“You must know that it is no easy thing for a principle to become a man’s own, unless each day he maintain it and hear it maintained, as well as work it out in life.”
– Epictetus
Show Notes:
How often do we hear something, think that we understand it, but yet it still takes us quite a while to make it a part of our daily life?
Change is not easy.
Studies show that it takes 3-6 weeks for a habit to become ingrained, depending on the complexity of the habit.
It also depends on if you are trying create a new habit or replace an existing habit.
And that’s just for a single habit done daily.
How much information do you get in your life that you want to implement?
How many things are there that distract you from your habit?
If we want something to become a habit, I’ve found that it’s best to focus on one thing.
Work on it until you don’t have to think about it.
Then move on the next thing, and repeat.
If you want to exercise, do it every day, even if you don’t do it well.
If you want to be less angry, first pay attention to your mood.
Just getting it done each day is more important than the quality.
Creating this podcast for me was first about getting it done each day.
Then, once the routine was created, I was able to focus on the quality.
Is there a principle or a habit that you want to improve in in your life?
What can you do today to move you little closer to creating that habit?
“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ”
― Epictetus
Show Notes:
If you were to sit down and write a list of all the things that you want in your life, what would be on that list?
Maybe a new house, a new car, new clothes?
Would the things that you already have be on the list of things you want?
One of the core tenets of Stoicism being grateful for the things that we already have.
Because if you can want what you already have, you’ve already found a way to bump up your happiness.
One of the facets of modern day marketing is that if there is not a natural market for what you are selling, then they work to create demand for products.
Marketing works hard to make you feel like you are missing out, then offer you the solution to fix whatever ails you.
That if we only we had the newest, shiniest, new thing, then we could feel happy.
And it’s not to say that all marketing is bad. Marketing also lets us know about things that we may be truly interested in.
And it’s not always easy when there are messages email, ads, and tv that try to persuade us that we are missing out and that the key to fulfillment is just a credit card transaction away.
And then when you throw social media on top of our lives, we start to compare our lives to other people’s highlight reel.
And soon we can find ourselves perpetually unhappy with wanting things that we don’t need.
I know that I’ve fallen for this.
At times in my life when I’ve gone shopping because I’m unhappy or bored.
The things that I’m grateful for?
My partner and the great relationship that we have.
My kids and the good people that they are, and the amazing people they’re becoming.
And that we’re all pretty healthy.
For my awesome friends that make up my tribe.
That I have a comfortable home and a good job to take care of those that I love.
Taking those moments to appreciate what you already have, and to think to yourself about how fortunate you are, is a cheap way to brighten your day.
“Very little is needed for everything to be upset and ruined, only a slight lapse in reason. it’s much easier for a mariner to wreck his ship than it is for him to keep it sailing safely; all he has to do is head a little more upwind and disaster is instantaneous. In fact, he does not have to do anything: a momentary loss of attention will produce the same result. It’s much the same in our case. If you doze off, all your progress up to that point will be negated. To keep a sharp eye on your impressions, and never fall asleep. It is no small thing that is being watched over, it equates”
— Epictetus
Show Notes:
As we work to become better humans, we need to remember that it takes constant attention.
We need to make sure that we are finding ways to apply these principles consistently in our lives.
And it’s not easy. Our natural inclination is to be a bit lazy.
We don’t always want to put into practice what we’ve learned because it takes consistent effort.
I’ve talked about dealing with anger in my life, and reaching a point where I can deal with things more rationally more consistently.
So when I read this quote it really felt applicable.
There would be times when I’d go for a decent period of not letting my anger get the best of me, then I’d get a little tired or grumpy or frustrated, and fall right back into the same old behavior.
I don’t expect to be perfect, but it felt like I was undoing all the progress I had made.
Working on the things that will help us become better people is something that needs our attention all the time.
Consistent application of principles, ingrains them into our character
Just because we because we’ve done well with integrating good practices in principles isn’t our lives doesn’t mean that we can simply rest on our laurels.
I think it’s also a bit like fitness. We don’t just build up some muscle and then we never have to work on it again.
Consistency and attention helps strengthen our character, and keeps us sailing smoothly.
Even a good captain can sail his ship all the way to shore, only to end up on the rocks from careless inattention.
“How ridiculous and unrealistic is the man who is astonished at anything that happens in life.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations Book 12
Show Notes:
– How often do we think that something in life shouldn’t happen to us? – As if we are somehow immune to the things that happen to anyone else in life. – How often do we think that we are owed something? – As if we are somehow privileged above others, that we deserve something – We may think it’s unfair when something we worked hard for fails to materialize. – We may think it’s unfair that someone we love gets cancer, that they didn’t deserve it. – We may think we deserve a perfect partner because go to the gym workout and wear nice clothes. – The world is full of all kinds of stories about people getting hit with the unexpected and didn’t get what they wanted. – Who determines what is fair and unfair? – So much in our lives that is simply up to chance, where we have no control over it. – We never deserve anything. – Now this doesn’t mean that all is lost. – Let go of trying to control the things that we can’t control, and focus on what we can. – We cannot control the circumstances that happen to us. – We cannot control the outcome. – What we can control is how we respond to the things that happen to us. – If we are diagnosed with an serious illness, we can’t control that it happened to us. – We can’t control whether we’ll recover from it. – If we follow the prescriptions of our doctor, we increase our probability of a positive outcome. – We may not get the job we think we deserve. But we can increase the probability that we’ll get a good job if we put the work in. – We can also choose our attitude towards towards our situation. We can be angry, we can be sad, we can react in many different ways. – We’re going to have deal with it anyway, so if we can approach it in the most helpful way we can, we reduce our overall suffering. – I think that most suffering in the world happens when we try to control the things that we can’t and fail to control what we can. – Life is full of surprises, but it shouldn’t be.
“First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak.”
― Epictetus
Show Notes:
– Have you ever been around someone that uses words they don’t understand? – How many times have you said something, then had to say, “Well, what I really meant was….”? – What if we took time to make sure that we were saying what we really meant? – How many arguments could be cut short if we stopped, thought about what we wanted and what we were trying to convey, and clearly expressed what we really meant or felt? – How many flame wars on facebook could be avoided if we took time to be sure that what we say is really what we mean? – The specificity of language is something that is really important. – Because everyone gives meaning to the things that are said, things are easily misinterpreted or twisted by emotion in the moment. – The more clear that we can be from the outset, the better our communication will be. – And while this quote talks about making sure that are clear about what we say, I think we also need to be sure that we are saying what we really mean. Is this something that I really think or feel or am I just saying something that I think the other person wants to hear? – Maybe what we want to say doesn’t really even need to be said at all. – In this fast paced world we too often speak before we think. – Have you ever been around someone that was so busy talking and loved the sound of their own voice so much, that they were just filling the space and saying all kinds of things that they don’t really mean. – What is it about silence that makes people uncomfortable? – We often feel that if we’re silent then someone will think we’re boring. – I know that I’ve often felt this way, that I needed to keep the conversation going for whatever reason. – But what I’ve learned is that if you can sit quietly with someone and have a comfortable silence with them, you have reached a pretty good point in a relationship. – And no, sitting watching Netflix doesn’t count. – I would encourage you to slow down, think about what you are really trying to say, find the right words, and then say it. Or not. – Because sometimes….silence is golden.
