Are you living the kind of life you want? Do you know what’s stopping you? What if could become the kind of person you want to be?
“It is the power of the mind to be unconquerable.”
—Seneca
All throughout my life, I’ve had this idea that I wasn’t living up to my potential. I would see others who seemed to have it together, and I was jealous of their ability to not only know what they want, but figure out how to get it. Whether that was personality traits such as being disciplined and organized, being able to think in ways and understand concepts that just seemed to elude me, or see situations in a clear way to be able to make wise decisions and choices that I just couldn’t see, I often felt like an idiot.
Now, I think I’m a pretty smart person. I wasn’t hard for me to do well in school and I tend to be able to grasp new ideas and concepts pretty well. I’ve been told all my life that I’m smart and capable. But even so, there are still times when I can’t see things like other people who are quite successful in areas that I wish I could be.
Even when I stumbled into Stoicism about 8 years ago, it still took me a bit to really grasp the ideas and figure out how to apply them in my life. But once I did, I started shifting my perspective on how I see the world, and in doing so, I feel like I’m finally starting to be able to think in the higher level ways that I admired in others.
So, in this episode, I want to go over some principles that I’ve incorporated in my life. They are things that I’ve learned that have helped me to change my life and start creating the life into the type of life I want to live, and become the person that I always wanted to be. This is going to be a two part episode, so let’s jump into the first 5 principles.
Principle 1: You Are in Charge of Your Life
You are allowed to do whatever you want in this life. This is a hard truth for people to accept. We believe that we are constrained by circumstances or what others—family, church, culture, etc.—want us to do. But the truth is, there is only one person in charge of your life, and that is you.
Now, when I say that you can do whatever you want in this life, it doesn’t mean that there won’t be consequences for the choices you make. We live in a society that has rules and laws. It doesn’t mean that things will work out the way you want them. You only have control of what actions you take, not the outcome. It does not meant that other people will do what you want them to. Because the flip side of being allowed to do whatever you want is that other people are also allowed to do whatever they want.
Far too often we wait around for things to happen for us rather than taking action ourselves. I know that I did this for much of my career and my life. I never had an overarching plan as to what I wanted to accomplish. I would take a job because it seemed interesting, and would leave when I either didn’t like where I was or something better came along. It wasn’t until I finally decided to leave software and become a coach that I choose a direction and took actions for myself that I really felt in control of my life.
So ask yourself, “What do I really want to do in life? Am I actually do it? What are the beliefs that I have that keep me from doing what I want?” Remember what Epictetus says:
“Now is the time to get serious about living your ideals. How long can you afford to put off who you really want to be? Your nobler self cannot wait any longer. Put your principles into practice – now. Stop the excuses and the procrastination. This is your life! […] Decide to be extraordinary and do what you need to do – now.”
Principle 2: Control What You Can
Understanding what I control has been a game changer for me. I spent a lot of my life feeling like I was a victim of circumstances. I felt like things just happened in my life and that I didn’t really have much control of anything. I thought that if certain things hadn’t happened to me, then I would be able to do what I wanted, and live my life the way that I want. I felt constrained by all the things around me: my church, my family, my community, what others thought of me, growing up in a dysfunctional family—and the list goes on.
When I really began to understand and internalize this idea, it kinda blew my mind. It was incredibly freeing. It was like someone shined a light on the way the world really works. I realized that I had been trying to control things that I had no control over, which led to lots of anger and frustration.
Epictetus clearly states what is under our control and what is not:
“Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our actions.”
What this means is that you are in control of your thinking, the things you desire and avoid, and your choices and actions. In short, your are in charge of yourself.
Simply put, when you focus on the things that you have control over, and take action where you can, you can make progress. When you focus on all the things outside of your control, and don’t take action where you can, you are a victim. You may not like the choices that are in front of you, but by failing to act, you become passive actor in your life, rather than being the one in control of it.
Part of managing what you can control is managing your emotions. Managing our emotions in a healthy way helps us to not get distracted by the frustrations and annoyances of life. By getting your emotions under control over the little things, you have the strength and skill to handle heavier emotions. When tragedy strikes, you have the fortitude to withstand being overwhelmed by anger, sadness, or grief. You become a rock or stability not only for yourself, but for those around you.
Lastly, you have to let go of the things you can’t control. Since they are things outside of your control, trying to control them is an exercise in futility. The more you try to control them, the more stress and anxiety you bring in your life. The irony is, that by letting go of all the things you can’t control, you actually have more control in your life. You find a sense of inner peace, you’re more accepting of life as it is, and the things you do actually have an impact in your life. Epictetus reminds us:
“Just keep in mind: the more we value things outside our control, the less control we have.”
Are there areas in your life where you’re trying to control things you can’t? Are there things you could do that are in your control, but you’re not doing them? Step up, and take charge of yourself.
Principle 3: Stop Worrying About Your Reputation
Stop worrying about what other people think of you. Epictetus clearly stated that our reputation is something outside of our control. We have no control about what others think of us, and the more we try to control what others think of us, the less control we have over ourselves. Epictetus clearly explained this idea:
“We are at the mercy of whoever wields authority over the things we either desire or detest. If you would be free, then, do not wish to have, or avoid, things that other people control, because then you must serve as their slave.”
