journaling sessions have ended up as episodes for this podcast. By embracing that discomfort and seeing it as a signal to go deeper, I've been able to expand my view, become a little wiser, and to share that wisdom with you.
Ambivalence might feel uncomfortable, but if we can embrace it as a signal to go deeper, we can discover opportunities that we would have missed before if we hadn't sat in that discomfort. The next time you have mixed feelings about something, get curious about it. See it as a chance for exploration and discovery.
Positive Emotions as Guideposts
We chase happiness, joy, and passion. But do we ever stop and wonder why? What if those emotions are trying to tell us something as well? We often overlook positive emotions like joy and passion in decision making. But these are powerful indicators of alignment. If something brings genuine joy or excitement, that's a signal that it may be aligned with our values and our strengths.
As an example of that, Richard Branson is known for his enthusiastic approach to life and business. He is often guided by a sense of excitement and passion for the projects that he pursues. Branson's joy in the process of creation has driven him to make some very bold decisions. From launching Virgin Records to space tourism with Virgin Galactic, positive emotions can be just as telling as fear and anxiety. Epictetus reminds us that our desires and aversions are under our control, but it's important to understand why we desire some things and try to avoid other things.
We should be curious about why, about our emotions rather than trying to control them or decide if they're right or wrong. If there's something that we're drawn towards, this can be a good sign that we're headed in the right direction. If we may also make sure that it's something worthwhile. Next time you feel a spark of joy or enthusiasm, pay attention. Joy can indicate that a decision aligns with your core values and purpose. Passion and joy can be the spark that gets you going in the right direction with logic and rationality, helping you to focus on taking the necessary steps. Let it guide you, just as you would listen to a warning sign.
Combining Emotion and Reason—Finding Balance
So, is it possible to be both rational and emotional? For the Stoics, the answer was a resounding yes—if you know how to balance the two. Stoicism, contrary to some misconceptions, doesn't mean denying emotions. It means integrating them thoroughly. Emotions provide data, and reason helps interpret it. Together they lead to wise decisions.
Let's consider Marcus Aurelius as he faced countless decisions in the heat of battle and the pressures of ruling an empire. He didn't deny his emotions, rather he used his reasons to weigh them. Marcus encouraged himself to consider his emotions but to avoid being controlled by them, a balanced approach that made him one of the most revered Roman emperors of all times.
When you're making a big decision, check in with your emotions, then ask your rational mind to weigh the evidence. Let them work together. Emotions alone can lead us astray, but emotions tempered by reason can lead to wise, grounded decisions.
Conclusion
In conclusion, what I want you to take away from this podcast is embracing emotions as allies in decision making. Because what if emotions aren't the problem, but are rather part of the solution? Embracing them is the key to making wiser and more authentic choices. In the end, emotions aren't the enemies of reason. They're allies on our journey. When we listen to them carefully and use reason to interpret them, we can make decisions that align with our values, our goals, and ultimately, our truest selves.
So, as you go about your week, practice tuning in to your emotions during decision making. Ask yourself, What is this feeling telling me about what I want, what I need, and what I value? Allow your emotions to have a seat at the table, without letting them take over entirely. Because emotions are friends, not enemies.
Build an Unbreakable Year! Join us for a Stoic Yearly Planning Session!
Visit the Stoic Coffee Break website for more episodes, transcripts, and merch.
Watch episodes on YouTube!
Find me on linkedIn, instagram, twitter, or threads.
Thanks again for listening!