“He suffers more than necessary, who suffers before it is necessary.”
― Seneca
Show Notes:
How often have you stressed over something or worried yourself sick, only to have the scenario you were so worried about never happen?
When you worry about something, and you let your imagination run with something, then you suffer many times before you even get to the event that might happen.
Unless you can know the future, worrying about something is inventing problems that may never happen.
And that kind of suffering is something that we can all probably do without.
I’ve talked about this topic on the show before, but I think it’s important to go over these principles many times because we always need a reminder.
And the Stoics understood that we as humans have wild imaginations and that we can come with all possible things that can go wrong.
And while at times this can be useful with the idea of hoping for the best but preparing for the worst, we need to be sure that when we do imagine the worst that we aren’t wed to the outcome.
Because it’s worrying too much about the outcome that we want that causes us to suffer.
As the Buddhists would say, we’re suffering because of our attachment to something outside of our control.
And because the role of chance and randomness on our lives that can influence the outcome to most things, we have little control over the outcome.
What we do have control over is ourselves.
We have control over our thinking.
Our actions.
We can focus on making good decisions.
We can focus on doing good work.
We can focus on the process.
We do what we can do, and learn to be okay with whatever happens, knowing that we put effort into the things that we could influence.
When we do these things, we let the chips fall where they may, continue on.
The next time you find yourself worrying about something, ask yourself, “Am I focusing on the outcome, or am I working on the process?”
“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.”
― Marcus Aurelius
Show Notes:
– So many things in our lives that we experience and accept to be “true” is simply a matter of perception. – Often we make the mistake of thinking that just because we see or hear something that because we experienced it, it must be what reality is. – That the way the we experience the world is the way the world really is. – But the Stoics remind us that everything in our experience is simply our perception of it, and that our perceptions are quite often wrong. – And that we should be prepared to let go of anything we hold as “facts” or “truth” because at any moment we could get new information and be completely wrong. – We see this with optical illusions. We see imaginary things in the shadows. – We see this in mistakes by eyewitness testimonies that are completely contradicted by video footage of the same event. – Everything that we experience is just data signals coming in and our brains are doing it’s best to interpret what those signals mean. – Is that a saber tooth tiger or just strange looking bush? – Is that a bear or gnarled tree? – It looks to what it learned from the past and tries to compare it and match it to what it’s seen or heard before. – The other day my partner sent me a link to an video which played a voice speaking a word. – The strange thing is that some in some people heard the word “laurel” and others heard the word “yanny”. – In some cases, people could heard both words as if they were superimposed over each other. – If you haven’t heard this, I’m going to play it for you now. – I only heard laurel. My partner heard yanny. And as we sat together and listened it was so strange that we were listening to the same thing yet heard completely different words. – The NYT website has a special player so you can adjust the frequencies to hear both, so I’ll adjust it to move between the two. – I’ll also put the link in the show notes, so that you can find it later. – But the point is, that most of our reality is simply subjective. We get the signal and try to make is mean something, and those things that we think are solid facts, are simply an opinion. And truth is very dependent on our perspective. – Now this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t believe anything. The point of Stoic rationality, and the basis for the scientific method is one that states, “This is the best opinion, based upon the information that I have. I could be proved wrong at any moment, so I should be willing to be open to changing my mind.” – Or the most succinct way I’ve heard this put is, “Strong opinions, loosely held”.
“Man is affected, not by events, but by the view he takes of them.”
— Epictetus
Show Notes:
• Human beings are creatures that love good stories. Stories are the things that we use to make sense of the things in the world. • Myths, such as the Greek and Roman or even Norse gods were used to explain why things happen in the world. • Human beings like to give meaning to the things in their lives. • It’s part of what makes us human. We give meaning to the expressions on other peoples faces. We give meanings to the words they speak. • We attribute feelings and thoughts to animals even when we have no real idea of what their thoughts really are. • One of the core tenets of Stoicism, is the understanding that events and circumstances are simply neutral. They have no meaning other than what we give to them. • Things happen in life without any reason, which is hard because we as humans want to give meanings to events. We crave a reason. We crave a why. We want to believe that the hard things we go through have some greater purpose. Otherwise we feel that we suffer for nothing. • For example, if we’re struggling with something, we can look at it as a struggle. • But if we treat our challenges as opportunities to grow, then we haven’t suffered. We’ve grown stronger. It’s all about perspective. • Years ago, I heard a great parable that illustrates well. • A farmer finds a wild horse in his field. He’s able to lead the horse home and puts him in his stable. • The neighbors upon hearing about the horse, congratulate him on his good luck. • The farmer simply replies, “Good luck or bad luck, who knows?” • The next day his son, while trying to train the horse, ends up being thrown, and breaks his leg. • The neighbors upon hearing about the son, console the farmer on his bad luck. • The farmer simply replies, “Good luck or bad luck, who knows?” • The next day while the son is in the hospital, the representative from the emperor comes into town to draft conscripts for the army to fight on the border. His son is released from his obligation because of his broken leg. • The neighbors upon hearing about his son missing the draft, congratulate him on his good luck. • The farmer simply replies, “Good luck or bad luck, who knows?” • After a week, the son comes home to finish recovering. While at the hospital he met a nurse and fell in love, and decided to get engaged. • The neighbors upon hearing about the engagement, congratulate him on his good luck. • The farmer simply replies, “Well, when it comes to marriage…good luck or bad luck, who knows?” • Events and circumstances of life are neutral. It’s up to you to decide if you have bad, or good luck.
“If evil be said of thee, and if it be true, correct thyself; if it be a lie, laugh at it.” ― Epictetus
Show Notes:
When I read this quote the first thing that came to mind was “I laugh in the face of evil!” 🙂
How often do we get upset at what others say about us?
How often do we let what others say about define who we are?
Why get upset about their opinion, esp if it’s a lie?
Remember, as Stoics we need to open to correction, because what we believe and how we see the world could be totally wrong.
We are going to make mistakes.
We need to act with integrity and decide if they said has merit.
So if someone points out a flaw, we should be thankful because we now know what to correct.
And if what is said about you is patently false, rather than let it upset, you should simply laugh in the face of evil.
On the surface this quote is telling us that we shouldn’t let what others say about us bother us, because it’s just their opinion, their way of seeing the world.
But if we dig a little deeper, what this quote is also telling us is that we need to deal with reality as it it, and not what we want it to be.
The reality is we will make mistakes. We’re not perfect. And there will be times when we fail to uphold our standards.
Often we don’t see the crappy things that we do, because sometimes because we don’t want to see them. Our ego gets in the way.
If we act with integrity should be willing to own our actions, and the outcome of our actions.
Don’t own others reactions. Everyone is responsible for their own emotions and reactions.