Think about it this way: If you’re trying to do things because you think it will make other people like you, you’re making not making choices that align with who you are, but who you think others want you to be. When you desire to have the approval of others, you in sense become their slave. We’ve all seen people like this, hell, I was often like this because I wanted others to like me.
Seneca puts it nicely:
“It takes trickery to win popular approval; and you must needs make yourself like unto them; they will withhold their approval if they do not recognize you as one of themselves. However, what you think of yourself is much more to the point than what others think of you.”
What you think about yourself is far more important than what anyone thinks of you. If you’re being the person you want to be, and living in a way that you feel good about, what does it matter what others think? You can even be doing the right thing and people will still not like you.
Marcus Aurelius even had an opinion about this:
“The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.”
Epictetus further states:
“If you decide to do something, don’t shrink from being seen doing it, even if the majority of people disapprove. If you’re wrong to do it, then you should shrink from doing it altogether; but if you’re right, then why worry how people will judge you?”
Are there areas where you worry too much about your reputation that keep you from doing the right thing? Are you afraid to be who you want to be because others may not like it? If what you’re doing is the right thing, then do it.
Principle 4: Welcome Uncertainty
Get comfortable with ambiguity and uncertainty. The world is a complex place, and there is rarely anything that is certain. We want easy and simple answers to the hard problems of life, but nothing is every cut and dry. Life is messy and confusing and weird and wonderful. We crave certainty, but nothing is ever certain.
We struggle with uncertainty because we have expectations of how things should be. But life is never certain. This is why when things don’t go the way we think they should, we complain about the unfairness of life. Holding onto the belief that life is fair is something you’d be better off leaving behind.
Marcus Aurelius said:
“How ridiculous and how strange to be surprised at anything which happens in life.”
The world we live in is complex and often confusing. There are always conflicting factors at play in any complex system. People are complex and often irrational. The better you get at being comfortable in the uncertainty, the stronger you become at just letting things happen as they do, and focusing on what you can control.
Life is too complex for certainty. Anyone who claims to have certain answers is not only trying to fool you, but they’re fooling themselves as well. There are no black and white answers. This is why having principles as a compass to help you navigate is far more useful than exact map of how things are supposed to be. It helps you to be more present in the “now” because you know you can handle whatever happens.
Alan Watts, a brilliant British philosopher puts in succinctly:
“If to enjoy even an enjoyable present we must have the assurance of a happy future, we are ‘crying for the moon.’ We have no such assurance. The best predictions are still matters of probability rather than certainty, and to the best of our knowledge every one of us is going to suffer and die. If, then, we cannot live happily without an assured future, we are certainly not adapted to living in a finite world where, despite the best plans, accidents will happen, and where death comes at the end.”
Get used to uncertainty. Celebrate the random surprises, both good and bad.
Principle 5: Physical Fitness is Key to Mental Fitness
A few years ago, I was really feeling my age. I was heavier than I should be. I wasn’t eating healthy foods. I was struggling with terrible insomnia. Old injuries in my back, knees, and elbows were flaring up. So I went on a quest to improve my health, and consequently, my mind. I went to my doctors to figure out what I needed to do to get myself into optimal shape. I changed my diet, got my sleep back on track, and figured out a workout regimen to help build more muscle and reduce pain.
I started doing yoga a few times a weeks and found that I felt better on the days I did it, so I started doing it every day. Without fail, it’s the first thing I do when I get up in the morning. I’ve increased my flexibility, and rarely have issues in my joints. I also go to the gym almost everyday and alternate between strength training and spinning. I feel stronger and leaner than I have in years, almost like a new person.
But more than anything, when I feel better physically, and definitely feel better mentally. If I’m tired and feeling worn out or have some lingering pain, it’s harder to keep a positive mental outlook, and to stay in a good mood.
Many of the mental issues we have in life are due to poor health. How you feel physically has a huge impact on how you feel mentally. Your body is the vehicle you experience the world through, so if your body feels like shit, it impacts your mood and your mental outlook. Taking care of your health is paramount to living a good life.
Now the Stoics talk a lot about developing your mind, but do they talk about physical health? Actually they do. Marcus Aurelius wrote in Meditations:
“The body ought to be compact, and to show no irregularity either in motion or attitude. For what the mind shows in the face by maintaining in it the expression of intelligence and propriety, that ought to be required also in the whole body.”
Even Socrates, who had a reputation as a valiant soldier, said:
“No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.”
We need to take care of our bodies so that we can function well in our lives. Poor physical health due to our own choices not only limits what we can enjoy in this life, it limits the good work we could do in the world. Challenging ourselves physically also increases our ability to handle mentally stressful situations. Musonius Rufus, Epictetus’ mentor, clearly stated the importance of training physically:
“For obviously the philosopher’s body should be well prepared for physical activity, because often the virtues make use of this as a necessary instrument for the affairs of life.”
Take some time this week to make some better choices. Can you add some exercise into your schedule like going for a short walk each day? Are there things you can change in your diet that could help you be healthier? You only have one body, so take care of it not just for you physical health, but for your mental health as well.
Conclusion
Stoicism contains a powerful set of tools to help us live up to our fullest potential. As I’ve been able grasp and implement these in my life, I’m finally living the life that I want, rather than just going along for the ride. I know that these tools can also be helpful for you to step up and live the kind of life you want. This is the first half of my top principles for becoming unconquerable. Next week, I’ll follow up with the rest.
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