Be grateful for your enemies because they are often the only ones that tell you the truth.
“To admonish is better than to reproach for admonition is mild and friendly, but reproach is harsh and insulting; and admonition corrects those who are doing wrong, but reproach only convicts them.”
― Epictetus
Show Notes:
Stoics believe that we can only control ourselves.
But also believe that we are here to help others.
As a Parent I’ve tried to be good about correcting there actions, but not make them feel like they’re a person because the make mistakes.
I was often told I was bad person for my mistakes.
My partner is great about giving constructive feedback
Often out with friends I’d dominate the conversation. She’d ask me on the way home if I noticed glazed eyes and lack of conversation on their part.
She’d help point out these things so that I could get the results I wanted, which was to have engaging and fun conversations with my friends
Non-threatening, just matter of fact was really helpful, and helped me to trust the feedback
When we think we need correct someone, the first thing we should do is we should ask if they want to hear opinion, if they want to change.
Respect the wish if they say no.
Second is have a dialog by asking questions, don’t preach.
Last keep our own judgements out of the conversation, otherwise the person will probably get pretty defensive.
Nobody likes to feel judged.
Most people want to be their best.
Learning how to give and take constructive nonjudgmental feedback is a great skill that we all can benefit from.
“Well-being is attained little by little, and nevertheless is no little thing itself.”
― Zeno of Citium
Show Notes:
• Zeno of Citium was the original founder of the Stoic school of philosophy.
• Not much of his writing survived, which is why he is not quoted very often when it comes to Stoic philosophy.
• But I really like this quote as it talks about the importances of small habits to help us attain our well being and inner peace.
• Working on things daily like recognizing what we can and can’t control, recognizing how our opinions on things shapes our view of whether we consider something good or bad, and so many other basic principles that we can practice daily.
• This can be applied to our lives in so many areas.
• We need to be careful of in life is to focus too much on the grand gestures, and not enough on the little things.
• While I think it’s in some way easier to notice the bigger gestures, to me it seems that that the smaller things are the ones, that in the long run have a bigger impact.
• While the big events or projects are the ones that stick out, it’s the small habits that we have that help us achieve those bigger goals.
• Getting up each morning to go for a run will have bigger impact on your life than the marathon you run.
• It’s the getting up each morning that makes it possible for you to actually run the marathon.
• In our relationships, it’s often the small things that we do for each other that mean more more than flowers or chocolates.
• One of the fondest things I remember about my father is him getting up early each morning and making us breakfast before I headed off to high school.
• Getting up each morning and writing in my journal, writing this podcast, recording this podcast are all daily habits that have transformed my life.
• Focusing on a small principle, even for a few minutes a day sets the tone for the day.
• And the more that I write my ideas down for a podcast, the easier it becomes to take an idea and run with it.
• And recording, while it still takes some time, has gotten so much easier, and smoother.
• I’m sure that you’ve noticed how much smoother thing have gotten over the course of this podcast.
• I can see for myself I’ve gotten better about expressing these ideas, and more relaxed and more comfortable in front of the mic then I ever was in the past.
• All of this has sprung from a daily habit of just writing in my Stoic Journal.
• Rome wasn’t built in a day, but little by little. A good life is built the same way – little by little.
“Until we have begun to go without them, we fail to realize how unnecessary many things are. We’ve been using them not because we needed them but because we had them.”
― Seneca
Transcript:
Hello friends, welcome to the Stoic Coffee Break. Today’s episode…Stuff
“Until we have begun to go without them, we fail to realize how unnecessary many things are. We’ve been using them not because we needed them but because we had them.”
― Seneca
One of my favorite George Carlin routines is where he talks about stuff and he talks about how we work at our jobs so that we can buy lots of stuff, and then we have to buy a big house so that we can store all of our stuff ,and if we buy more stuff and it doesn’t fit into our house that we end up buying a bigger house or renting a storage unit for more of our stuff, and it’s just kind of the cycle of stuff. If you haven’t seen it you can find it on YouTube but for me it was just such a poignant kind of sketch about consumerism United States and basically we just have so much stuff.
Now I’m not suggesting that we all have to become minimalist there’s nothing wrong with appreciating the things that you have and enjoying the things that you have. But we need to be careful about being too attached to the things that we have and placing our value on there’s things.
I mean what would happen if you so they lost all of the things that you had in your life maybe to a fire maybe to a flood would you feel like your world had ended because you didn’t have these things or would you simply look at it and go there goes a bunch of stuff?
When I moved to Austria, it was a bit a of a culture shock for me. Not just in the language and the food aspect but in the way of life aspect so there’s a lot of things that they did that were very kind of alien to me in many different ways.
I grew up in the suburbs and was used to living in a fairly good-sized house and I had had my own car as a teenager. And most people I knew lived in smaller apartments and condos and didn’t have a cars. I would say that I knew more people who didn’t have cars than people who did and they would basically live in apartments their whole lives and they would use public transportation or walk or ride our bikes to get to where they needed to and that was really kind of strange for me at first. I didn’t think that I could live a life like that where I lived in an apartment and didn’t drive a car but I spent two years over there where I lived in smaller apartments and I didn’t have a car the whole time. And after a while it became very normal for me and it was something that I grew to appreciate because they put their focus on so many other things like cooking really good food having their neighbors over a lot and being close with their community. It was a very different lifestyle and it was very rewarding in so many ways and what it first had felt so foreign seem so normal by the time that I left and I really appreciated not having to worry about taking so much stuff with me.
Remember it’s not that stuff is bad it’s just the more stuff we own the more I stuff owns us.
That’s the Stoic Coffee Break for today. Have a great day!
“If you really want to escape the things that harass you, what you’re needing is not to be in a different place but to be a different person.”
― Seneca
Show Notes:
• How often do we wish the world would change for us?
• How often do we think that we can run from our troubles?
• Maybe we work at a place where we feel like if our coworkers or our boss would just get their shit together then we’d be happy with our jobs.
• Maybe we’re in a relationship where we feel like if the other person would just change the things that we want them to, we’d finally be happy.
• Maybe we hate the town we’re living in and if only we could live somewhere else, we’d be happy.
• Maybe we think that if we had a better house, a better car, a better partner, better kids, then we’d be happy.
• There are so many things that we could point our finger at and say that needs to change, then I’d be happy.
• But the thing is, all of these things are outside of yourself. Most of these things are things that you have very little control over.
• And what Seneca means by this is that we are in control of our happiness. We can decide at any time to take control over the things that we can control, and be happy.
• Wishing the world to change for us in order for us to be happy just isn’t going to happen.
• Making our happiness dependent upon things that we can’t control is surefire way to be unhappy.
• And all these external things that come our way are things that are outside of our control.
• If you can learn to be happy in the lowest of circumstances, then you can be happy anywhere.
“Other people’s views and troubles can be contagious. Don’t sabotage yourself by unwittingly adopting negative, unproductive attitudes through your associations with others.”
― Epictetus
Show Notes:
– It’s important to be careful about the ideas we entertain. – Because the ideas we hold determine who we are – How we show up in the world – How we treat others – Let’s take money for example. – If you hang around people that think that money is the measure of a person, you will treat people differently than someone that doesn’t. – If think that that people who are poor are lazy and deserve what they get, then you’re more likely to treat them poorly. – If we think that rich people are more deserving because they are rich, then we may treat them better simply because we assume they have more value. – If you spend any amount of time watching any political news media, you’d think that the end of civilization was happening because of one side or the other. – I had a good friend in college that used to listen to right wing talk radio fairly often. I’d known him since high school and he was generally a pretty fair minded person. – But after years of listening to so much fear monger it and hateful ideas about the poor, other races, women’s rights, gay and lesbians, and the worst offenders: Democrats. And I really couldn’t understand why he had so much anger towards these groups that really had no impact on his life in any direct way. – And we need to be careful about the attitudes and ideas of those around us. – The more we are around ideas enough, the more we begin to see them as normal. – While we all like to think that we are great critical thinkers, without taking extra care to truly examine the ideas that others present to you, it’s very easy to just fall in with the crowd and adopt a way of thinking that may not be one of our own choosing. – I grew up in a culture that was very much about conforming to a specific dogma. It seemed pretty normal at the time, and it wasn’t until years later after moving out of my hometown that I began to see how so many of my unconscious attitudes had been formed by that culture. – It’s taken a long time to become aware of and work on a lot of my own biases. – And there are still times where I find that they way I act in a situation has been strongly influenced by these unconscious ideas that I was brought up with. – So be aware of the people and ideas that you give your time to. Do they enlighten and help you forward as a person, or do they drag you down? – Also, just because everyone around you may think or believe something doesn’t necessarily make it true. – Just as an athlete is careful about what they put into their mouths in order to strengthen their bodies, we need to careful about the thoughts we put in our heads to strengthen our minds.
“Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.”
― Seneca
Show Notes
• Today’s topic is one that is a bit personal to me. It’s something that I struggle with at times.
• I’ll get upset about something, and because I let anger get the best of me, I make the situation far worse than the event that I got angry about in the first place.
• And getting angry also causes me to ruin my inner peace. We make myself unhappy by not dealing with anger in a constructive way. I give ourselves a bad day.
• And it’s because sometimes anger feels good. That righteous indignation when we feel that someone has done us wrong and that we have the right to put them in their place.
• Anger is something that each one of us have to deal with.
• We don’t need to turn off anger. Repressing what we feel is not a good idea either.
• But dealing with it in a healthy way is something that we can all learn.
• We can feel the feelings, acknowledge them, then decide what to do about them.
• We can ask whether we were actually harmed. Remember, we are only harmed if we believe we have been harmed.
• We can ask ourselves if our response will do more harm than good.
• We can ask ourselves if this will be important in the future, or will it be some forgotten trifle.
• By giving into anger is like kicking the hornet’s nests because it was in our way, when we could have just as easily gone around
• I know that we’ve discussed anger fairly often on this podcast, but being able to apply principles in your lives is a daily practice. A daily exercise.
• Just as we wouldn’t just go to the gym once and workout and declare that we are in shape and never go back again, working on applying these principles is something that we need to work on everyday. It’s a way to get in our mental exercise.
• And like an athlete, we’re going to have days where we run the perfect race and everything works in our favor. We also going to have a lot of days where we’re off and we fall flat on our faces.
• And just like an athlete we need to gauge our fitness level for the day, and put in our best effort, regardless of how meager it might be.
“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”
― Seneca
Show Notes:
– Are you a lucky person? – The Stoics understood that most things in life are out of our control. – The reason that they stress that ideas so much, that we try so hard to control things around us. – Trying to control things outside yourself causes yourself and others a lot of suffering. – Other people, events, and circumstances are certainly outside of our control. – So much of our life is simply up to chance. – The people we meet and become friends with and fall in love with. – The jobs that we get because of being the right place at the right time. – So many things that just happened by chance, and all of them outside of our control. – In the Drunkard’s Walk, a book about the role of randomness and chance in our lives, Leonard Mlodinow, after showing example after example about how poorly we as humans misjudge the role of chance in our lives goes on to say, “…ability does not guarantee achievement, nor is achievement proportional to ability. And so it is important to always keep in mind the other term in the equation—the role of chance…What I’ve learned, above all, is to keep marching forward because the best news is that since chance does play a role, one important factor in success is under our control: the number of at bats, the number of chances taken, the number of opportunities seized.” – If we want to meet a great partner it’s not going to happen if we stay at home playing video games or watching Netflix. We need to go on a lot of dates. We need to be able to carry on a conversation. – If we want to be a musician or an actor, but we never practice, even if we hustle to get a coveted gig, if we aren’t prepared and we don’t have the skill to pull it off, then we’ve wasted an opportunity. – I find that there is a lot of dedication on the internet for shortcuts to success. As if success is a bunch of hacks that you can do so you don’t have to put actual work in. But the thing is, taking shortcuts can cheat us of the opportunities for growth. We should become masters of our craft, not only because it prepares us to take those opportunities, but mastering our craft is part of the journey, it makes us who we are. – And the more we become masters of our craft, the less we need “shortcuts”. – We also need to be careful to never think think that we “deserve” something. -Sometimes we think we are entitled to a certain way of life because who we are. – Entitled to a certain job because of where we went to school. – We are never entitled to anything. – As Steven Pressfield said about creative endeavors, “We are entitled to our labors, but not the fruits of our labors.” Meaning we entitled to work our butts off and but we may still never find the success we think we deserve. – As much as we all want a lucky silver bullet, because luck/chance/fate are all outside of our control, what we can control is consistently putting in the work. – Fortune favors the bold, but she also favors the prepared.
“Any person capable of angering you becomes your master;
he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.”
― Epictetus
Show Notes:
• Stoics believed strongly that we are all in control of our own emotions
• One of the strongest emotions we have to deal with is anger
• From an evolutionary standpoint it seems to makes sense. We feel threatened and we respond in a way that we think will deal with the threat.
• But the thing is, fear is usually the response to a physical threat. Anger is usually response from a threat to our ego. Anger is usually what we use to try and control something that we can’t.
• When someone speaks poorly of us, or does or says something we don’t like, we’re trying to control them through anger.
• If someone is easily offended and flies off the handle at even the smallest thing, they are are trying to control others.
• But when we get angry we’re failing to control the one thing we truly can control – ourselves. We’re giving control of our emotions to someone else.
• Have you ever seen a kid do things just to get a rise out of someone? Maybe their siblings or their parents? It’s their way of trying to see if they can control the other person.
• This is why politicians like to get people angry about something. Why they choose a polarizing side on an issue. It’s about control.
• Get people angry about something and you have a lot more control over them.
• People don’t go to war because they’re happy and want to be kind to others.
• They go to war because they’re angry about something. And it may have started of being afraid of something, but was channeled into anger.
• Remember, the only thing that you can control is yourself, so it’s up to you to decide – are you the master of yourself, or are you going to give that power to anyone else that upsets you?
“True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future, not to amuse ourselves with either hopes or fears but to rest satisfied with what we have, which is sufficient, for he that is so wants nothing. The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not.”
― Seneca
Show Notes:
– Does Seneca mean that we shouldn’t think about the future and strive for anything? Seneca himself was a wealthy merchant, which means that he did have to think about the future. – Contentment with what we have, and not desiring what we don’t. – Be grateful for what we have. Not being jealous of what someone else has. – Contentment of the physical things you already have. – If you desire what you already have, then you can be happy right now. – It’s those moments when I look around and appreciate what I have that help remind me that life is good. – How can we apply this to striving? – What I think that he means is finding that space where you focus on the work and not the end product. – You focus on the composition, not desiring the end song. Enjoy creating the painting more than desiring the painting. – If you’re building a company, enjoy the work, more than having the success. – Each of these are also things which you can control. – By enjoying the moment, focusing and enjoying what you are doing, doing good work, making the best choices you can, being the best person you can be, the future will work itself out. – If something works out, great. If it doesn’t, great. – Learning to be content with and desiring what you already have is the easiest way to happiness because you already have it.
“Even as the Sun does not wait for prayers and incantations to rise, but shines forth and is welcomed by all: so should you not wait for clapping of hands and shouts and praise to do your duty; nay, do good of your own accord, and you will be loved like the Sun.”
― Epictetus
Transcript
One of the ideas that is common in a lot of religions is the idea of doing good works without the fanfare of other people. That we should do things because they are the right things to do, not because everyone will see what we are doing. And here Epictetus uses some great imagery to explain that idea. Just as the sun doesn’t wait for fanfare to shine, we shouldn’t wait to do things just to be seen by others.
And what is wrong with that? What is wrong with doing things to be seen by others? We’re still doing good deeds aren’t we? And we get the added benefit of praise from others, so that’s good, right? When we do things just to be seen by others, we are worrying about the opinions of others. If we only do things when we can get praise, then there’s a lot of good things that we could do that will go undone because we were waiting to do it when others could praise us.
We are giving our control to other people. We are in a sense letting the opinions of others dictate what we will do. When we act this way, we’re often thinking, “What’s in it for me?” What if everyone worked this way? What if everyone asked, “What’s in it for me?”
What if you were injured and someone came along who could help you, but they decided not to because no one was around to see their good deed? They decided that it would not benefit them so they leave you to fend for yourself. This is what Jesus talked about the story of the good Samaritan.
For those that don’t know the story, a man is traveling to another town, and is robbed, beaten, and left for dead. A priest and a Levite, who was religious man who worked in the temple, both pass by and leave the man. A Samaritan comes along and helps the man and takes him to an inn and pays for him to receive help with no expectation of being repaid or praised. At that time Jews and Samaritans despised each other, so in doing so, he showed that their “enemy” helped the man because it was the right things to do, not because of any outward praise or direct benefit to himself.
The things is, our world is built upon us being cooperative and doing lots of little and big kindnesses throughout the day. And personally, I think that the one of the main purpose of lives, and what makes our lives richer is to lessen the suffering of others. And you know what? It feels good when I help others and do it because it’s something I want to do, not because I think I’ll get something out of it.
Just as the sun shines on us without waiting for praise, we should make doing good for its own sake be part of our nature.
“As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.” ― Seneca
Transcript
We live in a time where the average lifespan is almost double what it was 200 years ago. Advances in medicine, sanitation, and agriculture have made it possible for more people to live longer. And in many other ways, the physical and external parts of life are better. It’s certainly much easier than it was 200 years ago.
But as we work on increasing our lifespans, are we working on increasing the quality of our lives? Are we living a good life? Because what’s the point of living longer, just to live longer?
If you live to 100 and you’re unhappy and miserable and treat people poorly, what’s the point?
As a good Stoic, you should always keep in mind “Memento Mori”, that you could leave life at any moment, so you shouldn’t expect to live to an old age. It may happen, it may not. It’s something, that for the most part is out of our control, so you should do your best to live a life that, were you to die tomorrow, you’d be proud of.
As Marcus Aurelius said, “Waste no more time arguing about what a good person should be. Be one.”
What are you doing to write your story? What steps are you taking to create a life that is worth living? What are you doing to step out of the grind of work, Netflix, sleep, repeat?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to work on becoming a better person.
Don’t wait until later to be kind and helpful to others.
Don’t wait until next year to start working on the dreams that you have.
You don’t know how long you will live, put more effort into living better than living longer.
“You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can’t control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.”
― Marcus Aurelius
Have you ever considered the possibility that you don’t need to have an opinion about something? That you don’t need to pass judgment on everything?
Before you spend your time worrying about something, what if you took the time to decide if it was worth having an opinion about? There are so many things in this world that have no impact on us whatsoever. So why waste your time on these things? How much energy is wasted on who a celebrity is dating or not dating? Or the fact that they were seen in some untrendy store wearing sweatpants and a baseball cap?
Have you ever been around someone that had to give their opinion on everything? As if they they were imparting some great wisdom by giving you their uninformed opinion on something that didn’t even matter? In most cases, when we think that everyone else is entitled to our opinion, we tend to show how uninformed we really are. Or if it’s something small and trivial, that we’re just a petty gossip.
I often hear people talk like this about political matters as if their opinion on what some pundit had to say about someone else, actually mattered. Would actually have an impact. If these things don’t have any effect, why waste time and energy on them?
The next time you find yourself talking about the stupid thing that so celebrity or some politician said or did, ask yourself, “Do I really need to have an opinion on this?” And save that precious time doing something that matters.
“The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.” — Epictetus
Transcript
Have you found your tribe? Have you found that group of people that are your “chosen” family, who just make you feel good? Where you feel like you are accepted and understood? Where you don’t feel like you have to be on your guard? You can make mistakes.
When you find your tribe, you thrive.
It took me years to find my tribe. And the reason that I knew it was my tribe was that I felt like I could just relax and be myself around all these smart and generous people. They accepted me and all my shortcomings, and giving space for others to make mistakes and make amends when needed. But there was always this idea of learning new things and growing,
A few weeks ago I was hanging out with my tribe, and a couple of them were moving a van to do some work on it. One of them was pulling the van into the workshop and was trying to get it up open some blocks and almost ran it into the tool racks. My friend who owns the shop, rather than getting upset that they almost hit the tool racks, simply told them how to properly get the van up on the blocks.
And it’s simple things like that, where priorities are not about things, but about people, that let me know time and again that I’ve found the right tribe.
Being around people that bring me up and encourage the best from me and make it safe for me to make mistakes has really helped me grow into the person that I’ve wanted to become. Life is too short to spend your time around people that bring you down. And sometimes it’s hard to leave friends that aren’t good for you because we as humans get comfortable, and the idea of change is often frightening. The thing is, it’s big world, and there are so many amazing people out there. It took me years to find my tribe, but once I found it, I knew it.
And personally, I think this kind of thing should go with your partner. Because you spend so much time with your partner and they have such a giant influence on what kind of a person you they should be the kind of person that helps you to be a better you. Now I’m not saying that you should run out and dump all your friends or get divorced. But if you notice that the friends you’re hanging around with aren’t the kind that build you up, you may need to think about how much time you spend around them.
I know that some people feel like just because a relationship has lasted for a long time means that it’s good. And I don’t think this is true. I’ve known plenty of married couples where both sides were miserable but they felt that if they got divorce, that it was a failure. I think a failed marriage is one where you end up miserable. I think that a successful relationship, whether that’s with friends or a partner, is one that lasts as long as it needs to.
There are people that I was very close to years ago, that I rarely see now. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with either of us. It simply means that we’re different people, and what we need and want out of life is very different. And that’s okay. And there are some people that I to recognized aren’t good for me to be around so I let those relationships go. I recognized that I could not change them, nor was it my place to expect them to change, so I chose my growth and happiness over spending time with them.
Finding your tribe, is one of the most important contributors to your personal growth and happiness. Finding those good people that you chose to spend your time with can mean the difference between just getting by, and really becoming the best person you can be, and really enjoying your life. And I can tell you this from personal experience.
If you found your tribe, good for you. If not, keep at it. The world is a big place. You’ll find them.
“He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.”
― Epictetus
Transcript
One of the most important things in life is that we don’t take ourselves too seriously. Remember, Stoics keep in the forefront of their minds the knowledge that one day they too will die, and when you look at life through that lens, you learn to give things their appropriate weight. Is that thing that you are stressing about going to be of importance in 10 years? 100 years? 1000? 10,000?
We talk a lot about how you can’t control the opinions of others and what they may think about you. And I think being able to laugh at yourself is a place that can free you from a lot of stress in your life.
About 10 years ago, I became the butt of a Weird Al Yankovic joke and created a trending topic on Twitter for a day. In response to an amusing video he posted on Twitter about streets sign using poor grammar. I retweeted it and misspelled the word grammar. Weird Al responded with the the correct spelling, and boom, there I was at the receiving end of embarrassing retweet after retweet.
While the incident itself was harmless, I found myself really upset by it. I consider myself to be intelligent and literate, so being at the receiving end of other people’s laughter about my perceived lack of intelligence really hurt my ego. When I look back on it now, it seems pretty silly, and I can laugh about now. But at the time it really stung.
And why is that? Why would the opinion of so many people, none of whom I actually know, matter so much? When I think about it now and using my logic, it was simply words on a digital page. That’s it. But because I used to be so worried about the opinion of others, I could feel my cheeks burn with embarrassment even there was no one around to see me. I even suspended my account for a bit.
But you know what? The next day it was forgotten and the twitterverse had moved on to something else. All the stress was for nothing.
The more you learn to lighten up and are able to laugh at yourself, the more you can enjoy your life, and let go of things when they don’t work out as planned. Can you laugh at yourself?Can you let go of your ego enough to realize that you can laugh at yourself and the silly things you hold on to? If others laugh at you can you recognize that it impacts you as much as you let it? That even if they do laugh at you that it doesn’t change who you are?
To me, being able to laugh at yourself is a way of being able to forgive yourself for the silly mistakes that we make.Learning how to lighten up and find the silliness and joy in life can make such a huge change in your life. And if you can bring a little lightness to someone else’s life by some silly foible, consider it a good day and laugh along with.
“How much better to heal than seek revenge from injury. Vengeance wastes a lot of time and exposes you to many more injuries than the first that sparked it. Anger always outlasts hurt. Best to take the opposite course. Would anyone think it normal to return a kick to a mule or a bite to a dog?” — Seneca
Transcript
I was talking with a friend the other day about how to deal with anger. He asked me specifically about how to deal with anger in life, so I felt it only appropriate to talk about anger today.
Anger is something that I’ve certainly struggled with. Growing up with a terrible example of how to deal with anger, I would either avoid it, or I would be consumed by it. Finding a way to deal with it constructively has taken years of work, and I still struggle with it.
Sometimes it feels like we live in a world that often seems to be fueled by anger. You turn on the news and it seems that story after story is about some of the worst instances of humanity. Almost any political talk show seems to trying it’s best to whip us up into fearing and hating the other side. So much so, that it seems that we can’t have an actual discussion with those that disagree with us politically. When we live in a society that thinks it’s okay to take down those that do you wrong or disagree with you, it’s hard to stop and take those steps to be kind to those that you feel have injured you.
But the idea of not returning hate with hate is not a new new one.
Jesus taught, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”
In Buddhist teachings, anger is often compared to an “out of control forest fire” and a “rampaging elephant.” Because reactive uncontrolled anger is so destructive so quickly.
Confucius said, “Holding onto anger is like holding onto a burning ember that you want to throw at someone. You’re the one that gets burned.”
And the Stoics are no different. Seneca is warns us that vengeance wastes a lot of time. It also wastes a lot of energy. When you seek revenge, you injure yourself with your own anger. You often say or do things that make the situation far worse than it was before.
Why do we give into the angry path? Because anger is easy. Because there’s a part of anger that feels good at the time. The desire to strike back at those that you feel have wronged you is powerful.
What if all that effort was put into understanding why the other person tried to injure you? What if you took that same time and energy and tried to heal the situation? What if all that effort was put into mobilizing people for good? For getting people to talk to each other and work on solutions?
How do we deal with anger? How do we train ourselves to not give into our impulses?
The first step, which is often the hardest, is to truly grasp the concept that you are 100% responsible for your emotions. No one else is. Nothing else is to blame. Regardless of the circumstances or the events that happen, you decide to if you want to respond in anger. And just as you have conditioned yourself to respond with anger, you can condition yourself to respond with calmness and rationality.
The next step is being aware of our anger. Do you notice when you are in throws of anger, rather than only really seeing it after you cool down?
Next, try to step back from it. Can you look at it from a detached perspective? Can you look at as if you were just someone else in the room observing it? When you are more able to catch yourself in the middle of it, and can take a step back, resist the urge to lash out. Think about if what you want to say will do harm or help.
Stick to it. When you are in the heat of the moment and you do get some control, the other person may still be arguing or pushing back even though you are making honest efforts to defuse the situation. Don’t revert back to lashing out, no matter how much you want to. Think before you speak. If you have to leave the situation, then do so. Step away and delete that angry Facebook post.
Once you’ve worked to cool yourself down, understand that healing the situation is about the other person, not about make yourself feel better. It’s about meeting the needs of the person that you have harmed. It will take time, and humble attitude to work things out.
Changing a habit of reactive anger is not easy. It may be one of the hardest things you will ever have to overcome. But the damage that is caused by not learning to control your emotions can take a long time to heal. The more you can keep a reign on yourself, the less you have to repair. The more inner tranquility you cultivate, the more you can apply your energy to building things up rather than tearing them down.
Are you struggling with something in your life? Do you have questions about Stoic philosophy? I would really like to hear from you. If you go to the front page www.stoic.coffee and scroll to the bottom of the page, you can send me a message. I’ll do my best to address your question on the show. I’ve found that Stoic ideas and principles are some of the most practical teachings there are, and can be applied in any situation in your life.
“Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak.” — Epictetus
Transcript
Epictetus was known for his clever wit and pithy sayings, and here he’s giving us some very good advice of how we should handle ourselves in any social situation. We’ve all been around people that dominate conversations, and maybe we’ve been that person.
As I’ve mentioned before on this podcast, I used to talk over people in conversations all the time. While mine was born out of insecurity and wanting people to like me, learning how to listen to others brings many benefits.
Let me put it this way, if you’re talking all the time how are you going to learn anything?
As Stoics we should strive to be consummate learners. We should view ourselves always as students of life, and we can always learn something from everyone. And because we also strive to be in control of ourselves, by taking our time, listening and observing, we can be sure that what we have to say is well thought out, rather than simply spitting out the first thing that comes to mind. And I know that some us are probably more wired to be a bit talkative. And if that’s who you are, that’s perfectly okay. But as someone that is also wired that way, learning how to listen better pays off amazing dividends and even making small steps in that direction is well worth the effort.
The thing is, people also feel more connected to you when they feel like you’ve heard and understood them. They notice when you’re more focused on what you want to say next than actually paying attention to them. Also, people like to talk about themselves, and if you are open to listening you’d be surprised what people will share with you, and the more you know about a person, the more connected you feel with them. Who knows, maybe you share some common interests that you would have never know about if you’d been too busy talking.
If we’re too busy trying to show off, we’re not paying attention to what’s going around us. The people that I’ve seen that seem pretty wise to me, usually take the time to assess a situation, to observe and to see what they notice. They’re not in rush to show how much they know, but they take their time and are curious to see if their hunches about their observations play out. Because they put in the effort to read situations better, it’s like they have a sixth sense about people which comes in very useful in all kinds of ways.
Remember, taking time to be observant, for some of us, is not always easy. It takes some humility to recognize that just because we think something doesn’t mean it has to said out loud. By taking time to truly listen to others and focus on what they have to share, we can be more connected with others, practice being more observant in our lives in general, and we might even learn something new.
“Progress is not achieved by luck or accident, but by working on yourself daily.”
— Epictetus
Transcript
Often, we find it difficult to take the steps to improve in an area we’re weak in. We can see how we want to be, and we get impatient when we’re not make the progress that we think we should. It also hard because we often know what not to do, but we don’t quite know what we should do to get where we want to be.
When I was in high school, I accidentally ended up in choir. And I do mean accidentally. I missed the bus for home so I was waiting for my brother to finish up what he was doing, and was convinced by two girls to try out for the choir while I was waiting. Apparently I didn’t completely suck because I made it through auditions and into the choir that year.
But to be honest, I wasn’t all that great when I first got into choir. I was put with the second tenors and had a really hard time singing my part as I would find myself ending up singing melody lines with the sopranos. It was frustrating at times because I knew that I was singing the wrong notes, but I didn’t have yet the ability to hear and sing the tenor part.
This went on for several months, with each day getting a little better and me being able to hold my part a little better and less getting off track and singing the melody.There were a number of steps that I took to help me get better at singing.
I made sure to sit next to other strong singers so I could hear the tenor part.
I took my music home and would play out the tenor notes on my piano so that I was more familiar with them the next day in choir.
At times I would stop singing and just listen to the singers next to me to be sure that I heard the part correctly
I took voice lessons to help strengthen my voice so that I could sing more clearly.
By the end of that first year, I had improved enough that I made it into the show choir the next year.
When you want to make real progress taking a small step every day, no matter how small, is what is going to get you to where you want to be. Grand gestures are all well and good, but we often burn out because we can’t sustain that level of focus. There are plenty of steps that we can take that are for more sustainable and will keep us moving forward after our initial enthusiasm has waned.
Doing things like surrounding yourself with other people who are more skilled than you and following their example can help you make significant progress as they can share things they’ve learned, and support you in times when you need it.
Setting time aside each day to deliberately focus and practice on what you’re trying to improve in can help you be ready for when a situation arises where you need to use that skill.
Finding a mentor who’s been down that path can help you avoid pitfalls and obstacles as well.
And lastly, be patient. Judge yourself not by where you are today, but by how much progress you have made.
Remember, you can’t expect to just magically be good at something. You need to put the work in. If you are moving forward everyday, even just a little, you’re on the right path.
“Remember, it is not enough to be hit or insulted to be harmed, you must believe that you are being harmed. If someone succeeds in provoking you, realize that your mind is complicit in the provocation. Which is why it is essential that we not respond impulsively to impressions; take a moment before reacting, and you will find it easier to maintain control.”
“I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.”
“It is in your power to withdraw yourself whenever you desire. Perfect tranquility within consists in the good ordering of the mind, the realm of your own.”
“Most of what passes for legitimate entertainment is inferior or foolish and only caters to or exploits people’s weaknesses. Avoid being one of the mob who indulges in such pastimes. Your life is too short and you have important things to do. Be discriminating about what images and ideas you permit into your mind. If you yourself don’t choose what thoughts and images you expose yourself to, someone else will, and their motives may not be the highest. It is the easiest thing in the world to slide imperceptibly into vulgarity. But there’s no need for that to happen if you determine not to waste your time and attention on mindless pap.”
“A boxer derives the greatest advantage from his sparring partner – and my accuser is my sparring partner. He trains me in patience, civility and even temper.”
“Whenever you are about to find fault with someone, ask yourself the following question: What fault of mine most nearly resembles the one I am about to criticize?”
“We must not believe the many, who say that only free people ought to be educated, but we should rather believe the philosophers who say that only the educated are free.”
“Caretake this moment. Immerse yourself in its particulars. Respond to this person, this challenge, this deed. Quit the evasions. Stop giving yourself needless trouble. It is time to really live; to fully inhabit the situation you happen to be in now. You are not some disinterested bystander. Participate. Exert yourself.”
“Don’t just say you have read books. Show that through them you have learned to think better, to be a more discriminating and reflective person. Books are the training weights of the mind. They are very helpful, but it would be a bad mistake to suppose that one has made progress simply by having internalized their contents.”
“When you have been compelled by circumstances to be disturbed in a manner, quickly return to yourself and do not continue out of tune longer than the compulsion lasts.”
“Remember, too, on every occasion that leads you to vexation to apply this principle: not that this is a misfortune, but that to bear it nobly is good fortune.”
“So does this misfortune prevent you in any way from being just, generous, sober, reasonable, careful, free from error, courteous, free, etc. – all of which together make human nature complete?”
“Show me one person who cares how they act, someone for whom success is less important than the manner in which it is achieved. While out walking, who gives any thought to the act of walking itself? Who pays attention to the process of planning, not just the outcome?”
“Let us overlook many things in those who are like opponents in the gymnasium. For, as I have said before, it is in our power to get out of the way and to have no suspicion or hatred.”
“When somebody’s wife or child dies, to a man we all routinely say, ‘Well, that’s part of life.’ But if one of our own family is involved, then right away it’s ‘Poor, poor me!’ We would do better to remember how we react when a similar loss afflicts others.”
“Impressions, striking a person’s mind as soon as he perceives something within range of his senses, are not voluntary or subject to his will, they impose themselves on people’s attention almost with a will of their own. But the act of assent which endorses these impressions is voluntary and a function of the human will.”
“If we try to adapt our mind to the regular sequence of changes and accept the inevitable with good grace, our life will proceed quite smoothly and harmoniously.”
“[Treat] unenlightened souls with sympathy and indulgence, remembering that they are ignorant or mistaken about what’s most important. Never be harsh, remember Plato’s dictum: ‘Every soul is deprived of the truth against its will.’“
“If you like doing something, do it regularly; if you don’t like doing something, make a habit of doing something different. The same goes for moral inclinations. When you get angry, you should know that you aren’t guilty of an isolated lapse, you’ve encouraged a trend and thrown fuel on the fire.”
“When a guide meets up with someone who is lost, ordinarily his reaction is to direct him on the right path, not mock or malign him, then turn on his heel and walk away. As for you, lead someone to the truth and you will find that he can follow. But as long as you don’t point it out to him, don’t make fun of him; be aware of what you need to work on instead.”
“Take a lyre player: he’s relaxed when he performs alone, but put him in front of an audience, and it’s a different story, no matter how beautiful his voice or how well he plays the instrument. Why? Because he not only wants to perform well, he wants to be well received – and the latter lies outside his control.“
“Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have faced up to this fundamental rule and learned to distinguish between what you can and can’t control that inner tranquility and outer effectiveness become possible.”
“People with a strong physical constitution can tolerate extremes of hot and cold; people of strong mental health can handle anger, grief, joy and the other emotions.”
“Nothing, to my way of thinking, is a better proof of a well ordered mind than a man’s ability to stop just where he is and pass some time in his own company.”
“So when you hear that even life and the like are indifferent, don’t become apathetic; and by the same token, when you’re advised to care about them, don’t become superficial and conceive a passion for externals.”
“Is any man afraid of change? What can take place without change? What then is more pleasing or more suitable to the universal nature? And can you take a hot bath unless the wood for the fire undergoes a change? And can you be nourished unless the food undergoes a change? And can anything else that is useful be accomplished without change? Do you not see then that for yourself also to change is just the same, and equally necessary for the universal nature?”
“For what does reason purport to do? ‘Establish what is true, eliminate what is false and suspend judgement in doubtful cases.’ … What else does reason prescribe? ‘To accept the consequence of what has been admitted to be correct.’“
“What makes for freedom and fluency in the practice of writing? Knowledge of how to write. The same goes for the practice of playing an instrument. It follows that, in the conduct of life, there must be a science to living well.”
“So make a practice at once of saying to every strong impression: ‘An impression is all you are, not the source of the impression.’ Then test and assess it with your criteria, but one primarily: ask, ‘Is this something that is, or is not, in my control?’”
“If you learn that someone is speaking ill of you, don’t try to defend yourself against the rumours; respond instead with, ‘Yes, and he doesn’t know the half of it, because he could have said more.’”
“If any man is able to convince me and show me that I do not think or act right, I will gladly change; for I seek the truth by which no man was ever injured. But he is injured who abides in his error and ignorance. “
“People to whom such things are still denied come to imagine that everything good will be theirs if only they could acquire them. Then they get them: and their longing is unchanged, their anxiety is unchanged, their disgust is no less, and they still long for whatever is lacking. Freedom is not achieved by satisfying desire, but by eliminating it.”
“Do not be disgusted, discouraged, or dissatisfied if you do not succeed in doing everything according to right principles; but when you have failed, return again, and be content if the greater part of what you do is consistent with man’s nature. “
“In your conversation, don’t dwell at excessive length on your own deeds or adventures. Just because you enjoy recounting your exploits doesn’t mean that others derive the same pleasure from hearing about them.”
“When someone criticizes you, they do so because they believe they are right. They can only go by their views, not yours. If their views are wrong, it is they who will suffer the consequences. Keeping this in mind, treat your critics with compassion. When you are tempted to get back at them, remind yourself, ‘They did what seemed to them to be the right thing to do.’”
“Acquire the contemplative way of seeing how all things change into one another, and constantly attend to it, and exercise yourself in this part of philosophy. For nothing is so well suited to produce magnanimity.”
“If someone bathes quickly, don’t say he doesn’t bathe properly, say he bathes quickly. If someone drinks a lot, don’t say he is a drunk, say he drinks a lot. Unless you know their reasons for their actions how can you be sure of your negative judgment of them? Not judging others too quickly will save you from misperceiving their actions.”
“When you confine yourself to only those things that are under your control, you cannot be defeated. Don’t be fooled by outward appearances. People with more prestige, power, or some other distinction are not necessarily happier because of what they have. There is no reason to be envious or jealous of anyone. If you lead a rational life, the good lies within you. Our concern should be our freedom, not titles and prestigious positions. The way to freedom is not to be too concerned about things we don’t control.”
“Remember that for every challenge you face, you have the resources within you to cope with that challenge. If you are inappropriately attracted to someone, you will find you have the resource of self-restraint. When you have pain, you have the resource of endurance. When you are insulted, you have the resource of patience. If you start thinking along these lines, soon you will find that you don’t have a single challenge for which you don’t have the resource to cope.”
“If you are pained by any external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs you, but your own judgment about it. And it is in your power to wipe out this judgment now.”
“He who fears death fears either the loss of sensation or a different kind of sensation. But if you shall have no sensation, neither will you feel any harm; and if you will acquire another kind of sensation, you will be a different kind of living being and you will not cease to live.”
“If a man objects to truths that are all too evident, it is no easy task finding arguments that will change his mind. This is proof neither of his own strength nor of his teacher’s weakness. When someone caught in an argument hardens to stone, there is just no more reasoning with them.”
“The man who spends his time choosing one resort after another in a hunt for peace and quiet, will in every place he visits find something to prevent him from relaxing.”
“It is essential to make oneself used to putting up with a little. Even the wealthy and the well provided are continually met and frustrated by difficult times and situations. It is in no man’s power to have whatever he wants; but he has it in his power not to wish for what he hasn’t got, and cheerfully make the most of the things that do come his way.”
“My advice is really this: what we hear the philosophers saying and what we find in their writings should be applied in our pursuit of the happy life. We should hunt out the helpful pieces of teaching, and the spirited and noble-minded sayings which are capable of immediate practical application – not far-fetched or archaic expressions or extravagant metaphors and figures of speech – and learn them so well that words become works.”
“Let philosophy scrape off your own faults, rather than be a way to rail against the faults of others,” wrote Seneca. Rather wasting time trying to change others, we should learn how be more accepting of who they are.
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